Adding More to the List

15 Jan

Like I said earlier, I have a list of things that I have avoided my whole life.  For example, I have set up my life (my identity, it wasn’t a conscious thing) so that I don’t get:

  • criticized
  • anyone upset
  • disappointed
  • anything wrong
  • break someone’s rules
  • not look like a good girl
  • etc.

This leads to a very careful life where I feel like I am living under a clam shell, protecting myself from hurt, and not living a very full life.  I say I want a great relationship, but I’m basically hiding at home so I don’t get hurt again.

And, I always say I want to “inspire people to live their dreams.”  Well, whenever I try to do something about that, something will happen and I will stop and go back into my safe place.  It could be someone saying:

  • you can’t do that
  • or not knowing how
  • my effort don’t turn out like I want them to
  • etc.

So, in order to shake things up and actually have the life I want to have, I am trying to “upgrade” my safety mechanisms by causing the things I am afraid of to happen.  The list so far is:

  • get people upset
  • make messes
  • get disappointed
  • make everything right
  • get criticized

And I have added a new one:

  • talk until people tell me to stop

The reason why I added this one is because I hate when people insinuate I am talking to much or they interrupt me or it feels like they are not listening to me.  It makes me feel like a bad little girl that no one cares about and I am just stupid and should disappear.  I have been known to hang up on people with a quick “goodbye” and click when one of those things happen.  Rude, but true.

Or I just disappear and leave wherever I am and don’t even say goodbye.  It’s quite the incident for me and not very mature.  It’s like an automatic reaction – I’m outa here.

By taking this on, I have been able to shorten the amount of time after being disappointed from days, weeks and years to about twenty minutes.  It’s really amazing.  I simply allow myself to really feel the disappointment, cry if I need to, tell someone if I need to, and it actually disappears within the half hour.

So now I am going to talk until I’m done, ignoring my thoughts that I am taking too much time and instead assume it is my human right to do so.

It’s an experiment and I don’t know if it will work, but I’m game.  All in the name of FREEDOM!!!!!  Let’s see if it work or if I will forget I even said it!!!!!

Have a great day!!!!






Sorting my mind

14 Jan

I haven’t written for a while.  I forgot about this blog, actually.  How weird is that?

And I forgot how helpful it is to me when my mind is messed up.  It helps me to sort it out and make an action plan.  And I am messed up now, so let’s see what I can do……

It’s 2018 and I have new goals and all that.  My kids are great (knock on wood although my son has the flu right now), but they are awesome.

I am finally back in my beach cottage.  The pipes were frozen and the refrigerator broke and except for the kitchen sink, all is back to working and it is inhabitable.  I forgot how much I love to sit here and write and look at the water.  It is calming for my soul.  I get to stop worrying about keeping everyone else happy and focus on myself.  It sounds selfish, but it is true.

I am not happy with my weight, but for the past few months I have focused on LOSING weight.  My acupuncturist told me in his chinese accent to “eat veggies so you lose weight.”  Since then what has happened?  I have gained.  I should know that that doesn’t work for me.  What works is focusing on what I am eating and doing what makes me feel better.

So, why did I make this mistake again? I was doing well until I changed my thinking and started invalidating my stomach and growing flab rolls instead of how great I feel when I eat better.  OK, learning that lesson again!!!!  Many many times but oh well.

Perky!!!  I’ve given up thinking I will be perky 100% of the time like my mother would like (at least I think that’s what she would like!!).  Sometimes I am not.  Sometimes I want to be alone and just be quiet and think.  Sometimes I am in a downright bad and horrible mood.  I have REALLY decided to accept myself as is.  (I’ve said I would quite a few times but never really did).

For the first time I am ACTUALLY going to accept myself.  Maybe THAT Is what can inspire people instead of making myself wrong for not being how I think my mother wants me to be.  How the f—k old am I anyway that I am still trying to please my mother?  Jeez Louise!!!!

SOMETHING BIG!!!  I am making myself wrong for not playing bigger.  So, I am writing which is what I love to do.  The truth is I don’t know how to do something big.  So I stop writing and just invalidate myself instead which sucks.

TIMEOUT:  There’s a bird on my deck and it’s 17 degrees outside.  Did he forget to go south?  What’s up with that?

OK – I’m back.  I have to get ready soon so more later.  I forgot how great it feels to write.  Glad I remembered.  I don’t know if this is useful for anyone else, but it is to me.  I can’t worry about others right now.

My new me – instead of trying to get things right and try to keep people happy and avoid getting criticized, I have taken on the following:

  • make messes
  • get people upset
  • get disappointed
  • make myself right

It’s much more freeing.  I just keep forgetting that I said I would do it.

So, therefore, I will take care of myself today.  I have so much more to write but need to get in the shower so I can get on my webinar.  I want to look “gorgeous” again.  (Someone told me I looked gorgeous yesterday (can you believe it?) on the webinar).  Whoopee!!!  That was really nice since I thought I looked like crap – I stared at my wrinkles all day.

