tiredoffeelingbad

 9-5-12 – having trouble publishing the post again –

I have a couple of minutes left to sit in a client’s office so I will take the time to put in an entry.  I don’t know what I will say, but……here goes….

I am nervous about the triathlon which is coming up in 5 days.  I am not doing well at the running part at all.  It hurts and I hate every minute of it, but……I did it anyway.  I didn’t double the 2.2 miles, but I did a few tenths more.  I just couldn’t wait to get off that *&*%*(% treadmill.

Yesterday at weight watchers, even though  I was down .6, I am still a few up from a few weeks ago and I cried and told them how negative I am AND how very frustrated I am.  I told them I was doing a triathlon and they were all impressed and didn’t know why I was negative.  My goal is to focus on the positive.  AND, I added that I would not use weekly points for alcohol during the week.  If I don’t have any daily points left, I will not have a drink.  I have lasted one day.  YEAH!!!!  I don’t really need the extra points, so let’s see how it goes.

We are crunching to get an associate over her Fireball award.  We have pumped lots of premium her way.  The stress if that we don’t get the money back if we don’t get her over the amount.  It needs to process and be issued within 2 days.  I wake up thinking about the numbers and it is stressful and exhilarating at the same time.  I am sitting at one of the bus companies until noon today.  I may actually go in my car after this and take a nap.  Don’t tell anyone. 

I need to recruit for my position and I am way down.  I actually make calls while I am driving which is very dangerous since I am then not looking at the road.  Don’t tell anyone.  Then I am stopping by a clients to sell a little life insurance on the way home.  Jack is out trying to get the last few thousand that she needs.

No  FB today.  Yesterday he was in rare form.  I hadn’t seen him for a while.  I told him about the Success Principles book.  He said he loves to read and reads books every night.  I was shocked.  He said that Ernie of all people told him it was a way to escape his life.

5 minutes left – I am about to fall asleep.  I am not used to these 4:30 AM wake – ups since there was a 3 day weekend.  I feel like I am crashing right now.  Well, time to pack up.  Nothing unusual except that the exercises in the Success Principles book are not easy.  Imagine how you want your life to do if there were no obstacles.

I used to do this exercise back when we were in Amway, but I gave up and got cynical (sp).  So, digging out these dreams again and dusting them off is not easy.  I know one is a passionate, loving relationship to a husband that I love and cherish.  Another is to weight between 130 and 135 and be fit and healthy.  To have clothes that look great and are comfortable as well as are stylish and I love them.  A home on the water that I am proud of – where I can entertain (if I want to) is uncluttered and feels great to be in and look at. 

OK, enough,….my eyes are clothing.  I must escape.

 9-5-12 – having trouble publishing the post again –

I have a couple of minutes left to sit in a client’s office so I will take the time to put in an entry.  I don’t know what I will say, but……here goes….

I am nervous about the triathlon which is coming up in 5 days.  I am not doing well at the running part at all.  It hurts and I hate every minute of it, but……I did it anyway.  I didn’t double the 2.2 miles, but I did a few tenths more.  I just couldn’t wait to get off that *&*%*(% treadmill.

Yesterday at weight watchers, even though  I was down .6, I am still a few up from a few weeks ago and I cried and told them how negative I am AND how very frustrated I am.  I told them I was doing a triathlon and they were all impressed and didn’t know why I was negative.  My goal is to focus on the positive.  AND, I added that I would not use weekly points for alcohol during the week.  If I don’t have any daily points left, I will not have a drink.  I have lasted one day.  YEAH!!!!  I don’t really need the extra points, so let’s see how it goes.

We are crunching to get an associate over her Fireball award.  We have pumped lots of premium her way.  The stress if that we don’t get the money back if we don’t get her over the amount.  It needs to process and be issued within 2 days.  I wake up thinking about the numbers and it is stressful and exhilarating at the same time.  I am sitting at one of the bus companies until noon today.  I may actually go in my car after this and take a nap.  Don’t tell anyone. 

I need to recruit for my position and I am way down.  I actually make calls while I am driving which is very dangerous since I am then not looking at the road.  Don’t tell anyone.  Then I am stopping by a clients to sell a little life insurance on the way home.  Jack is out trying to get the last few thousand that she needs.

