Worrying

23 Jul

After a few weeks of being sort of suppressed, I have realized that there are a few issues that I am worried about. I didn’t even know that they were there.  Today, however, I started crying at the gym when I started talking about them.  It was actually a relief to start talking about them.  Then, I can address them and identify actions that I can take instead of just driving myself numb.  And, already, I am starting to feel a little bit more alive.

What are the issues?  Well, thanks for asking.

  • The Incomplete:
    • My wonderful, handsome, funny, kind son has had an incomplete from his junior year in college – he wasn’t worried about it, but I have been.  If he doesn’t complete this project he will get an F in his entrepreneurial course.  This will affect his GPA which will result in him losing about $40,000 in scholarships.  He will not go back senior year and will not graduate from Quinnipiac.  When I mentioned it he told me not to nag, but my silence was not propelling him into action.
    • I finally exploded a week ago.  “This may not be affecting you, but it is ruining my summer.  You will not go on any more trips until you finish this project.”
      • It actually felt good to take a stand for him.  He just stared at me.
    • The thing that bothered me the most is that he hasn’t been concerned about it.  Or doing anything about it.  So, now he is.  He doesn’t want to miss his Birthright trip to Israel which leaves next Sunday.
  • My mother
    • She is newly widowed.
    • She is 87.
    • My kids and I have been staying with her since June.  My rental was just for the winter and they are out of school.  My ex is rebuilding the house they are to live in and it’s taking longer then usual so we are all kind of homeless.
    • So we are here.  I am seeing it as a mitzvah (good thing in Yiddish).  We are keeping her company.  Keeping an eye on her for my other 4 siblings so they don’t have to worry about her.
    • And, it’s stressful.  She asks a lot of questions.  I don’t have the answers.  I get annoyed.  And then I feel bad for being a bad daughter.
    • But my main worry:  what will happen when I move back to my rental in September and the kids are back to college?  Who will watch her then?
    • I guess I just need to have a conversation with her.  I can still visit and call.  Maybe it will be better/easier for her to not have us to deal with every day.  Who knows?
  • My Ex-Husband
    • First of all he’s always around.  And, it really annoys me.  But when I say something, I look like the bitch.  He looks like Mr. Nice Guy.  So, I don’t say anything and I silently seethe.  And then I drink.  So, I need to find a better way.  And I don’t have one yet.
    • Plus, I don’t know if he’s making any money.  He is rebuilding his house and needs to stay there for 5 years or else pay back the grant he got.  Because he loves debt, he will have a hefty monthly nut to crack.  I am worried about his ability to do that.  And, I own half of the house.  I kept half in the divorce but I don’t have to pay the debt.  Also, he is responsible for the college tuitions.  He is borrowing to pay it.  How the hell is he going to pay that back?  I know it’s his problem not mine, but I just feel sad that an intelligent man like him is so freaking stupid about money.  Again, not my problem.  That’s one of the reasons we are no longer married.  Just one of them.  Nothing for me to do on this one except be glad that I am not responsible for half of his debt any longer.
  • Work
    • Numbers haven’t been good so far this quarter.  I know what I have to do, but I’d personally rather be ahead then behind.  It just doesn’t feel good.
  • Men
    • There is really nothing to worry about but sometimes I think I should be doing something about my lack of a good one.  But then I realize my life is fine and it’s alot better to be alone then with someone I don’t like.  My time will come when it’s right.   Chill on this one.
  • Lack of a permanent home
    • Well, I could always stay with mom.  I could also go back to my old house when it is built.  But, for now, I am going back to my winter rental on 9-1.  Yes it’s a small commute but so is getting here. It’s a little creepy when no one’s around, but knowing my neighbors are there is very nice.  So, I will worry about next summer next March.  And, enjoy the water views when I return in September.
  • I guess that’s really it.  I’ve accept my weight for now.  I’m doing my best with food, cutting down the chips and alcohol and still exercising.  I have a small belly but I’m  just being with it.  Otherwise I am in pretty good shape.  Especially for my age.  For the first time in my life I am owning my body and feeling good.  That’s a miracle.

So that’s about it.  Just getting all of this out makes me feel better.  I will take the actions I can take and let go of the ones that I can not do anything about.  Thanks for listening.  I already feel better.

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What’s the lesson here?

22 Jul

I was freaking out.  Panic attacks.  Worried.  Upset.  Irritable.

I tried to share how I was feeling on a call.  It didn’t help.  All it did was make me feel like more of a jerk. Everyone else was happy and I felt like a nut case.

I went to the town pool.  It was hot.  I got in the pool to cool off and then put on my meditation app.  It didn’t help.  My throat hurt.  I felt like I was choking.  It felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“Save me,” I yelled but inside my head.  “Somebody help me.  I’m suffocating.”

Well, maybe not exactly like that, but it reminded me of my birthing story.  I was born with the chord around my neck.  I literally couldn’t get out myself.  I would have died if the doctor hadn’t used the forceps to pull me out.

