Protected: What to do now?

21 Jul

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I’m Having the Best Time

18 Jul

I am in New York City.  I actually had two hours between appointments.  Usually, when I’m in the city, I am running from one thing to the next or dragging my bags to catch a train.  Today, I walked from 49th and 3rd to my next destination at 64th and Lex so I was close to where I had to get to.

I looked for a nice place to use my computer and (potentially) have  a drink.  Nothing looked appealing.  It was all groceries or dry cleaners or clothing stores.  The doorman at the building I was going to recommended two places.  I lugged my computer over,  but the tables were 2 inches from each other.  I couldn’t see it.

So I walked another 20 minutes.  My feet and legs were killing me and the sweat was dripping off me.  I went around to Park Avenue.  There was a restaurant/bar that looked closed.  I went in.  There was a man at the door.  He said it was open.  It was empty but roomy, cool and wonderful.

So I have been sitting here, two rose wines later.  I ate two bowls of beer nut/sesame sticks.  My favorite things in the world.  I have a really nice buzz on.  I used to do this when I was single.  Beer nuts and wine.  And, now I am single.  Again.  And, I indulged in the salty, spicy junk food.

And, I am on my way to a Wharton Singles Networking event.  And, I’m afraid they are all going to be 30 years younger than me.  And, I really did not want to come to this.  And, I hope I am not too trashed.  But I love the feeling.

And then, I found out my high school friends are going out at home.  And, the one cute single guy is amongt them.  Of course, he didn’t call me, he called my friend so I shouldn’t be excited.  But, I am anyway.  He has a really great butt.  Is that sexist?  Good.

Another of the guys at the gym who was flirting with me is married.  WTF?  Everyone who is nice to me there is fucking married.  Well, whatever.  I miss my guy but tough shit.  Move on.

And, I am having a great life. I really am.  I don’t know why, but I love my life.  I love my kids, my family, even my work people.  I love being in the city even though I am shlepping my computer, etc.  It is really cool.  I will have to come in more often.

And, I am sad about my mom.  Whenever my sister comes in and takes her to her doctor’s, I get afraid she is losing it.  But, the doctors keep saying she is fine.  So, good.  She is wonder woman.

And, I’m afraid for when I move out in September.  But, one day at a time.

Thanks for listening.  Almost time for the singles event.  ( I swore I would never go to one of these again.)   Hope I made some sense tonight.  Pressing SEND.

Adios.

Reunion is Over – Back to Real Life

17 Jul

We just had our 40th high school reunion.  Wow!!!

It was so much fun.  Of course there were a couple of unpleasant moments when I was stung by a mean comment or two, but otherwise, it was a blast.

My face hurts from smiling.  My voice is hoarse from yelling over the band.  My feet hurt from dancing.  And, my back hurts from the sunburn at the beach.  And, I’m exhausted.

And I hated for it to end.  It was so nice being surrounded by my high school friends and classmates.  I could be my ridiculous self and they laughed.  And, two of my friends share my crazy sense of humor and I forgot how much fun it was to be around them.  I keep guffawing out loud remembering some of our hysterical exchanges.   So much fun.

It did not seem like 40 years had passed.  Wow!!!  And I already miss everyone.  And I wish we could get together all the time, but then it would not be as much as a novelty.   So, the weekend was very special.  I loved laughing, dancing, being goofy, talking, flirting, pinching the guys on the butts (only the few that wouldn’t be offended), and just hanging out.

So much freaking fun…………………………have I said that already?

At one point I was complaining to my friend about how someone had told me I was being bitchy………I call it being real, but whatever……..and my friend said, “people love how you are!  You are refreshing and real.”

And after that, I felt free.  Free to be me instead of wondering what was wrong with me.  And that was a gift.

Another person told me that I was being a gift to my other brothers and sisters by living with my mom right now.  I had never considered it to be that.  I always felt like I was the selfish one and hated myself for getting annoyed with my mom.  So, now I have another interpretation for “living with my mom.”  I am helping my brothers and sisters so they don’t have to worry.  And that was another gift to me.

And, today, I bask in the memories of the weekend.  And, I am getting work done, but, I don’t want to lose the feeling of the love, camaraderie, fun, and laughter that I experienced.  It’s hard to put the feeling into words.

And, I also remember that about ten years ago I submitted a piece on my college reunion to the college paper.  It was one of the first times I had submitted a piece of writing and I was so excited at my bravery.  And then I got a lovely note back saying that unfortunately, many people submit pieces on reunions and so (my interpretation was) that it wasn’t very good and not special enough to print.

So, I didn’t write again.  I gave up for several years.

And then I got over it and wrote my book.  And, started this blog.  And, that’s why I love writing this blog.  I can write whatever I want.  No one is editting, judging or criticizing.  FREEDOM!!!!

So, here is my first published reunion piece.  Enjoy and here’s to the memories!!!

Wow – This Quote Hit Home with Me

13 Jul

“When you hold resentments toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”

– Catherine Ponder-

Ok, Ok, I’ll get off it with the person from work.  I already called her and everything was fine.  I didn’t bring up our fight and I will call her again later and not mention it.