No  FB today.  Yesterday he was in rare form.  I hadn’t seen him for a while.  I told him about the Success Principles book.  He said he loves to read and reads books every night.  I was shocked.  He said that Ernie of all people told him it was a way to escape his life.

5 minutes left – I am about to fall asleep.  I am not used to these 4:30 AM wake – ups since there was a 3 day weekend.  I feel like I am crashing right now.  Well, time to pack up.  Nothing unusual except that the exercises in the Success Principles book are not easy.  Imagine how you want your life to do if there were no obstacles.

I used to do this exercise back when we were in Amway, but I gave up and got cynical (sp).  So, digging out these dreams again and dusting them off is not easy.  I know one is a passionate, loving relationship to a husband that I love and cherish.  Another is to weight between 130 and 135 and be fit and healthy.  To have clothes that look great and are comfortable as well as are stylish and I love them.  A home on the water that I am proud of – where I can entertain (if I want to) is uncluttered and feels great to be in and look at. 

OK, enough,….my eyes are clothing.  I must escape.

9-2-12

I haven’t been writing because I didn’t want Jack to read this.  I know, a broken record, but…it’s true still.  I didn’t want him to know that I was still fantasizing about FB.  I know it is/was an emotional affair if only in my very own mind.  I think about him all day, when I go to bed, when I get up, when I work out, etc. 

BUT, I think I finally figured out what the fantasy is about.  I had already realized that I am not out for sex, but for an emotional attachment, AND, that I wanted to be “the one” for this person.  It isn’t about anything other than being “the one”. 

BUT, today my realization went deeper after having a major tamtrum and also reading a nice fiction book.  Which would you like to hear about first?  OK, the tamtrum it is.

I went to work out, knowing that Chad and Jack had to leave to go to hockey at 10:30 AM.  I was going to have a nice leisurely morning, take my swim in the sound in preparation for NEXT WEEK’s Triathlon, YES, NEXT FREAKING WEEK, but that’s another topic.

I get a call asking if I am going this morning, can I take Chad’s friend home, should Sybil go with them or me, etc…. I said I would go later but was told that this morning’s game would be better than the night’s.  (It is a tournament.)

So, without actually choosing this path, I am now racing to bring Chad’s friend home and fix my tire pressure which has it’s indicator on.   Not knowing how to do this, I enlist the help of Chad’s friend and we check the pressure.  The indicator doesn’t immediately go off, but the tires are full, so whatever……..we drop off the friend.

I have to race home because Sybil did not go with Jack and Chad but wants to go (not for the hockey, but for the cute boys).  I race through a quick shower, grab food and eat it in the car while racing the 45 minutes to this God forsaken rink in the middle of New York state.  We get there and Chad is not playing.  Usually the two goalies split the game so we wait through a terminally long first half.  They are playing two 25 minute periods for whatever reason.

We chat with the parents and I am glad to be getting my parental duty over with.  What happens next is the ugly part…….Chad does not go out to play in the second half.  Jack says, oh, I guess he will play the whole second game.  I FLY OFF THE HANDLE – Well, there is no reason for me to stay.  I only came to see him play – I should have kept my original plans, this sucks, I hate hockey and I start leaving the rink.

Jack’s response – “I didn’t do anything. This is not my fault.”  

I respond, “It is not your fault, but it still sucks.  I should have come to the later game with my mother, seen my niece who was at her house, gone swimming and gone to the library.  I hate hockey and I am tired of pretending that I enjoy it.  I ONLY come to see Jesse play.”

And,I peeled out of the parking lot.  I called my friend, Silly Stewie – a girl – and told her I am a bad parent, bad person, self-serving, and selfish. 

Oh, another story that had already set me off.  We are trying to hit a certain award at work.  This week we were giving premium (yes, contest manipulation as always), to Associate A.  With 3 days to go, we find out she is ineligible due to too many cancellations.  Plan B is Associate B who needs $14,700 which is a helluva lot.  We called her, but she is not the team playing type and isn’t really participating. 

Today Jack called her (on Sunday) to tell her that she can work with him on Tuesday.  He put me on the phone and I started talking.  In the middle of my sentence she says, I have a house full of people here and I am being rude.  I said, oh, I’m sorry and basically hung up on her. 

