tiredoffeelingbad

7/20/12

35th High School reunion tonight.  I got on the scale and it was up.   I am feeling very fat.  The weather is cool and I wanted to wear a summer dress.  I will wear it anyway.    I am feeling like a big pooper.  I better drink some water to flush out the bloat and distention that I feel since I got on the fucking scale.

I am in the office.  I was venting this morning to Jack about our money situation and it didn’t go over very well.  Of course he took it personally and said I was calling him a failure which I was not.  I was merely saying that going against the line of credit without any cash coming in in the near future makes me very uncomfortable and stressed out. 

He doesn’t do what he says he is going to do which results in three weeks without any premium and so no cash.  Now we have let loose a few thousand in spending against the line of credit which I freaking hate.   He just came into the office.  I have put him into a paralyzed state which really is not good.   Now he doesn’t even know what to do.  I told him to call our regional boss since I am obviously the cause of his state. 

I feel bad, but I am too numb to care.  I know that my venting has this, but I we can’t go on not making any money.  So, if this is his best, we can’t continue with large gaps with no money and no savings.  This caused another blow up, but………..

LATER:

He was in the office with me and I think he left.  I seem to have that affect on people.  First Sybil and now Jack.  I just can’t seem to say the right thing so I am not going to.  I do feel alienated and not “in relationship” but I don’t care.  I think I am hormonal even though I didn’t get my period.  I have the cramps but not the rest, but I have that negative fuck you attitude about alot of things AND, the worst part is that I don’t care.  Fuck ’em, as my dad says.  I was just telling him how I felt.  It’s like the rest of the month I can handle things and be in denial, but when the hormones come for a visit, it’s like a truth serum and I can’t and don’t want to keep my mouth shut.

On a positive note, I am training for this triathlon and I did two spinning classes this week for the bike riding, and ran twice, today about 2.5 miles and all I need is 2 miles.  It is painful, but I am doing it anyway.  I watch the little mile register and as soon as I hit my goal, I slow that sucker right down to a walk.  I am quite slow, but all I want to do is finish.  I am not going to swim again until after the reunion.  It does a number on my hair.

I am quite tired and really do have to stop in the little girls room but I am afraid to leave the blog open for fear of big eyes.  Oh well, I just need to take a risk.  I may be the last one in the office today………..

I am not the last one.  Jack is in here and he’s freaking out.  I just don’t have the peace of mind to deal with this and, Jack, if you are reading this this, I apologize, but the more you don’t do, the less affinity I have.  That is correct.  That isn’t to say I can’t have it some other time, but right now, I am horrified at you.   On the one hand you are working so hard, and on the other hand, you don’t know what to do.    I give up, which is it? 

I feel cold, but, I have to self-protect.   This is going to get bad before it gets good.  Pray for me, world. 

At least I booked my 4 interviews for today.  I accomplished something.  I reached out to two associates and spent time with my other two.  Plus I motivated one to participate in the contest. 

Jack is back and this is not a good communication day.  I guess I better go eat crow or whatever I have to do to calm him down.  He says he is working so I can’t say that he is not.  I can’t say much right now.  I think I will just keep my mouth shut.  I guess he needs me to say something nice.  Very difficult right now.

I better go.

7-19-12

The money situation is horrible.  We are now into our checking plus and it is growing the debt by @ $300 a day.  We are now owing $2000 and it is freaking me out.  Jack is not booking appointments or writing business and so there is no money coming in in the foreseeable future.

I am trying to stay calm and it is very difficult.  If I think about it I get nervous, anxious and irritable.  I guess the thing is to not think about it.  If it turns and we can pay it off, great.  BUT, if it doesn’t turn the debt will just continue to grow.  The problem is that there is no money coming in.  Jack makes promises about delivering and so I feel better when I believe him, but when his promises are empty, it really freaks me out. 

If I try to tell him this, we get into a fight like last night.  It is too hard to keep my mouth shut sometimes and it is never a good thing.  I was going to meet him at another enrollment, and once again, there is no one at the place so I am not going.  This happened yesterday or the day before, too.  We think there will be business and there is not.

My premium sucks for another week in a row.  I am trying to motivate my people to make appointments.  Two out of four are doing something.  Jack and another woman are not succeeding.  I guess I better just focus on what I need to do which is recruit more new people and not worry about now.  Cleansing breaths………cleansing breaths…….

Today I talked to FB for a while.  We discussed addiction and what it was like to be on the drugs and get off them.  Very interesting.  I enjoy talking to him.  I don’t know why, I just do.  DH has his 40th reunion this weekend and I have my 35th.  Interesting.  SM and I don’t even look at each other which is fine.  Gotta go.