I was born blue.  So, it was a close one.

And, sometimes when I have a panic attack it feels like I am incapable of “getting out” on my own.  I need help.  I need to be saved.

I went home (to my mother’s house) and fought with my mom.  A bad, screaming fight.  I felt terrible.  She is 87 and a new widow and I am fighting with her?  How bad of a person am I?  What is wrong with me?  I should be shot.

I laid on my bed and tried to breathe.  I was holding my chest.  I felt like it would probably be better if I just died.  I am a useful, horrible person.

I tried to relax, sleep or anything to release the pressure from my chest.

That night I had to go to a work dinner.  I was taking my daughter.  We got ready and drove to the restaurant.  I ordered a drink.  One of my new agents was there and I started focusing on welcoming her.  I started talking to some other people.  Without even realizing it, the bad feeling disappeared.  I pretty much just forgot about it.

The next day at the gym my work out buddy was there.  I was telling him about my anxiety.

“Well, you obviously aren’t doing very well if you are so worried,” he said.

“But I am.  I am doing great.  I am just worried about hitting my numbers because I get an even bigger bonus.  That’s what I am worried about.”

And we had a great conversation.  He told me that he had never felt the way he felt for me with anyone else.  I don’t know where that came from, but I liked it.  That’s what I’ve been telling him about how I felt.  And even though we aren’t together anymore, I felt better knowing that at least I wasn’t feeling that way alone.

I started getting happy.  I waited for him to come out of the locker rooms.

“Don’t fuck with me if you don’t mean it,” I told him.  “Don’t give me hope if this is just a mood swing.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” he said, looking at me with those eyes.  “There is hope.”

Can I trust him?  I don’t know.  But I know it made me happy.  And I felt good, despite my attempts to move on.   Really good.  And, wary at the same time.

I remembered my coach saying “expect miracles” on the call yesterday.  And hearing that stuff from him was a miracle.  And realizing that I was stressed out about the size of my bonus, and that I am actually doing well, was also miracle.

And then things started turning around at work.  It was amazing.

I couldn’t believe the difference a day made.  We booked 5 appointments and ran a few.  I sold a policy.  My agents were all reporting that they were also booking appointments and enrollments.  After a long dry spell for all of us, that was a miracle.

Sure, there are things I am worried about.  But, I don’t feel like I’m having a heart attack anymore.  And, life looks good again.

So what’s the lesson?  Good question.  I guess that bad feelings are not permanent.  I can know that tomorrow, everything can turn around.  Life can look good again.  And, most importantly, I can remember to expect miracles.

And then, I will actually see them.

Protected: What to do now?

21 Jul

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I’m Having the Best Time

18 Jul

I am in New York City.  I actually had two hours between appointments.  Usually, when I’m in the city, I am running from one thing to the next or dragging my bags to catch a train.  Today, I walked from 49th and 3rd to my next destination at 64th and Lex so I was close to where I had to get to.

I looked for a nice place to use my computer and (potentially) have  a drink.  Nothing looked appealing.  It was all groceries or dry cleaners or clothing stores.  The doorman at the building I was going to recommended two places.  I lugged my computer over,  but the tables were 2 inches from each other.  I couldn’t see it.

So I walked another 20 minutes.  My feet and legs were killing me and the sweat was dripping off me.  I went around to Park Avenue.  There was a restaurant/bar that looked closed.  I went in.  There was a man at the door.  He said it was open.  It was empty but roomy, cool and wonderful.

So I have been sitting here, two rose wines later.  I ate two bowls of beer nut/sesame sticks.  My favorite things in the world.  I have a really nice buzz on.  I used to do this when I was single.  Beer nuts and wine.  And, now I am single.  Again.  And, I indulged in the salty, spicy junk food.

And, I am on my way to a Wharton Singles Networking event.  And, I’m afraid they are all going to be 30 years younger than me.  And, I really did not want to come to this.  And, I hope I am not too trashed.  But I love the feeling.

And then, I found out my high school friends are going out at home.  And, the one cute single guy is amongt them.  Of course, he didn’t call me, he called my friend so I shouldn’t be excited.  But, I am anyway.  He has a really great butt.  Is that sexist?  Good.

Another of the guys at the gym who was flirting with me is married.  WTF?  Everyone who is nice to me there is fucking married.  Well, whatever.  I miss my guy but tough shit.  Move on.

And, I am having a great life. I really am.  I don’t know why, but I love my life.  I love my kids, my family, even my work people.  I love being in the city even though I am shlepping my computer, etc.  It is really cool.  I will have to come in more often.

And, I am sad about my mom.  Whenever my sister comes in and takes her to her doctor’s, I get afraid she is losing it.  But, the doctors keep saying she is fine.  So, good.  She is wonder woman.

And, I’m afraid for when I move out in September.  But, one day at a time.

Thanks for listening.  Almost time for the singles event.  ( I swore I would never go to one of these again.)   Hope I made some sense tonight.  Pressing SEND.

Adios.