I felt REALLY BAD.  I texted an apology that Jack didn’t tell me she was busy.  BUT, I realized that I am a self-serving person who is only helping her because it helps us.  I had already written her off as a non-participating associate, but because we need her to hit this, I am feeding her premium.  She can’t feel very proud of this, and I just hate that she isn’t very responsive or partipational (word?).

So, I was already feeling like a bad person when I had the tantrum.  Bad, bad, bad.  I fantasized on the way home about either just being alone forever since I am so evil, or being with FB who would love me just as I was and validate everything I feel, think or do.

While reading my book, the heroine and hero are married and love each other despite their troubled childhoods.  She is a police lieutenant and excellent at solving the mysteries while putting herself in danger.  She is a leader and no bullshit person.  He loves her and adores her and validates her and protects her as only is done in fiction.

She, in turn, loves and adores him, they have passionate sex to relieve the stress of trying to find the bad guy and, of course, in the end, even though she is hurt, they capture the bad guy and send him to an off-planet prison.  The book is written in the future.

Later on this day, I realized I just want to feel safe and validated.  I am always being questioned by my mother.  I am often being critiqued or criticized by my father and sister.  Sometimes Jack will “take issue” at my choice of words or that with all that is going on in the world, “why do you even have to talk about THAT?”  

I just want to be ok just as I am.  I want to be secure in my thoughts, feelings and decisions.  I want to be validated and cherished just as I am.  I want to feel safe to express myself and just be.  I want someone who truly gets who I am, the good and the bad, and is secure enough to let me be however I am without making it about themselves.

That would be peace.  That would be heaven.  Yes, I want passionate mind blowing sex, but not if the person doesn’t get me and think I am fabuloso.  I want them to see the good as well as the bad, and love me anyway.

So, when I got home, I went to the library and picked out 4 new books which I love to do, especially since they will be closed tomorrow for Labor Day.  I then went to the beach and swam in the real sound twice what I need to do for the triathlon.  I have now run twice, biked twice, and swam twice in the real elements.  I have done twice the distance in biking and swimming.  Running is a bit of a challenge since my knee and hip hurt afterwards.  I will minimize what I do this week.  I have an outfit (although I haven’t swam in it with the bra, oh well), I have a bike, and I have new running shoes.  I borrowed the bike and helmet and so I splurged on the triathlon suit since it was a third the price of the others and on sale for 30% off. 

One week from today.  I think I can pull it off.  I got off major mental hurdles with the bike ride thanks to my very generous friend, Katherine.  MAJOR!!!  I have gone through major mental and physical hurdles with the running as well.  I never want to do it, I actually dread it.  AND, with the swimming, it totally has bored me, and I can’t wait to be done.  Today, however, I did get in a rhythm in the second half.  Once I’m done, I always feel better (except with the running).

So, in closing, I just want to feel safe.  I don’t want to be judged, criticized, or questioned.  I love my mother, I really do.  I am fortunate to have such a generous, loving, energetic mother still with us.  Many people have lost theirs.  I am truly grateful, AND, she drives me crazy with the questions.  AND the nudging.  She means well and is often right, BUT, …….it is really frustrating.  REALLY FRUSTRATING. 

And so, I feel like a bad, bad, daughter and mother.  Oh, I forgot this part.  When Jack called, I had swum and was at the beach.  I had finished my book about the police woman.  I answered his questions curtly.  He asked if there was anything I needed to say.  I blurted out emotionally, I just feel bad for how I feel.  AND, he actually told me I didn’t need to.  That was freeing.  Then he said we will get this job done this week when I said I was worried about it.  So, I feel better after all. 

It is only 7:03 PM.  I am tired and something smells.  It is this shirt that was in my drawer for a long time.  I never wore it to work out so never wore it.  It got too sweaty and is too big.  I am wearing it now and it is a lovely color.

Tomorrow I will go to the gym at 8:00 or later.  It is only open between 8 and 12.  I have been obnoxious to DH since he was telling me to switch to decaf.   Fuck him.  I asked him today “isn’t this your day off?”  Oh well, I guess I do need decaf.  There was another guy – Joe, who is an ex New York policeman.  He is only here in the winters I guess.  He is on his fourth wife.  He is huge and used to be 80 pounds heavier with all muscle.  Scary!!!!  I wouldn’t mess with him.

