tiredoffeelingbad

“Do you think your head is not aligned with your heart?” Kayla had asked during our conversation yesterday.

I thought about it.  “Hmmm.  Good question……..It’s definitely not.”  I told her about my last relationship.  I could see once I started talking, that my heart and head were definitely not in sync.  I had tried to pretend I was over him, but obviously I still had some work to do.

And even though he isn’t suitable for the long term and I am much better off without him, there was something about the way we were together that I really miss.  I liked thinking he had my back and I could talk to him when things were tough.  I loved thinking I had a go to person in my life and that I wasn’t on my own.  And, even though that part of the relationship ended a while ago, I still miss it.

Even though my head knows it’s for the best, my heart is still sad.  And I feel like I should be SO over this.  What is wrong with me I think that I can’t move on?  What a loser I am.

And so I make myself wrong for missing him, and that just jams down all these unexpressed feelings.  I end up feeling bad for feeling bad.  My favorite vicious cycle (kidding – it sucks).

So if I can just accept how I am feeling, I can have it be ok to be sad.

And today, I was a blob again.  But I accepted it.  I came home and took a nap.  I didn’t make it wrong.

Which is a miracle.  I don’t have to be happy and excited all the time, despite what some people say.  I’ve taken on accepting myself as I am.  If I miss that jerk, I miss that jerk.  I miss the way it was.  I miss having him.  I miss being excited to see him.  I miss knowing I was going to work out with him every day.  I miss the attraction.  I miss the laughter and having someone understand what I was saying.  I miss someone who validated my feelings and didn’t think I was crazy.  I miss someone who understood why I got upset about finances in my marriage.  And I miss his face.  I loved his face.  And, I loved the way he looked.  I miss that too.  I miss getting together with him later in the day even if it was just for an hour.  I miss being happy with him wherever we were.  I miss the way he looked at me.  I miss the way I felt when I was with him.

And, I’ve never admitted all that.  I thought I was wrong for missing him.

“Have a powerful relationship to what is so,”  someone I respected had said.  And, of course, I thought she was right and I made myself wrong.  I thought I should be over him by now.

So, today I am just sad.  It doesn’t matter why.  I just am.  And, for once, it’s ok.  I am not trying to make myself be happy.  I don’t have to for the first time in my life.  And, that makes me happy!!!!

And, if I’m honest, I’m afraid I will never have those same feelings for someone else.  I’m afraid that was my one chance and somehow I blew it.  Or that I’ll attract someone again who isn’t capable of talking to me when things get tough and one day it will be over and I won’t know why.

I guess I’m worrying about getting it right.  And I’m afraid to get it wrong.  But if I can just remember that there is no right and life is about playing the game and having fun, then maybe I can just relax.  Maybe I can just smile and listen and love people no matter how things end up.

And I can just be me.  Exactly how I am.  And stop worrying about whether it’s the way I’m supposed to be.  Cause that sucks the life out of me.  And it’s not fun.

And, tonight I am actually going out with a girl friend.  I haven’t done that in months and practically years.  So I will put a smile on my face if I want to, and just relax and talk to people.  Because I have no where to get to.  I can just be.

So, let’s get to the important question.  What will I wear?

I have been in a funk since I got back from vacation.  And, no matter what mind tricks I played on myself, I couldn’t get rid of it.

Tonight, I had a call from Kayla, an old friend who is starting a practice where she works with people on many different levels to identify their vision and bring it to life.  (I am paraphrasing, not sure if that’s how she describes it.)

I had offered to have a session with her so that I could share her work with people.

When I got on the phone, I was listless and despondent and had no energy, describing how I was stuck and felt powerless since I’ve returned to work.

Through the course of the hour, Kayla listened and asked gentle questions.

“Where would you like to be next year, on Halloween of 2018?”

In a great relationship, successful in a business I love, sharing my life with my wonderful man, money is abundant, my book is published, and I am speaking around the world promoting my book and blog.

“What would you have to do to have that happen?”

Oh, I thought.  Shit.  I remembered just a few weeks ago in Canada that I gave up trying to get it right, trying to get loved, and being afraid.  I forgot all about that.  The burden, heaviness and frustration had come back since then in full force.

“I would have to give up my struggle.  Be present.  Spread joy.  Flirt.  Be of service,”  I finally said.

I felt lighter.  My shoulders lifted.  I could breathe again.  I felt the burden of the world slide off my head.