Reunion is Over – Back to Real Life

17 Jul

We just had our 40th high school reunion.  Wow!!!

It was so much fun.  Of course there were a couple of unpleasant moments when I was stung by a mean comment or two, but otherwise, it was a blast.

My face hurts from smiling.  My voice is hoarse from yelling over the band.  My feet hurt from dancing.  And, my back hurts from the sunburn at the beach.  And, I’m exhausted.

And I hated for it to end.  It was so nice being surrounded by my high school friends and classmates.  I could be my ridiculous self and they laughed.  And, two of my friends share my crazy sense of humor and I forgot how much fun it was to be around them.  I keep guffawing out loud remembering some of our hysterical exchanges.   So much fun.

It did not seem like 40 years had passed.  Wow!!!  And I already miss everyone.  And I wish we could get together all the time, but then it would not be as much as a novelty.   So, the weekend was very special.  I loved laughing, dancing, being goofy, talking, flirting, pinching the guys on the butts (only the few that wouldn’t be offended), and just hanging out.

So much freaking fun…………………………have I said that already?

At one point I was complaining to my friend about how someone had told me I was being bitchy………I call it being real, but whatever……..and my friend said, “people love how you are!  You are refreshing and real.”

And after that, I felt free.  Free to be me instead of wondering what was wrong with me.  And that was a gift.

Another person told me that I was being a gift to my other brothers and sisters by living with my mom right now.  I had never considered it to be that.  I always felt like I was the selfish one and hated myself for getting annoyed with my mom.  So, now I have another interpretation for “living with my mom.”  I am helping my brothers and sisters so they don’t have to worry.  And that was another gift to me.

And, today, I bask in the memories of the weekend.  And, I am getting work done, but, I don’t want to lose the feeling of the love, camaraderie, fun, and laughter that I experienced.  It’s hard to put the feeling into words.

And, I also remember that about ten years ago I submitted a piece on my college reunion to the college paper.  It was one of the first times I had submitted a piece of writing and I was so excited at my bravery.  And then I got a lovely note back saying that unfortunately, many people submit pieces on reunions and so (my interpretation was) that it wasn’t very good and not special enough to print.

So, I didn’t write again.  I gave up for several years.

And then I got over it and wrote my book.  And, started this blog.  And, that’s why I love writing this blog.  I can write whatever I want.  No one is editting, judging or criticizing.  FREEDOM!!!!

So, here is my first published reunion piece.  Enjoy and here’s to the memories!!!

Wow – This Quote Hit Home with Me

13 Jul

“When you hold resentments toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

– Catherine Ponder-

Ok, Ok, I’ll get off it with the person from work.  I already called her and everything was fine.  I didn’t bring up our fight and I will call her again later and not mention it.

Normally I would make it a big deal and keep asking if she was still mad.  If she resented me?  If she wants to talk about it?  It would keep the conversation alive.

And, also, if someone is in a bad mood, it’s not my job to get over it.  They’ll get over it when they do.  It’s actually not my fault or having anything to do with me.  And, my attempts to get them “over it” or talk it out are actually not helpful at all.  In fact, they are probably very annoying.

My biggest fear of being too annoying to be loved was actually being created by me.

I see the pull to still want to discuss the argument with my WF (Work Friend).  But I’m not going to.  Because that would just keep that unhappy conversation alive.  And what for?  So I can prove that I’m not a bad girl?  To prove that I am likable?

What will that accomplish?  It’s actually good that I said something in retrospect.  Because trying to be a “good” girl has allowed myself to be insulted, disrespected, treated like crap, and often disappointed.  I have not stood up for myself because I was afraid to get people mad.  And, as I have said, they get mad anyway.  So it’s a bad strategy.

And, the new me is a little uncomfortable.  But, I am forging the way to freedom and power and having “what I want when I want  it.”  It’s a lot better then “don’t get your hopes up, you will get disappointed.”

So, wish me luck.  Have a great day!!!

 

 

 

 

 

This Reminds Me………….

12 Jul

Whatever you think about all the time you will attract into your life. Not what you want – what you think about.

Bob Proctor – Speaker and Author

So what do you think about?

I know that for the last two weeks we do not have much business going in.  It’s the start of the quarter and I am afraid we are getting behind.  And the thought paralyzes me.

And then I realized that this is familiar every quarter.  At the end of the prior quarter we are so focused on hitting our numbers that we don’t line things up for the next one.  And, we start off behind.

Two things have been helping me:

  • Panic doesn’t help.  I actually do know what to do if I can allow myself to think clearly.  I need to focus on setting appointments because that’s the only way to succeed in our business.  Just because I don’t have as many set as I would like, it doesn’t mean I can’t just set them up now.  That’s the way to open new accounts and sell more in the old ones.
  • When the panic starts, I take a deep breath.  And, I remember that for the last 6 quarters I started out behind and then finished strong anyway.  This is just the way it always starts out.

So I needed to write this so I remember.  I gotta go.  I’m starting to panic!!  I better go set some appointments!!!