Later:

What a shitty day!!!  I told Jack that I couldn’t stand the fact that we were going into the line of credit at an attrocious rate with no money scheduled to come in.  “Don’t worry, I will book 6 appointments today.”  He wanted me to come with him so I did.  We went into a few places with nothing gained.  I started feeling physically ill so after that I stayed in the car.  I made my resume calls and also slept.  I just couldn’t stand it.  It makes me feel hopeless and devoid of energy.

Finally I asked him to take me home.  I drove Chad to a complimentary appointment with a college planner which was frightening to say the least.  Then I drove Sybil to her tumbling.  Apparently she was not a head case this time and actually enjoyed it.  I am concerned because if she starts going again, the fees will just expand the line of credit.  I HATE DEBT.  I REALLY FUCKING HATE IT!!!  Debt means that I am working to pay for what we already spent.  I don’t get to spend it on food or bills, forget about saving any in order to have a REAL LIFE!!!  It feels like I am sinking and drowning and going down a dark hole that I can’t get out of.  It is physically uncomfortable.

I started saying something to Sybil about did the tumbling place say anything and she just got bitchy.  “What is your problem?”  She always says that I am just miserable and want everyone else to be miserable.  Well, that’s a great way to interact with your mother, right?  So whatever I say that calls her to account for her rude, disrepectful, disobedient behavior gets turned back on me.  It is similar to the old Jack’s way of not being responsible for his actions.  Deflect, defend, and attack me so that I end up defending myself.  A shitty many years of me thinking I was the cause of all of our problems.  He would never account for what he said he was going to do.  He still doesn’t.  It’s like, “oh  well,”  if I said I was going to book 6 appointments, it was an intention, not a promise.

Well, I find this way difficult.   B UT, I no longer take on their accusations.  I told Sybil that she could not go out with her friends tonight as a consequence of her rudeness and disobedience.  Now, we never tell her that she can’t do something, but, the other night we had discussed that she must be in bed by midnight (I wanted 10:00 PM), without the computer.  When I got up at 1:00 AM, she was still up with the computer in her bed.  I told Jack that there needs to be a consequence for that.

Tonight was the consequence.  She told us she would not learn from this.  I thought she had gone in the other room, but ten minutes later I realized that she was gone.  I couldn’t find her anywhere.  She didn’t answer her phone or a text.   I started driving around the neighborhood.  When I returned, she was walking back to the house.  We told her that was a great way to say “fuck you.” 

What she said to me (and now denies), was that if someone says no to her, she will make them as miserable as she is.  That is true and she does this with expert prowess.   Skilled beyond belief.  She deflects everything and blames me for all of it.  “I don’t understand……etc.”

I am just tired of arguing.  Jack took Sybil to a concert downtown that I didn’t want to go to.  Sitting with bugs and crowds and being stuck is not my idea of fun.  I would rather type.  Our production is down, our money is negative, I was up on the scale, and I am only looking forward to going to the gym tomorrow.  

I had a great conversation with FB today.  I enjoy them.  When things are tough, it is nice to have a friend.  It is interesting to find out about someone else’s life and to be able to listen to someone else.  I know it is an escape, but things are very difficult right now.  I am on my third light beer.  My friends were going to text if they are going out, but I really just want to get into bed and read my book and save my going out for the weekend.  I just don’t want to talk to anyone right now.

I feel like a failure in all areas.  I have cramps like I have my period, but no period.  I guess that’s not a bad thing, but it is freaking me out that I might really never get it again.  I just want to eat and drink, but haven’t been that terrible considering what I could be.  Hold on, I am going to update my points………

Ok – I was zeroed today because I drank 3 beers instead of eating dinner.  Light beers – 11 points.  Plus, very spicy sweet potato fries that Jack made.  Oh, and two containers of brussel sprouts roasted in the oven.  0 points for the brussel sprouts.

So, I feel like I can’t do anything right.  I can’t lose weight, can’t make money, can’t relate to my child, can’t keep a clean house (I don’t really care about this one, just through it in to make the misery list longer), feel like I am being eaten by bugs in my own house, don’t like my new hair cut, can’t make a fucking appointment and don’t want to, don’t go the office, and just want to go read my book.

I guess tomorrow is another fucking day if we are lucky.  I am just frustrated, itchy, and feel like my beer gut is hanging over my pants.  I am going to go up and fantasize and read.  If Jack is reading this, you are on your own.  Don’t wake me up to accuse me of anything, I am too frustrated to defend myself. 

Last night I tried to be nice.  Jack was the adult when I was a fighting child, and I appreciated it, but tonight I am just too frustrated to be anything but asleep.  I guess I better finish my beer and go upstairs with the bugs that will follow the lights.   I suppose I could have eaten alot more.  I am trying to think if I didn’t record something.  Well, I will dream of a life with more money, less frustration, and more fun at home……..

I am sure there is more but………….thanks for listening.