Anyway, I am getting hot and I am going to read my book. Sorry I’ve been away.  I feel better having expressed myself.  It’s been a while since I had the time and was alone with no one looking over my shoulder.

Oh, I also had a long talk with SM today.  We discussed banking, etc.  Caught up.  It was a year ago when we were “hanging out”.  Wow.  I can’t believe it’s been a year.  Well, he helped me get over DH so for that I am grateful.  Sometimes I think he is just too boring, but he wasn’t bad today. 

Time to go.  I have to title this and save it before the loons come home.  Thanks for listening.

PS  As I title this “I just want to feel safe,” I need to tell you that my father, while very loving, had quite a temper, and 4 of the 5 of us children learned how to act so he didn’t get mad.  (Mostly).  One of my brothers was stubborn and got him really pissed a couple of times.  It was so bad that my mother had to get involved to keep him safe.  The other 4 of us learned how to get along, but, I guess, a part of me was always sort of scared of having him get that way with me.  I would say or do whatever I had to do.

One time, however, I forgot to sweep the porch and was reading.  My father got really mad and told him I was a lazy, good for nothing.  (Bad girl to me).  I really had just forgotten.  BUT, that made an impact, and deep inside, I have always thought I was a bad girl.  I really wasn’t until high school and college when I went a little wild, but growing up, I was a brown nose, got good grades, didn’t make trouble, etc.  I just forgot to sweep the freaking porch once. 

It’s freaking amazing what scars us, huh?  Oy vay.  I would say to that.  BUT, that’s probably where it came from.

Anyway, just thought I would let you know why being safe is so important since I wasn’t REALLY ever in danger, sort of.  OK, that’s really it this time.  Adios.

8-25-12

At a client.  I am still annoyed that I lost what I wrote yesterday.  It was good.  Oh well, move on…….

I feel like I am hating Jack and I don’t know why.  Usually it is when I have done something wrong.  I asked him and he says that feeling that way is what we called a “racket” in the Forum.  You make someone else wrong and be right.  Usually you are not being responsible for something.

I think it might be that I am not happy in the marriage and so I am blaming him.  It is easier to blame it on him than to think it might have something wrong with me.  I am going to save this just in case I lose power.  I will figure out more later.  I am at a client and need to try to talk to them.

I’m back – I am striking out and Jack is talking to a possible recruit instead of the clients.  Is that bad?  He could be showing him how to sell instead of wasting time flapping his trap.

He loves to act like he is so fucking good and brags and talks about himself.  It makes me ill.  I know I am making him wrong, but maybe I just need to get it out so here goes:

– Never fucking stops talking about himself

8-24-12

I was just typing and lost the whole entry.  Pisses me off.  I am trying to find the drafts.

OK – can’t find it.  Bummed out.  It was about two things:

1.  Rumor that Chad had sex with a sleazebag at school.

2. Speaker who said to write down 100 goals. 

Too tired to write again.  Have to go.  Friday.  I need a nap.

8-17-12

I was typing before and my internet went crazy and I lost it.  Oy vay.  Whatever did I say? I’ll do highlights:

– inhibited to write since Jack is reading it

– kids are away – very nice – less stress – feel bad that I like it

– my mother asks too many questions and I feel bad that I get frustrated with her.  Guilt guilt guilt.  I told her not to get upset about how Chad will get back from New Jersey until we have the facts.  She was insulted.  So, either I listen and feel guilty for being frustrated, or I say something and feel guilty for saying something. 

Jack actually helped me with the guilt thing last week.  I was just “tired.”  The reason I was tired was because I was in a lose-lose situation.  If someone asks me to do something and I say no, I feel bad.  If I say yes when I don’t want to, I resent them and do the thing grudgingly.  Either way I lose.   Either way I feel bad.

I never thought I could say no.  It doesn’t go with my “needing people to like me” shtick that I have.  I can’t just trust my instincts since something is wrong with me.  I am lazy, boring, etc. in my mind, so I don’t trust my own instincts and always think I should do something even though my feeling is not to.

We discussed a time when I was with this guy and it was late and cold out and he wanted to go out and look at the stars.  It was the last thing I wanted to do, I was tired and warm inside his house.  But, I went anyway and just resented it and thought there was something wrong with me for not wanting to go.  I don’t know why I remembered it, but it came to mind when I was discussing how tired I was.   I remember thinking either way it was a lose.   It just makes me tired to think about it.