“Wow,”  I told Kayla.  “I feel free again.  And I knew all that already.  It had just disappeared.”

“How are you going to keep it in existence in your life?”

“Good question.  It already comes up on my phone every morning.  It just doesn’t do anything for me.”  I changed the words around on the morning message.  “OK that might work better.  I will continue to answer that question.”

We talked for a while and I thanked her.  Kayla really has a gift for listening and empowering.  I wish her the very best and will continue to learn how to live in the middle of love, health, happiness and full-self expression.  It’s a lot easier then trying to get it right so I could be loved.   I already am.  I just forgot.

Thank you Kayla for a priceless gift.

I’m back from vacation.  At my desk.  Behind in my numbers, but not giving up.

I’ve been calling and emailing all day.  NOTHING!!!

And I don’t have the luxury of going down the tubes.

But I want to. My team is decimated.  One agent disappeared to Mexico.  One agent is in bed with vertigo.  Two of them are out there working but not selling.

My veterans are great, but not fully engaged so are sporadic.

So that leaves me.  And I am sucking wind right now.  Well, I am selling a little, but not enough to even get close to the weekly quota.

The other night we had a work dinner that I almost missed.  It was my first week back after 2.5 weeks away.  Even though I have had 7 out of 7 successful quarters in the last two years and I am actually looking like a winner, because I’m behind this quarter, I feel like a loser.  And because I can’t see how to make FAME happen (that’s what they call hitting our numbers),  I feel all alone and that I can’t do it.

So at this dinner, they were picking two winners to win $250.  I asked God for a sign.  I was feeling like I just needed something so I wouldn’t give up.  And they called my name.  I won the $250.  I was excited.  I thanked God for the sign.  And I was happy.

But that was last Thursday.  Now it’s Monday.  The sign has completely worn off.  What I need is another sign.

So, I’m going to create my own sign.  I never could see how to accomplish FAME in any of the last 7 quarters.  I did it anyway.  I was behind most of the quarters and did it anyway.

All I have to do is make appointments.  I have been calling the same people and it’s time to find new ones.  I have a whole list of contacts.  I need to just keep calling.  I need more in the pipeline.

I will not give up.  I will ask God for BIG miracles.  I will keep going.

(Even though my brain is telling me it’s futile – I just had to add that – this pep talk is only half working, so let me vent in my parentheses – NOTHING IS WORKING – NO ONE IS RESPONDING – EVERYONE DESERTED ME – I’M ALL ALONE – NO ONE ELSE CARES – I COULD DIE AND NO ONE WOULD EVEN KNOW – I’M SUPPOSED TO BE DATING AND I DON’T EVEN LOOK AT MEN – I’M OVER MY WEIGHT WATCHERS POINTS FOR THE WEEK – LIFE SUCKS – MY COTTAGE IS PROBABLY FLOODED FROM THE RAIN – I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP – HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

OK – I feel better now.  (OR AT LEAST I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD.)

Back to the phones.  Thanks for listening.

I have had a whirlwind two weeks.  The first was in Canada at a vacation course called A Life that Sings.  We took areas of our lives that worked, and made them sing.  It was a great week.

Today I just got back from Hawaii, an AFLAC vacation that I qualified for.  It was beautiful and relaxing.

And now I am back on my deck, in my bathing suit, drinking a cup of coffee. Fighting the urge to “get back to work” or “worry about my numbers” or think that something is wrong.  And that I am wrong.  Intrinsically wrong.  Fundamentally wrong.  Because that’s my identify.  And, I have created a life where people treat me like I’m wrong and tell me what is wrong.  Because that was who I was.

Well, that’s what I learned today anyway.  After a fight with my mom as soon as I walked into her house.  I was picking up my car.  And it started.  And, with the help of my ex-husband who has seen this for years, he pointed out my identity.

Why do you think you have been struggling to get it right?  And I knew.  He was right.  I have been trying my whole life, exhausted and frustrated, to get IT Right.  And there is no IT.  And there is no right.  So it’s been an endless, tiring struggle with no end in sight.  Ever.

Because how I judged it was if I got criticized or made wrong.  Then I tried to figure out what I had done wrong.  And it never stopped.  And I couldn’t figure it out because it wasn’t real.

So, I sit here, up a couple of pounds, behind in my numbers at work, sore throat and tired and I am actually just enjoying BEING here.  The weight will come off, the numbers will be hit and I am present.  I close my eyes and feel the wind.  I may even take a nap and then go to the gym.