7-17-12

Making calls so this may be a little disjointed.  I am not writing as much since the “new Jack” has emerged.  For one I am afraid of him reading it, but I am going to get over that.  It helps for me to be honest because in life I am obviously not.  There is a lot that I think that I wouldn’t be comfortable saying to most people that are close to me, so this is a good outlet.  I can say things here that I can’t say anywhere else or that I don’t even know I need to say.  It just comes out my fingers.

So,……it’s been a miraculous shift since last week.  After FB told me he was in love with this young girl and described his sexual fantasy with her in more detail than I cared to hear, I had to detach from him almost immediately.    Needless to say, I was quite disturbed and wanted to figure out why.  I don’t really know him so how could I have “imagined” a life with him.   I had this whole fantasy figured out as I had with DH as well.  We were “soul mates” and meant to be together, blah, blah, blah in my mind.  (Don’t take into account he mostly didn’t talk to me and any conversation with him was because I made it happen.   He was always so consumed with his work out that it wasn’t always fun to talk to him anyway if truth be told.  But, those details obviously didn’t factor into the fantasy.)

Basically, what I realized was that I was supposed to be his fantasy, not her.  She was young and fresh faced and I became automatically back to “old, fat and ugly.”  How could I have thought I was his fantasy?  Just because he said I was “special” once?  Just because he smiled at me occassionally?  Just because he had a great body?

The obvious answer is yes.  That was all it took.  For someone to be nice to me and smile at me and have “sharing” conversations with me.  A while ago he had told me he liked to watch my ass.  Not recently at all, but as I was desperate for compliments, I held onto them and nurtured them and grew them in my mind.  All it took was a smile or a hi and that compliment grew and grew in my mind until subconsciously I became “the one” in his mind according to my need for fantasy.

I was very disturbed that day about his “being in love” with someone else.  I had to look and see why it bothered me so much.  I even brought it up to Jack without telling him HOW much it bothered me. 

Jack and I had a long conversation where we actually reviewed many of my boyfriends from my single days.  I realized in this conversation that the fantasy is about someone thinking I am “the one.”  Not that I think that they are “the one,” but that they think I am “the one”.  This was a huge discovery.   I would stay with a guy in the wonderful first phase of the relationship when they worshipped me and were nice and wonderful, but as soon as they would express any kind of annoyance or negativity about something about me, they were out.  I didn’t understand the mechanism then, but it became clear as we talked. 

As soon as they said something negative, I would get rid of the guy.  I would trade him in and replace him with someone else.  I never knew why, but now it makes sense.  If they were being critical or expressing annoyance with me, I couldn’t be “the one” for them in my mind.   I couldn’t pretend that they thought I was the one. 

In this case,  if FB was “in love” with this girl, which first of all is bull shit since he’s never talked to her, but if he is, I would be hard pressed to pretend I am the one.  Right?

I didn’t discuss all this with Jack, partly because I hadn’t figured it all out a that time, but I  had noticed that Jack  had changed for the better.    He was more patient with me, kept asking what he could do to help me, wanted to spend time with me, said he missed me, and was checking with me when he scheduled stuff.

At first it was just annoying because I didn’t trust him, but then he started telling me about these programs that he wanted to buy.  I originally told him that he should look at them for himself.  I just wasn’t interested.  I was still hung up on my fantasy life.  I didn’t want a life with Jack.  I still looked like a prison.  I wanted to be “THE ONE” for someone.  I wanted passion, excitement and for them to love me just the way I am. 

Meanwhile, Jack had ordered the programs and was listening to them.  One deals deeply with sex and how to pleasure a woman.  It goes over the diagram of a woman and how to please her.  One of the most important things is that women’s minds are busy so you need to be patient and allow them to get into the mood.  (They don’t just start off there except probably at the beginning of the relationship when they are completely crazy about the guy and sex starved!!!!!)

This patience has been very helpful.  In the recent past since he has been taking testerone (which has also made a HUGE difference)  if I had said I wasn’t in the mood or tired, Jack would get all pissy with me and we would just get into a fight.  He would whine about how he would just never have sex again in his life.  Now he is patient and gives me a massage to relax me and his job is “to please and pleasure me.”   What could be bad about that?  It’s hard to find fault with this program.

The other CD set is called “Marriage Fitness.”  It talks about having love in your marriage.  People get together based on “roles” which can change.  How they look, where they work, how they wear their hair, etc.  These things are not solid foundations.    Basing a marriage on the core of the person instead has it last.  I am simplifying it because my meeting is about to start.  It’s a big deal meeting. 

Anyway, Jack wants to make things work and said that I was his “soul mate” which he got from the CD.  I realized that if Jack says I am the one, then I am getting my fantasy but in real life.  Obviously there is more work to do, but I can be honest and vent and it’s ok.  I just have to give him his love language which is words.  Mine is quality time and being listened to.  If we can do those things, it can work.  There is a long way, but there is hope, which is very important.