Phew – thought I lost all my typing again.  This is disjointed because I am making calls while I type so I keep forgetting where I am.  I am getting tired with this topic.  I was up at 5:00 AM today.  Saw FB and congratulated him on being clean for 8 years.  I said I would have brought in a cake but brought in a vegetable platter yesterday instead to celebrate.  He was glad that I brought it up, but why did I need to tell him that?  I didn’t really bring them in and I told him that I actually did think about it.

Later he walked by my spinning class  without looking in or waving.  Why do I care?  This thing  just wiped away some typing again.  Very weird.  So, why do I care?  I guess I need a crush to keep me safe.  It’s not about him.  I would be a very bad influence on him. 

Last night I drank a rum drink and then had some wine.  I felt sick at night.  Took motrin in the middle of the night.  Yuck.  Time for a nap.  We have to drive to Pennsylvania tonight to get Sybil.  Then Chad comes home on Sunday.  It’s been nice I have to say, and, of course, I feel bad about it.

The tired thing hits when I think I can’t say what I really want to do or say.  It has to do with being unlovable and trying to be who I think they want me to be which sucks.  You can never know and it is just tiring trying to always be someone other than who I am.  If I could just trust my instincts, I’d be ok.

Why did I have to tell that to FB?  So I would appear wonderful I guess.  BUT, did I appear to be too much?  Again, why do I care?  Guys don’t think that much, so I am wasting my neuroses. 

I am getting out of this office.  Gotta go take a nap.

8-13-12

We’ve been busy actually making money although i messed up something over the weekend.  I have so much to do I am in my head feeling overwhelmed and not present, but,….hopefully we will pull through the next few weeks without screwing up too bad.’

I am sort of afraid to put stuff down for fear that it will get read by the only person that reads these – my husband.  We have been travelling together for work and yesterday we had a talk.  I am still not open and passionate with him like I am with my fantasy men or how i was with SM.

I think i am afraid to be vulnerable.  Sometimes Jack is scary and I don’t want to be opening up to someone who can attack me on a random basis.  Maybe for someone else it wouldn’t seem like an attack, but for me, it does. 

I feel guilty that I haven’t been with my kids.  I am torn between them and work.  This is an opportunity to actually make money for a change so i don’t feel like I can ignore it.  I feel alot of pressure and it’s not so good.

Plus I signed up for the damn triathlon which is adding pressure.  I actually didn’t go to step class today.  That was a big deal.  I stayed home and called resumes and now I will go for a swim.  I am out on the deck sweating, so it will feel good.

Well, I better go.  Just wanted to update you a little even though I am ALWAYS feeling rushed for time.  Tomorrow I can catch up on all my little stuff.  Chad is away with friends, and Sybil might go away with my sister, so hopefully I won’t feel too too guilty ALL THE TIME. 

I realized that often I feel like I am “fucked” either way.  If I do something I am fucked and if i don’t do something I am fucked.  I don’t just say no and not suffer as Jack says.  I suffer with either decision, always feeling bad.  Since I am tired of feeling bad, I am going to let that one go.

I did hear sometihg about emotional attachments on the marriage fitness CD.  Definately.  I do have them and have had them since October 31, 2010.  I have had them for protection against Jack’s outbursts and periods where he pays me no attention.  He has had one with a sport – hockey.  That is where he goes.  I am not justifying myself, it’s just that he started it way before I ever did.

Ok, my stomach is rolling over my shorts and I am grossed out.  Gotta go swim for my triathlon.  I haven’t gone in the real water yet, but I will in two weeks.  I keep putting it off.  Oh well.  Who cares?  I will talk later.

PS  I finally got the bicycle I am borrowing.  I was scared to ride it at first because the seat was too high.  Oy vay.  What the fuck am I doing?

8-7-12

I just registered for the triathlon.  I was holding on to my escape clause by not registering, but it was time.  I can do the distances of all three parts – I swam 52 laps tonight of a 25 yard pool.  I will run hopefully 3 miles tomorrow, and I did spinning for an hour today.