And I will make the calls I need to make.  And life is good.

I literally  forgot about this blog.  And, I don’t know why.  That’s why I haven’t written for a while……..

But after 3 people told me I should go to a therapist, I realized that I was much better off when I wrote about what was bothering me instead of talking to people who just didn’t get it.  So, here I am, needing to write.

I mean, WTF?

And, when they say it I go into my familiar pattern of brain neurons firing (we are in a seminar about the brain – very interesting).  My thought pattern when someone says I need a therapist is………….

• see, there is something wrong with me.  Everyone else sees it.  That’s why 3 random people have told me to go to therapy.  I shouldn’t be the way I am.  One was a physician.  So, he must be right.  I obviously have issues.  I better think about it.
• But then the other part of my brain says:  what do they know?  Who knows me better then me?  I do cry and get upset.  That’s my access to transforming whatever is bothering me.  And, normal people don’t understand this.  They think one should not be upset.  If you are, you need to “talk to someone.”
• Well, what they don’t know is that I have hundreds of people in my Landmark community that I could talk to.  And most of them would get it.  Not all, but alot.  Being upset is just me being a human being being human.  And it’s fine.  And I am fine.

So, to the doctor that diagnosed me as “having allergies, being stressed, and being depressed,”  made his diagnosis by reading my file.  My father died, I got divorced, my supposed love of my life lied about being married and stopped talking to me, I moved, my kids went off to college, my ex husband is now living with my mother while his house gets built, and work is stressful.

So, sometimes I cry and talk about what is going on and try to figure out how to deal with all of these new situations.  Does that mean I have to pay someone to listen to me be a confused victim?  I don’t think so.  I would rather talk to my friends for free and transform myself by saying what I need to say.

I hope that makes sense.

So, my diagnosis is that I have been through a lot and have come out stronger then I was before.  I still miss my dad and sometimes I cry.  I will hit my work numbers and it is stressful.  The situation with my ex is strange but somehow it is working for them so I am out of the loop.

I have a great life.  Have a great day.

I am working on my book again and trying to get it back to my editor.  I am working with my relationship coach and regular coach, working, getting to the beach for an hour a day when I can,….

• living with my mom for another 8 days
• trying to get used to a new computer
• reading my new destiny for my relationships
• trying to hit my numbers at work
• still going to weight watchers and keep the momentum down the numbers
• hanging with my kids for their last week
• participating in multiple Landmark programs
• And keep my sanity

So, this is just a little update.  Big weekends coming up.

• course this weekend
• then a barmitzah
• have to move when I come back

In October I have:

• a week in Canada
• 4 days in Hawaii
• a wedding

So, more soon……………………this is my new computer.  Whoopee!!!

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” — Louise Erdrich
To love ❤️

I think I let myself be broken……I was walking around sad and not alive around the people I love…….

I feel hope again.  My son finished his project.  I have a partner to have a breakthrough in my relationships.  I’m communicating authentically instead of being suppressed.  My work people are coming into their own.     I love my workouts alone.  I have great friends.  I love my communities. 

Time to find an apple tree……..

Ok folks.  This morning I was in a terrible state.  I have been hung up on a guy that has been feeding me crumbs.  Wonderful crumbs, but crumbs.

I would be lifted up into the sky in a euphoria haze after he told me how me he loved me and then come crashing down two days later when he either disappeared (again) or didn’t deliver on what he said.

I was really upset this morning about another disappearance after possibly the best crumbs ever and so I vented in an email to my coach.  I realized that this is my pattern.  I feel  stupid for caring and being upset.  It’s my fault for caring.  After going on and on about how dumb I was, I came to a conclusion.  It’s ok to care AND I want more.

This afternoon I had scheduled a free 45 minute conversation with a woman I had talked to before.  She had been referred to me because she had written a book.  She wrote the book called “Lovable.”  She is an “International Dating & Love Life Coach”.  Coincidence?  I don’t think so.

I told her what was happening with this guy.  “Cut him off,” she said.  “He is a narcissist.”

Wow, I thought.  So was my ex husband and most of the guys I dated.  Guess it’s who I’m attracting.

She asked me what the gremlins were saying in my head.

“I’ll never find someone I really like.  Only the married and disgusting guys pursue me.  I won’t find someone available who is a good match.”

She taught me to change my mindset.  What I am now going to tell myself 8000 times a day is:  “I am attracting extraordinary, single  men who are looking for a romantic partnership.”