On a funny note, last night Jack was into his computer and didn’t give me any attention.  I was exhausted and had exercised my butt off and so I went upstairs to try to sleep.  In my little trying to go to bed talk to myself, I started a pretend dialogue with FB.  I had FB saying, I didn’t mean it, YOU are the one I am in love it.  I was just trying to make you jealous.  Of course she is too young and I was just kidding.  It is really you that I fantasize about….. I actually started believing this for a few seconds……..why did I go back to the fantasy?………. I could see I needed to make myself feel better since Jack was preoccupied and wasn’t paying attention to me.  Funny, huh?   Icould go right back to the fantasy and make it my own version of reality in order to feel better and pretend I was “the one” for somebody.  I find it very strange how the mind does things……

Anyway, gotta go.,  Meeting started.  Thanks for listening…………

7-12-12

Back in a funk when I was doing so well.  I was talking to FB today about a variety of things, and when a specific girl was coming towards us he said:  “I am so in love with her.  I just fantasize about all the things I would do to her…..”  And he proceeded to tell me what he would do.  I said “well, why don’t you go out with her?” 

“I am too old,”. 

“Have you talked to her?”

“No.”

“I can introduce you to her.”

“No.”

He continued to describe his fantasy and said he was getting aroused and I should walk away so I did.  I did my ab work feeling like a fat, old and ugly hag.  Now, this is interesting since what he was saying wasn’t even about me.

I actually had a long, long talk with Jack about it. [I am making calls as I type so I am losing my train of thought, but since, I was highly unproductive today, I need to feel better about doing SOMETHING!!!]

So, we discussed alot about all my relationships.  It seems that I want to be “The One” for someone.  That works in a fantasy that is not associated with reality because I can make the whole thing up.  According to Jack, that is “an affair” since I am emotionally involved even if it is not real, but whatever, that is not the point of my inquiry.  His poit is that it removes me from him in our marriage.  Yes, I said, that was the point.  You were removed for 16 years and after Halloween, a year and a half ago, I removed myself.

Well, now Jack has connected and is being quite fabulous.  He ordered a program on having an extraordinary relationship and also how to please a woman sexually which is quite awesome – miraculous, even.  That is what I wanted for years – for him to reconnect, so it is ironic that now that he is connected, I am having a hard time coming back.  That’s why I am writing – to figure out what is in the way.

Back to FB – so, he was my fantasy in terms of I was his “the one”, but knowing that that other girl is HIS fantasy, just sends me to the left.  I am old, fat and ugly, can’t be successful at work, bad mother, lazy ass, lethargic and who cares about anything.  I am not drinking my water, but instead, an iced coffee which is NOT what I said I would do. 

It’s not REALLY that I wanted FB, it’s that I NEEDED to be THE ONE for somebody.  When SM wanted me, it was a real rush and euphoric time for me.  I liked and needed the feeling of being attractive to someone, especially after Jack made it clear that it did not “occur” for him to have sex with me.  Being wanted was a great feeling that I wanted more of. 

When he turned to LL, I found a new “the one”.  With the thought that I am desired or wanted comes a sexual attraction for me.  BUT, it can also turn off like it did for DH.  I know longer lust for DH which is fascinating since a year ago I was convinced we were “soul mates” and meant to be together.  The good news is that the guy doesn’t really matter.  I can “imprint” on different people, but it seems that I can only really have eyse for one MAIN one at a time.  Because if they/I am the one, how could there be two?

So, now that FB has “shown his hand”, I guess it is time to move on.  Could I imprint on Jack?  Could he be the one?  I guess I would have to be safe, but it is almost embarassing to think that way.  Like it is a childish concept that plays out in fantasy, but not in real life.  Interesting.

Well, we will see.  When Jack accuses me of altering my schedule for these people, he is right.  I do change my movements based on my crush at the time.  It is part of needing some contact, albeit it a hi or wave will suffice.  It’s not real contact.  It is just enough to keep the fantasy alive. 

With DH, at times he was a downright ass hole, telling me to get away or leave him alone.  He says he was kidding, but I don’t think so.  BUT, in the fantasy, you can rationalize anything.  It is pretty fucked up, I must say.  BUT, I guess I needed it.  I was ADDICTED to it as I am sure FB is, since he has an addictive personality.  Probably everyone in the gym does, since they are there most days.   He is alot like me, which is probably why I singled him out – angry, obsessive, fantasizes, passionate, moody, and honest to a fault.  BUT, two alikes would probably kill each other.  So, it was dumb, but fulfilled the fantasy requirement since nothing could happen with him. 

I had to write today since I was so fucked up about this.  I need to look more into why I need to be “the one.”  I guess since I am not lovable, I need to be seen as “special.”  If I am not at least special for a short time to someone, I whither away and become invisible and miserable and alone and worthless and Patty comes and beats on me until I just want to go to sleep.