I will get my borrowed bike this weekend and I have a borrowed helmet.  My main concern is how to change into my running bra before the run.  The registration form is from the Kiwanis club and it calls it a “family” event, so how serious can I be taking this thing. 

I was admitting to people that I hadn’t registered and they were encouraging me to, so I set up my task for tonight and I did it.  It is non-refundable so I can’t chicken out thinking I could get my money back.

I don’t have a real competitive bathing suit or biking clothes but I am not going to sweat the small stuff, but I am nervous about it.  I just have to breathe.  How long can the whole thing take?  A few hours, and I am going to ruin all of August worrying about it?  I hope not.  I have always wanted to do this so I am going to.

7-27-12

At an enrollment – finally figured out how to get on-line.  I am in between people so I may have to stop suddenly. 

I have been completely exhausted since the weekend.  I went to the chiropractor today – we have been reduced to twice a month since we don’t have enough money to pay the unlimited fee – and he told me that my adrenals were depleted.  I bought this Adrenal support complex and I have been sucking down these pills as well as drinking water. 
I have still gone to the gym, but I have not had alot of energy.  I just feel sluggish.  This in turn makes me feel REALLY fat and want to eat to ease my discomfort.  I am trying to not let myself eat in order to feel better.  BUT, I feel like I have damaged my progress since last weekend mostly because the fucking scale is even higher than it was.  I am gaining back some of my 25 pound loss and, while it disturbs, it makes me want to just say “fuck it” and eat to make myself feel better.

What I have to realize is that this is how I gained the weight in the first place and I would rather go down than up.   If I let my lethargy cause me to gain weight, I will be very disturbed later.  The problem is that I think I am following the program and I am not losing weight.  I got the highest score on the active link and I don’t really want to incresase my exercise.  I want to be more active, but I don’t necessarily want to increase it.  It is a pain in the ass to remember to wear it all the time.  I may stop after the first month. 

Regarding the triathlon, this lethargy makes me not want to do it.  It makes me not want to do anything, quite frankly.  The last couple of nights I have gotten rained out of swimming so I haven’t done it since a week ago before I had my hair done.  I have run twice this week and it really sucks.  Every freaking step hurts.  I am surprised I didn’t stop today.  I really wanted to.  I thought that training for the triathlon would have me lose weight, but instead I am up!!!  Go figure.

AND, I am just more tired.  I have not signed up so I can still get out of it.  I have done two spinning classes this week so I am only behind on the swimming.   I am not going to sign up unless I get my energy back.  I am even thinking of skipping the gym tomorrow since Chad is getting his drivers license AND my step teacher is away for the week.  We can go out to breakfast to celebrate – TWO problems with that – 1.  I am a fat load.   2.  We have no fucking money.

So, maybe I won’t tell them that I am skipping the gym.  Just in case I get some energy.  I was told by the chiropractor that I need some electrolights.  I can drink an energy drink.  I am really dragging.  I am too lazy to even get to the bathroom which I really need.  I will have to save this and shut down the computer.  We will see.

I am waiting for more people.  Maybe we are wrapping this up.  Before the last guy I had my head on the table and was trying to sleep. 

Jack and I have been having ups and downs.  We are either fine or fighting.  I have been listening to the marriage fitness tapes.  They are very good.  I can see why Jack has been doing what he has been doing.  I can see why it would work, but right now I am too tired to deal.  My whole body just feels heavy like I want to go lie down.

I see FB and yesterday I high fived his arm in passing.  That loaded me up with good feeling.  Somehow it was all I needed.  Today I didn’t pass him and just saw him walk by and then leave.  His little “in love” girl was behind me so that was sobering.   I am ok with him.  A little less obsessed.  I don’t know why.  I guess I have my own schedule to keep to and that is a priority.

I know what the marriage fitness cd said – make your spouse and love a priority.  They are first.  Well, I know that I put exercise first and then I am too tired and don’t have anything left.  I go to sleep early and my first priority is to get to sleep so I can get up.

Jack is talking to this guy a while.  I think I will go pee.  I will be right back.

OK – I’m back.  I went to talk to some people.  I think I am still feeling like I need to go to sleep.  We wrote some business here, but we can’t put it in until we get the papers signed and the guy is out today.  So, no money through the weekend.  Sucks the big one to be racking up the credit line.  Oh well.  Add it to the shit pile of things that are making me feel heavy.  I ran today and did the elliptical and the stupid active link is showing no activity points because I forgot to wear it to the gym.  I think I am going to kill it.