OK – gotta go for real.









What am I holding onto?

6 Dec

I’ve been holding onto a piece of my past and wanting things to go back to the way they were.

One of our discussions in the Wisdom course was not being in an argument with reality.  I guess I have been.  I’ve wanted things to go back instead of accepting things as they are.

So, what am I holding onto?

It’s the feeling of unbelievable happiness that I had before.  I’ve been holding on to it as if I will never have it again.

And, to not be so obtuse, it involves a guy that I am no longer seeing.  And it’s been a while.  And I couldn’t figure out, after all this time, what is the damn problem?  And this is what I’ve come up with.

  1. I miss the happiness I had when we were together.  It was like a drug.  I was addicted to the feeling of happiness.  Anything other then that seems like, at some level, that life sucks a little.  It’s not that I’m not grateful for what I have, it’s that it just isn’t that happy happy amazing feeling I had before.
  2. AND, I’m afraid that I won’t ever have it again.  That I need to get the old thing back because it was my one shot at happiness.  So I need to hold onto the memory and try to get it re-enacted.
  3. I don’t know how to find it again – I’m just not meeting anyone new and if the truth be told, I don’t really want to put the effort in.  I just want to meet someone great and KAPOW, next relationship happens.   Kind of dumb/weird/stupid, but true.
  4. I’m just tired thinking about it.  All of it.  Tired of it.  Come to think of it, I am just tired.  Some nights I have trouble sleeping.  So when I get up I am already tired.

So, the job is to create a whole new reality where dating is fun and there’s lots of great guys out there and I have buckets of energy.  And, this last guy is totally forgotten, I have moved on, am very busy and have many great contenders for the recipient of my heart.

OK, sounds great.  Blah blah blah.   (Yawn) Time for my nap.

Nervous but doing it anyway

2 Dec

Today I am going to read through my almost final manuscript.  I have scheduled this weekend to do it.  I am so nervous but as soon as I’m done with this post I will force myself to start reading.

I finished my book 5 years ago and have been rewriting it ever since.   Yes, for FIVE YEARS!!!   Holy hell batman.  And it’s about my life….And I’m afraid to go back to that time and the emotions and sadness and everything, ……..but I’m going to anyway……………..

I’m sitting on my deck, the water is high tide and literally under me and the sound of the waves crashing is mesmerizing…..

before I start, one more thing……I hadn’t been able to get to this the last three weekends – last week was Thanksgiving, the week before was Wisdom, and the week before that I was visiting my kids at college.  So  no more excuses, …….here I go………….

And another thing……….500 of my closest friends are all on their way to a vacation together in Mexico or somewhere on the year end vacation course.  And I am in wintry Connecticut.  So I am pretending…..on the deck, outside, bundled up in sweat shirts and coats, …..I’m on the water too, it’s just really, really cold!!!

It’s really time to start reading………

Five hours later:

I am a quarter of the way through.  It’s not as bad as it seems.  Certain sections that are new still need work.  I’m not sure if I am repeating ideas but I need to keep moving.

I’ve moved inside and backed up to avoid seeing my neighbors humping themselves on the deck next door.  Can’t watch that.

My back hurts from the chair I’m in.  I am not following my Rolfer’s instructions.  “Sit bone down.  Neck high.  Feet out.”  OK, well, I keep forgetting my Rolfing homework so I’m not perfect.

But I need to keep going.   The people in Mexico have landed and are having a good time I’m sure.   And I want to be half way through by tonight so adios.


Finished the book.  Cried at certain points.  Some areas definitely need work.  I think I put the financial background in about 4 places since my writing class never understood why it was a problem.  Tomorrow I will clean all that up.  I am done.  YAY!!!!

Missing the year end.  Gotten texts saying to come but I can’t because of work.  That would be a no no.  In addition to being behind, I would be outrageously disobedient and many other terrible words.

I am in my cottage and enjoying my solitude.  Tomorrow is another day.  I miss my old fantasy but that’s ok.  Real life is worth living and I am promising myself that I will learn how.





The Keys to the Kingdom

13 Nov

I think I found “the Secret.”

To having an amazing life.

I really do.

Are you ready?

Here is what it is:

  • Be present in the moment (really be here right now)
  • Be authentic (what is true for you without filtering or worrying about the impact)
  • Listen to others powerfully (as if they are great)

I’ve tried it and it’s really powerful, great, exciting, etc.

And then in the next moment I forget.  I start worrying about whatever it is I just said or did.  And it’s gone.

But in the moment of being present, life is magical.

And, it disappears in an instant.  Identity and worry come slamming back.

So, it’s not easy to do this.  Our brains are not conditioned for it.  But it’s possible.

And, I am writing this instead of what I thought I would be doing.  I was going to be reading through my book so that I can send it to a proof reader.   And then get it published.  That is exciting.  And if I am present, I am excited.  But if I think about it, the excitement is replace with worry:

  • why do I think I can publish a book?
  • it probably sucks
  • people will get mad
  • I’ll spend alot of money and not make any
  • I don’t know what I’m doing
  • I should be writing book 2 already
  • Why am I wasting time writing a blog
  • etc.