I see it with Missy.  If she has a guy pursuing her or of interest, she is on a high.  Once he is gone, she dies and won’t leave her house or be productive.  It is more manic than my swings, but they physically and mentally affect her.

Why do I need someone at all?  Good question.  But then I become an independent bitch who doesn’t need anyone so I don’t know if I have a happy medium.  I will look.  Why is my mood dependent on what “THEY” do?  Good question.  I will have to look at that. 

On a side note:  I am not getting on the scale and it is really hard.  It’s like I need to see how I am doing or I feel like panicking.  I guess the scale does determine how I eat which is probably why whenever it goes down, I eat and it goes back up on Mondays.  Fucked up, man.

Alot of times when I think I am hungry I am actually thirsty.  The water trick is working a little.  Not 100% of the time, but sometimes.  I didn’t realize how thirsty I am. 

TRAINING

On a training for the triathlon note:  I ran 2 miles yesterday, rode 6 on the stationary bike, and did a spinning class today for an hour.  I will have to swim either tonight or tomorrow.  I know my hair was a mess today when I saw FB and that is what I am thinking turned him to the big boobed skinny bitch.  (She actually is not a bitch, but…….)

I did swim 34 laps the other day which is over a half mile, so I seem to be getting more in shape to do this thing.  Tomorrow I will run, like it or not.  My legs were killing me today when I got to the gym and the spinning seemed to work them out which is fantastic.

OK, I think that’s enough.  If you are reading this, Jack, don’t wake me up in the middle of the night, please!!!!!!!!  This is my process and I think I am making very good progress.

7-10-12

Yesterday I had an eight hour training meeting.  My goal was to stay awake and I did.  YIPPEE!!  Did I learn something?  Sure I did, but I must say the meeting could have been shorter. 

Sybil just called and needs a ride.  Very quickly, I was up 2.4 pounds today at Weight Watchers.  Guess what I did?  Yes, you guessed it.  I cried.  I am so frustrated.  Melanie is great, though, she is the Prodigal leader.  She asked what is one thing I can change this week?  I thought for a while and I said.  More water.   I did not say cut out alcohol or food, I just said I would focus on more water.  I am drinking alot.

I swam tonight getting ready for my triathlon.   My legs are really sore.  I saw FB from afar.  If it wasn’t for the bag, I wouldn’t have known he was there.  I can only think that the whole thing is either in my mind or he realizes it is dumb since I am not available.  Why do I need these thoughts?   They are a comfort for me in some way, like food was.  There is nothing going on – really – unlike SM and LL.  He is now doing his own thing and not charming her which I am enjoying.  I think they did the deed last week.   I could be imagining it, but I don’t see them giggling together anymore or stretching together or even running together.  They were two peas in a pod and now he is doing his weights all alone with his music.

I think he is like a vampire.  He builds up the pressure and then once it blows, so to speak, he is done with the person.  I am just glad it is not me this time.  Much more interesting to watch. 

DH has avoided me since his weirdness.  He came up to me over the weekend and said I needed to “put out” already.  I just looked at him like he had two heads.  Where the fuck did that come from?  Now he is staying his distance.  I don’t really give a shit.  I am over him.  I am not over FB.  I can’t figure out the obsession, but I will.  In case Jack is reading this, THERE IS NOTHING GOING ON OUTSIDE OF MY MIND.  I am working on the mind piece so take a chill pill and don’t wake me up.

Gotta go.  I am not going to censure myself because of Jack’s nosiness.  So there.  Well, I am a little, but at least I am back to blogging.  Gotta get Syb.

7-8-12

I am typing out in the sun so I can’t see what I am doing very well.  It is hot, but there is a little breeze.  Since our air conditioner has been broken since Hurrican Irene last summer ( I think it was her), we have no A/c.  Since the temperatures have been high 90’s and humid, let’s just say I am sweating alot and feel like I am in a perpetual hot flash.

I thought I was having them alot, but I think it is mainly the heat.  Not all of it, but alot of it.  I will feel the heat through the back of my neck and arms, and then I break out into a sweat.  It is really quite a lovely sensation.  I have been changing my clothes alot.

Well, my mom and sister and brothers are still in Israel.  I am in charge of Dad and that is going ok.  We had his 88th birthday party on Friday night and that was very nice.  My aunts and uncles came and were very nice and loving to my Dad.  He enjoyed the attention. 

I havcn’t blogged since Jack read my stuff.   He was all over me for a few days and angry.  Well, I don’t blame him for being angry, but I do blame him for getting into my personal stuff.   That’s why I put disclaimers on everything.  Don’t read if it will get you upset. 