Not seeing those points makes me feel like I am not doing anything and I am fucking exercising for at least two hours per day.  That really sucks the big one.  I am going to put my head down again.  Jack doesn’t seem in any hurry to leave and I have Sybil home doing nothing during the days.   I feel bad, but don’t have the energy to do anything about it.

Going to put my head down………………Adios……………..Thanks for listening.

7-25-12

Had a blast at my reunion.  I am still exhausted and it is Wednesday.  I can not even see straight.  I am at an enrollment and Jack is still working with an associate.  So, I am making use of the time.  I am ready to pass out.

It was so much fun at my 35th high school reunion over the weekend.  Since I was on the committee, it was even more rewarding to have it be so great.  It was a total bonding experience.  There were many people that I got to know that I had never really talked to during high school.  I danced, and drank and talked and laughed.  Friday night, Saturday night and all day Sunday at the beach.  I definately drank too much, and my eyes are looking really bad.  They have fluid bags underneath them.  This has happened before and I don’t know how to get rid of them, but eventually they go away.

As far as my triathlon training is going, I am too exhausted to think about it.  Yesterday I went to swim and only did 10 laps before they closed the pool.  They weren’t going to open for 30 minutes and even though I started to wait, I gave up and went home.  I was too hungry.  Last night Jack kept me up and even though I was exhausted, I let him have his way.  Today I am paying for it.  I can not keep my eyes open.  As soon as we get into the car I am going to close my eyes.  This is not good.  I got up at 5:05 to go to the gym.  I had no energy but stayed for two hours.  I did a spinning class even though I had to pee.  There was no water at the gym and so the toilets were not available.  Not a good situation.

I don’t feel like signing up for the triathlon.  I am just too tired right now.  I will wait for tomorrow.  I feel like I can’t back out since I told so many people.  That is why I told them.  I will wait until I can cope to sign up.  It is $45 which I don’t have right now.

Jack and I have been fighting alot since my reunion.  He said it seemed like there was a perpetration.  I defended myself but realized that I did have one.  It’s a long story, but……..in second grade a boy asked me to marry him.  I got in trouble when I yelled “WHAT?” just after the teacher had said to stop talking……..

Part of me never forgot it.  I didn’t see the boy until high school since we moved shortly after that.   We never spoke.  Well, guess who was at the reunion?  Yes, the very same boy who I will name Luke.  I told Luke that every time I ever heard his name I had an automatic response:  Luke X asked me to marry him in second grade.  I never forgot it. 

He kind of had a funny reaction like well, I had my chance didn’t I or something like that.  I talked to him sporadically throughout the night.  He was very withdrawn and more of an observer, but later that night we hung out together at the bar and he bought me some (unneeded) beers.  I was talking to someone else and he was behind me.  He said he admired my butt and started feeling it.  My perpetration was that I let him.  I didn’t like him, per se, but it was some kind of needed attention from my absent prince from second grade.  It was like a little boy telling a little girl that he would come back for her and never coming.  A part of her always waits.  I don’t know why since I never knew him, but still…….I enjoyed feeling admired by him.  I work hard at the gym and I enjoyed him saying that I had a firm ass.

He wanted to take me home, but I thought he was too drunk and I didnt want to die.   I was fine saying goodbye to him.  He was a little too strange for me.  I felt like it was some sort of closure and that I got to reject him after the little girl waited for so long……not really, but….sort of.  I can’t quite articulate it, but he was such a strong memory that I think it must have affected my feelings of being unlovable in a big way.  Still thinking it through.  I know it’s not rational, but what is? 

But, today I told Jack about it since I think I felt like I was a bad, bad girl and it was affecting our relationship.  I told him why I did it and I think he sort of understood.  I am not proud of it.  I was definately leading the poor guy on, but, on some level I wanted to feel admired by him and to feel special.  I know it’s not nice.  I suppose when I need to be admired in the gym it is sort of leading people on as well.  But, think about SM.  He needs to draw in and seduce women, and then he withdraws.  I suppose we all have our methods to get what we need, even though it is not always kind to the person overall.