Over and over again.  Tell myself that.  It will change my brain pattern.  She also told me that I sound masculine on the phone.  Well, ok.  I need to work on my feminine energy.  What is that I am still wondering.

I guess I have something to learn about.

And she told me the conversations I could have.  Play with men with my feminine energy.  I wanted to cry.  I don’t want to do that.  This male energy protects me.  I can act like I don’t care.

But, I am willing to do the work since having a great relationship is my dream.  And, at my age, I am no closer to it then when I was two.

I know if I don’t do something I will keep attracting the narcissists who I don’t speak up to.  And keep getting crumbs.   I have no clue what I am doing and I am tired of being upset over this.  I am tired of narcissists who make me feel bad for being disappointed when they don’t keep their promises.  Then I feel like I’m high maintenance.  WTF?

I asked her what her program was.   And I hired her.

CRUMBS NO MORE!!! Will be my new motto.

I will be blogging my progress.  Keep tuned.  And, this will remind me to do my homework.

“I am attracting extraordinary single, attractive men who are also looking for a romantic partnership.”

Why not?

I joined two transformational calls today.

What I am realizing is that it is very difficult for people to embrace their humanity.  Being upset or not being in action or not wanting to do anything is really difficult for us to accept.  But if we do, we can be free of it.

What I learned is that when we can admit our humanity, it opens something up for others to be human as well.

We can be lazy sometimes.

We can be upset.

We can get mad.

We don’t have to be perfect.

Other people can get upset too.  No one will die over that.

So, it is all very interesting…….I think.  We don’t have to solve world hunger in order to have a great life.  And, if that calls to someone, have at it.  But I can have a great life right now.  It’s not a function of doing.

Possibility will disappear.  Our act will kill it off.  And that’s ok.  We don’t have to be a certain way.

Standing for something is not being attached.  Standing for a possibility is powerful.

I can stand for the possibility of having a great relationship.  That doesn’t mean I need to have one.  It means I am standing for a possibility of it.

OK, I have to go to an appointment.

NOTE:  If this sounds like jargon, it is.  So if you have a question, please ask.

I came home tonight and I was  frustrated and in a really bad mood.  And, I hadn’t been before I got home.  Let’s see what happened……………

I was talking to a friend and she asked me about my son’s project.  She started giving me advice.  I didn’t want to hear it.

Then my son, instead of doing his project, decided to take a nap.  That meant it was my job to wake him up and force him to do his project.

FUCK THIS.  I thought. I am done. He is on his own.  I don’t care if he misses his vacation because he hasn’t finished.  I DON’T CARE!!!  IT’S NOT MY JOB!!!

Then my mom called and was also giving me advice about my son.  I didn’t want to hear it.

Then I got a text from my daughter saying that an old friend thought I should be with her at her Forum evening session.

I give up, I thought.  I can’t take it.

What can’t I take?  I wondered.  My day was fine before.

Well, I guess I have involved too many people in my son’s incomplete.  They are just trying to help.

And, I don’t have to fucking justify not going with Haley tonight to anyone.  Fuck them.  I know I need to get some sleep tonight since I couldn’t sleep the last two nights.   And, I was with her on Sunday.  Fuck her.

So why am I so mad?  Because once again, I think they know better.  Once again, I am trying to keep people happy and BE GOOD and it doesn’t work.

Now, the other question that is bothering me…….who do I take on the trip I won to Hawaii?  I have to decide in 6 days.  I really want a guy that I can have amazing passionate sex with.  But, can I find one in 6 days?  Someone who will still be around and not psycho by October?  Someone I will still want to come with me by then?

I guess I can expect a miracle.  Or, I can take one of my kids, my mom, my sister, or a friend.  So, it’s not the end of the world.  Maybe I can just have sex this side of the Pacific and not have the anxiety of the months ahead.  Or not.  Or go alone.

So, something to think about……………

So the lesson here is…………….I don’t have to please anyone.  I can speak up.  I don’t have to keep people from getting upset.  I don’t have to make them happy.

I can just live my life.  They can live theirs.

And then there’s the why do I think I need a guy question.  I guess I would love to have a passionate committed partnership with someone that I am attracted to , have fun with, love to be around, and who thinks I am the greatest woman he ever met.  Why not?

But in the meantime, I can be happy, fun, and lovable.  And, if I’m in a bad mood, it’s ok.  Who cares?  There are no rules that I have to be happy all the time.  Right?

So there……………………

Good night!