I haven’t wanted to write anything becuase I was still thinking about FB .  He is my escape hatch mentally.  The truth is he hasn’t been around and so there is nothing to report.   I do think about him, but as I dissect my thoughts, I wonder what is the point?  What has he done that makes me so attached? 

– He shared himself.  He listened.  He gave me a few compliments.  AND, he is in great shape. 

– However, I think the rest is in my mind.  I know it is.  If I want to talk to him I have to go up to him pretty much.  He is a “D” and so very focussed on what he is doing.  Like me when I am a “D”.  Even if he did feel anything for me, I’m sure he realizes that I am not available so my theory is that he has backed off to separate himself.  That makes me feel a little better than if it was all iny brain.  Just like DH.  I think he may have felt some affinity for me, but I KNOW I made all that stuff up,  I was totally out of control a year ago before the hurricane in my mind with DH.  I really was so attached and in a fantasy.  SO, the good news is that I can recover from it. 

– I like FB and feel for him since he confided in me.  BUT, I don’t want to bother him.  When I need to think about a safe place, I guess it is in my crushes.  It is a way to think that someone cares about me and loves me.  Jack keeps telling me I need to love myself.  Well, if I did, I wouldn’t need the crushes, but they are like a safety. 

– After my talks with Jack after he read this blog, I thought about letting go of my thoughts about FB.  I just didn’t want to let go.  It was like when I was still eating and thought about letting go of my security blanket of food.  The little me inside would scream, “NO – YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY ONLY FRIEND.”   I guess food was my friend back then.  I couldn’t let go of my Friday nights.  I would be good all week and then, Friday, life would still suck and I would grab the nachos and margaritas or pizza and beer or just a good old bag of chips with hummus.

– It didn’t matter so why shouldn’t I have?  The problem was the 40 pounds I gained.  I am only down 25 of them, but I guess I look much better and I am in pretty damn good shape since I am an over-exercising maniac.

– I am sitting on my deck on the sun couch with the computer on a table between my legs and my legs spreadeagle on a chair on one side and a table on the other.  Very attractive.  It is starting to get uncomfortable.   OK, I got one leg down.  Much better.  I am definately sweating out here but there is a nice breeze at times.

– Yesterday Chad and I played in a parent/child tennis tournament.  Neither of us had played for two years.  We sucked.  We didn’t get one freaking game.  The competitive – win only – side of me was not feeling real good.  I had to tell the people that we hadn’t played in all that time so justify our suckiness.   AND, it was so hot that you really didn’t feel like moving.  So fucking hot. 

– Why haven’t I mentioned Jack?  I was really mad at him, BUT, he has really taken on making our marriage work.  He is reading and listening to men talk about how to please a woman sexually AND how to have an extraordinary marriage.   He is starting to melt my wall of protection.  I am actually enjoying myself.  A part of myself is still wanting to be “loyal” to my fantasy and hold out, but the other me is enjoying myself.  I like the attention, being desired, massaged, and acknowledgement.  He is getting who I am and that is directly because, I think, that he read this blog.

– In this blog, I am real and unabashed and freely speaking.  In the real world I hold back for fear of upsetting somebody.  I am free in this blog and that is why I enjoy writing so much.  I like letting my fingers speak for me.  I wouldn’t say these things out loud for fear that they would upset someone OR, more importantly, they wouldnt be interested.  

– So, it’s been a journey.  I was too mad to write, but since I like it, I will continue.  If Jack reads this again, he will do it at his own risk.  AND, while it may hurt him, I told him this is my process and I have to figure out why I need my crushes.  He doesn’t like that I watch them at the gym, but I have to just say, TOO FUCKING BAD.  For now, this is where I am.  I watch a lot of people.  There is only one I am hung up on, AND, I am deciphering out why I need him.  It’s not like I know him very well.  It is just what is in my imagination.  So, this is where I am and I am not going to apologize for the truth.  If I think it but don’t write it, I am still thinking it.  That is my truth as of now.  Yes, I still think about FB alot.  I don’t know why, I just do.  It doesn’t mean there is anything going on with him, it just means I think about him.  He wasn’t there yesterday or today, and I didn’t talk to him Thursday or Friday.  Wednesday I didn’t see him so I guess our last conversation was Tuesday. 

– I do have other friends there, like IT, DH, SM, TJ, and the old farts.  They are nice.  There are also girls that I enjoy talking to.  As you take classes, you meet people that way as well.  If I am ever alone, I will have to remember that.  It is relaxed and I am not desperate to meet people. 

So, Jack, if you are reading this, please don’t wake me up in the middle of the night.  Nothing is going on that you need to be worried about.  I understand that you want to be the one I talk to and confide in, so I guess this is my way of doing it, but you may not like some of it.  Read at your own risk.