Normally I would make it a big deal and keep asking if she was still mad.  If she resented me?  If she wants to talk about it?  It would keep the conversation alive.

And, also, if someone is in a bad mood, it’s not my job to get over it.  They’ll get over it when they do.  It’s actually not my fault or having anything to do with me.  And, my attempts to get them “over it” or talk it out are actually not helpful at all.  In fact, they are probably very annoying.

My biggest fear of being too annoying to be loved was actually being created by me.

I see the pull to still want to discuss the argument with my WF (Work Friend).  But I’m not going to.  Because that would just keep that unhappy conversation alive.  And what for?  So I can prove that I’m not a bad girl?  To prove that I am likable?

What will that accomplish?  It’s actually good that I said something in retrospect.  Because trying to be a “good” girl has allowed myself to be insulted, disrespected, treated like crap, and often disappointed.  I have not stood up for myself because I was afraid to get people mad.  And, as I have said, they get mad anyway.  So it’s a bad strategy.

And, the new me is a little uncomfortable.  But, I am forging the way to freedom and power and having “what I want when I want  it.”  It’s a lot better then “don’t get your hopes up, you will get disappointed.”

So, wish me luck.  Have a great day!!!

 

 

 

 

 

This Reminds Me………….

12 Jul

Whatever you think about all the time you will attract into your life. Not what you want – what you think about.

Bob Proctor – Speaker and Author

So what do you think about?

I know that for the last two weeks we do not have much business going in.  It’s the start of the quarter and I am afraid we are getting behind.  And the thought paralyzes me.

And then I realized that this is familiar every quarter.  At the end of the prior quarter we are so focused on hitting our numbers that we don’t line things up for the next one.  And, we start off behind.

Two things have been helping me:

  • Panic doesn’t help.  I actually do know what to do if I can allow myself to think clearly.  I need to focus on setting appointments because that’s the only way to succeed in our business.  Just because I don’t have as many set as I would like, it doesn’t mean I can’t just set them up now.  That’s the way to open new accounts and sell more in the old ones.
  • When the panic starts, I take a deep breath.  And, I remember that for the last 6 quarters I started out behind and then finished strong anyway.  This is just the way it always starts out.

So I needed to write this so I remember.  I gotta go.  I’m starting to panic!!  I better go set some appointments!!!

 

When I don’t know what to do

11 Jul

When I don’t know what to do, I tend to not do anything.  A great idea one minute can disappear very quickly and I don’t even know it’s gone.  And then some day way later I remember and wonder what the hell happened to it.

This happens with my book, with work, with even thinking about a relationship, or with anything else new..

So, what can I do about it?  What can I do so that the things I am passionate about but I’ve never done before do not disappear?

Suggestions I have received:

  • Explore the topic – make it fun and not significant
  • Ask for help
  • Chunk out managable tasks
  • Take an action without trying to get it right
  • Do something small
  • Figure out what I am willing to be “ordered” around
    • this needs a little explanation I think – I have been “ordered” around not getting criticized, being liked, and being “good”  – this gets me no where, I’ve decided.  I don’t get what I want and people get mad and upset anyway.  So, I have decided to be organized around something new – Today I am being organized around LOVE.
    • And, this is important for me today since my sister is in town.  I think she is mad at me and I am going to respond with love instead of what I really want to do which would be to completely tell her off.  Wish me luck with this.
    • And, there is someone at work who is acting the same as my sister.  I really want to let this person have it as well, but I am going to be organized around love instead.
    • Actually, that’s bull shit.  I’m not really being that good.  I am just ignoring this person for now.  So I can’t say I’m REALLY ACTUALLY doing the love thing.  But it sounds good, right?
    • And now that I’ve been truthful about my nastiness maybe I’ll have some freedom.  We will see.

OK, that’s enough.  I will explore this topic more at a later date.  Gotta go.  Have a great night!!!

Freeeeeee – dom

7 Jul

Freedom.  That’s what I’m looking for.

Freedom to communicate without worrying about people getting upset or mad.  Not that I want them to, but to not be constrained by the fear of it.

And, to learn to communicate in such a way that I don’t get people upset.

This week I attempted to communicate with my coworker and it did not work too well.  She got upset and then I was upset that she was upset and we were both upset for over 24 hours.  We finally talked and it seems to be behind us, but……..it wasn’t fun.

So, even though I was proud that I opened my mouth, I learned a lesson.  Not all communication is effective.  And, I have a lot to learn.

And, sometimes it seems my only choices are to shut up or sound like a raving bitch.  So I am looking for another option where I can speak without it sounding nasty.  Haven’t found it yet.

Also, some people will turn on me if they don’t give them their way and so that has kept me from speaking many times.  I have let their domination shut me down.  Some use guilt, insults, taking themselves away, or getting mad at me.  And, I have allowed it.  So I’m looking at that one too.

All in the name of freedom for me to be myself.  I have been a people pleasing, avoider of unpleasantness and I am done with that.  I am taking on being fully self-expressed no matter what.

Wish me luck.  I am a little “fwightened.”  (If I knew how to put an emoji here, I would.)