But if I’m just in the moment, I can just schedule a time to read through my book.  No big deal.  And do what I need to do.

If I’m in my head, I might as well just go to sleep and forget all about it.  It is too stressful and exhausting in there.

So which looks more fun?   I know my answer.


Automatic Toilet Flushers

3 Nov

I’ve wanted to write about these for a long time.  And, I only usually think about it when I am using a toilet that has fun.

So, I’m finally remembering to do this since I’m in the airport, just had the pleasure of the flusher, and have some time before my flight.  Here goes………..

Who invented these?  What was the purpose?

I’m thinking because some people forget to flush………..

Well, how many people actually forget to flush?

What happens if the power is out?  Does flushing still occur?

How did whoever sold these things can so much buy in?  How did so many places convert?  What was wrong with having to press a lever?

These are questions I wonder.  But my main “beef” is the timing of the flush.  Sometimes it flushes when you are still sitting on the toilet.  And that is really disgusting.  I don’t know why it happens, but for obvious reasons, it makes me hate the person who invented the damn thing.

I guess it’s like a bide only in the toilet’s case the water is not clean.  And, I reiterate, it’s really, really gross when it happens.

Maybe the inventor assumed that people did their business and then always got up right away before the flushing would happen.  But sometimes that’s not the case for me.    Either I’m distracted by my phone and forget where I am, or things just take a little longer sometimes.

So who’s idea was it to have it flush while the person is still sitting?  It’s really, really, really  gross.  And, I’ve not really ever mentioned it to people because I usually forget my annoyance as soon as I exit the ladies room.


OK, I feel better now.

Thank you for listening.


Reflections from my conversation yesterday

1 Nov

“Do you think your head is not aligned with your heart?” Kayla had asked during our conversation yesterday.

I thought about it.  “Hmmm.  Good question……..It’s definitely not.”  I told her about my last relationship.  I could see once I started talking, that my heart and head were definitely not in sync.  I had tried to pretend I was over him, but obviously I still had some work to do.

And even though he isn’t suitable for the long term and I am much better off without him, there was something about the way we were together that I really miss.  I liked thinking he had my back and I could talk to him when things were tough.  I loved thinking I had a go to person in my life and that I wasn’t on my own.  And, even though that part of the relationship ended a while ago, I still miss it.

Even though my head knows it’s for the best, my heart is still sad.  And I feel like I should be SO over this.  What is wrong with me I think that I can’t move on?  What a loser I am.

And so I make myself wrong for missing him, and that just jams down all these unexpressed feelings.  I end up feeling bad for feeling bad.  My favorite vicious cycle (kidding – it sucks).

So if I can just accept how I am feeling, I can have it be ok to be sad.

And today, I was a blob again.  But I accepted it.  I came home and took a nap.  I didn’t make it wrong.

Which is a miracle.  I don’t have to be happy and excited all the time, despite what some people say.  I’ve taken on accepting myself as I am.  If I miss that jerk, I miss that jerk.  I miss the way it was.  I miss having him.  I miss being excited to see him.  I miss knowing I was going to work out with him every day.  I miss the attraction.  I miss the laughter and having someone understand what I was saying.  I miss someone who validated my feelings and didn’t think I was crazy.  I miss someone who understood why I got upset about finances in my marriage.  And I miss his face.  I loved his face.  And, I loved the way he looked.  I miss that too.  I miss getting together with him later in the day even if it was just for an hour.  I miss being happy with him wherever we were.  I miss the way he looked at me.  I miss the way I felt when I was with him.

And, I’ve never admitted all that.  I thought I was wrong for missing him.

“Have a powerful relationship to what is so,”  someone I respected had said.  And, of course, I thought she was right and I made myself wrong.  I thought I should be over him by now.

So, today I am just sad.  It doesn’t matter why.  I just am.  And, for once, it’s ok.  I am not trying to make myself be happy.  I don’t have to for the first time in my life.  And, that makes me happy!!!!

And, if I’m honest, I’m afraid I will never have those same feelings for someone else.  I’m afraid that was my one chance and somehow I blew it.  Or that I’ll attract someone again who isn’t capable of talking to me when things get tough and one day it will be over and I won’t know why.

I guess I’m worrying about getting it right.  And I’m afraid to get it wrong.  But if I can just remember that there is no right and life is about playing the game and having fun, then maybe I can just relax.  Maybe I can just smile and listen and love people no matter how things end up.

And I can just be me.  Exactly how I am.  And stop worrying about whether it’s the way I’m supposed to be.  Cause that sucks the life out of me.  And it’s not fun.

And, tonight I am actually going out with a girl friend.  I haven’t done that in months and practically years.  So I will put a smile on my face if I want to, and just relax and talk to people.  Because I have no where to get to.  I can just be.

So, let’s get to the important question.  What will I wear?