It kind of pissed me off that you were commenting on my blog.  Not for any rational reason, but it was like you were trying to get in on “MY THING.”  Because, I don’t think your intentions were pure.  You need to look and see if that’s true.   It’s sort of like peeing on your territory and I am sorry that I have made you so insecure and untrusting that you need to do that.   My apologies, but a part of me still wants another life at times.  You may too.  It doesn’t mean I am leaving, just that I need an escape hatch should things look bad.  Not to use, but to think I have if that makes sense.

Anyway, time to go.  I am too damn hot and my still straddled one leg is beginning to cramp.

Thanks for listening.

7-3-12

It’s like you were my secret lover instead of just my thoughts.  It’s the night of the fireworks.   Jack may be puling in which I think he is.  Gotta go.  Love you.  I feel like a forsaken lover.  Adios.

7-1-12

Read at your own risk.  I have to say that now.  My blog was finally read, so that’s good, but guess who read it?  You guessed it, Jack.

He woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me we needed to talk.  I was sound asleep and needed to get up to work out in a couple of hours, so my first thought was that couldn’t this wait?  But then I realized he must be pretty upset. 

He doesn’t like my “chronicling” my activities at the gym.  Well, more importantly, he doesn’t like that I have activities at the gym to chronicle.    It was a tough couple of hours which left me very tired and frustrated. 

First of all, this is my private place to write.  This is where I vent.  This is not reality, just how I feel at a particular moment.  It lets me get it out because I realize that I am pretty clammed up with the outside world.  I have run out of people that can listen to this shit.  It just sounds like I am complaining, but really it is a purging.  I think it is healthier than keeping it in AND, it prevents me from dumping it on others.  It isn’t real stuff, it’s just thoughts.   I guess I have learned throughout my life not to say certain things to certain people because of the reaction I get.

I don’t like conflict and I don’t like being on the defensive which is what I certainly was that night.  I have not written because I have been afraid that Jack will read it.  BUT, I have decided to be brave and forge on.  I can’t pretend to be someone I am not.

So, let’s chronicle:  FB wasn’t there yesterday and he was there today and I said hi.  I have decided that his taking a break last week from working out was personal (even though I am sure it had nothing to do with me) and I am moving on.  AS IF there was actually something going on.  I did have a conversation with SM in front of him, not on purpose, but because he was asking me about my work and I had to be polite.  I had asked him to show me the back stretch again because my back was cramping up again.

So, now I am concerned that I didn’t talk to FB.  Why I ask?  I know it doesn’t matter, but it is my current obsession.  So, Jack, it is virtually meaningless.  It just means it is easier to think about that then about how I have not a dollar in my bank account and I have no gas in the car.  How we could start using credit cards again and be even more fucked financially.  How my sister and mother are on their way to Israel for my niece’s Bat Mitzvah and we are so fucking broke that it wasn’t even a vague possibility.   That I am the fucking poor/broke sibling that isn’t even asked to contribute to gifts because everyone knows we are so fucked.

I know things can change, but this just gets to me somehow.  “Well, make more money.”   Ok, ass hole, I really should, but I hate sales and calling people that don’t want to hear from me.  I hate when people are mean, and, I have to say, I am just so tired and frustrated and just wanting to sleep it all away.  I don’t feel like a fighter in the sales sense.  This week I was totally panicked that I wouldn’t make my numbers.  I was paralyzed by fear and powerlessness.  I felt physically ill last Thursday and didn’t do much of anything useful at all.

I can always take calls from clients and even call resumes, but making calls for new business, I am just fucking stuck.  I have called some existing accounts and haven’t made any progress so I feel like I am doing it wrong and therefore don’t want to do more.  I should just ask for help, but I feel too damn lazy.

I also feel like FB and I used to be friends, and we haven’t had any good talks since our schedules don’t match anymore.  AND, one of the last times I talked to him, he sort of went crazy like I was just complaining, even though I just said I was in a funk.  So, I am a little hesitant to be real with him anymore and that was what made it a nice friendship.   Like it was a brief friendship thing.  Why?  Why don’t I have friends for longer?  Is it me?  It is them?  I don’t really know.

Right now I am hot even though I am in the air conditioned library.  Is it another fucking menopausal hot flash?  These really suck.  You get really hot and soaking wet for no apparent reason and it feels like you enter hell at random times throughout the day.

I was going to pretend I wasn’t chronicalling so Jack wouldn’t know, but I decided that if he wants to read this, that’s his problem.  It is like reading someone’s diary.     Well, I have dragged Sybil into the library against her will and she is coming over now so I guess I will sign off.  Thanks for listening.  It feels better than keeping it in.

PS  She is reading next to me.  On a good note, although it was unpleasant, Jack knows more about me than he did before and he is being very nice.  He didn’t like the part where I said he didn’t care, and he is being really nice.  He is listening and paying attention which were my main complaints so things are much better.  I am still holding on to a little fantasy life on some level, but not like I was before.  He wants me to say nice things to him but I am not quite there yet.

I haven’t let go of my safety net of the fantasy life yet, but I am not holding on as tight.  He was suggesting that I write a book about how I fell back in love with my husband.  I don’t know if I know how – to write a book, I mean.  I like to journal, but writing a book seems like a lot of work that I don’t know how to do.  So, we will see………to be continued.

Again, Jack, if you are reading this, don’t wake me up in the middle of the night disturbed.  I really do go to the gym to work out.  I am sorry if you are jealous, but on some level, it certainly did let you know my real and true feelings………..guess I can write them but not say them.  I don’t know why, but I have always been able to put things down in writing that I would never have the ability to say out loud.  So, maybe this isn’t all bad.  Time will tell.  Thanks for putting up with me.

6-27-12

I am at Starbucks.  Sybil is getting braces and so it wasn’t worth going home.  We were supposed to have a meeting but it cancelled for the second day in a row. 

Sybil had 10 friends over last night and she told me about it an hour before.  Jack is making comments that make he feel bad.  An associate is coming here in ten minutes.  I need more premium for one associate in order to hit my number and everything is not happening.

This is God’s test.  How much little minutaie can you take without losing your shit all together?  FB has not been at the gym since Saturday and it is now Wednesday.  Where the fuck is he?   It’s probably better – all I have is my fantasy to fuel me.  No reality to rear it’s ugly head.

Nora Ephraim died.  I didn’t realize she wrote When Harry Met Sally AND Sleepless in Seattle AND You’ve Got Mail.  All the good ones.  Oh well. 

So, I am completely frazzled about these freaking numbers.  Let me go check if the computer responded.   OK, never mind, the whole thing shut down since internet freaking explorer was not freaking working. 

Well, I will type while I can until the girl comes.  She was down in freaking Alabama and is so new that it’s amazing she got anything through. 

My regional was looking at me the other day and said “patience.  You don’t have any patience.  Translated in Patty speak:  You are so fucked up I can’t work with you.  You are a nut case.

Liz was acting like I was a wimp today when I only wanted to do one minute of planks.  Come on, she says.  I am working on my beautilicious body.  Translated in Patty speak:  You are a Fat, Lazy Ass hole, but I want to Look Good.

Then I went to the locker room and saw my stomach hanging over my pants.  Fuck.  If I had known, I would have been holding it in.   Patty says:  You actually think you look good, you fucking fat loser.  You are a fat joke.

Last night I was on Jack’s complete case because he doesn’t fucking close the screen doors when he comes in the house.  We live on top of a marsh and there are mosquitos and bugs everywhere.  “I was waiting for you to come out or in.”  Patty is yelling:  Don’t fucking wait for me.  Meanwhile 18 bugs have come in.

Let’s now get to his chewing.  When I am trying not to eat chips, he comes in crunching as loud as a loud clap of thunder right in my ear.  I want to rip his fucking head off.  I sit there trying not to be bitchy, but with each fucking bite my irritation grows bigger and bigger and meaner and meaner.  Finally PATTY yells:  If you keep chewing this loud, you will end up a eunoch.  (sp)    

The chewing and the slurping and the noises – even the way he enunciates – make me see red.  I want to scream.

Today Sybil was a bitch on wheels.  She blames me for not doing the braces sooner.  If I had, she wouldn’t be in pain now.  OK, she’s right, but…….am I going to have to hear this for the next 18 months?  I was fighting with her this morning and yelling at the top of my lungs.  The boys were just staying out of the way of two female monsters. 

Chad is nice.  He rubs my shoulders after an extremely harsh interaction.  Now this woman is getting late.  I am waiting to use the bathroom so I don’t have to bring my computer into the freaking ladies room and I am getting to the point of pain here. 

Well, I am starting to feel better.  More coffee is not a good idea, I think.  How come the bathroom is always empty except when I wanted to go there was some guy in there for 45 minutes?  I really didn’t want to go in there after him at all.

There is a retired fireman at the gym who comes later who is very nice.  I used to be scared of him, but now he is actually quite interesting to talk to.  He was telling me about what a “whore” he was until he met his wife.  So, I asked him about it.  He said it was before AIDS and most diseases.  Interesting.  AND, he is not a condom guy, but he came out unscathed. 

So, alot in my brain and when I don’t vent, I just get stuck in my mind.  I need to vent to stay healthy, or I just keep it in and blow.  I need to hit this number so I better get back to work.  I am afraid the woman will finally get here and 1.  I will be sitting in a puddle of pee and 2.  She will see what I am writing.  I don’t know which is worse.  I think I better risk leaving the computer and just freaking go.

I am too uncomfortable to type anymore.  Gotta go.  Literally .  Not editting.  Thanks for listening.