After the last post I was not really feeling great about myself.  I knew I had run away instead of letting Haley and this other girl know how I felt.  So,…….

I texted the girl and told her.  I said I ran away instead of talking about what was going on.  Her tone and the way she dismissed me made me feel irrelevant, unwanted, and unimportant.  Growing up I would have just run up to my room and started reading, instead of staying with my family at the dinner table..  I told her I was getting into communication instead of must making her wrong.  It only took me 23 hours.  And, that’s better then 20 years, so I’d say I’m getting faster at this.

Then I went to talk to my daughter.  I told her I had been already upset about the above mentioned person when we were having our horrible discussion in the car.  I was making myself wrong already, so when she told me my complaining was annoying and that I had a choice not to be annoyed, it hit a nerve.  And, since I am trying to just be ok anyway I am, and wanted her to be ok with me being upset, I went crazy.

Haley told me she was trying to be nice and supportive and that I jumped all over her ass.  Then she couldn’t say anything because I was screaming.  She was very upset.

And that was true.  I lost my shit.  When she called me annoying it triggered my “I shouldn’t be the way I am” conversation and I went crazy.

So I apologized and told her I had been triggered and I was sorry.  She was understandably upset that I had turned on her but I hadn’t liked what she was saying.

We made up and had a good hug and the whole thing disappeared.  Just like that.  And, to think I was never going to talk to her again.  Funny, right?

So what did I learn?  To get under the anger and communicate the feelings.  Usually sadness, disappointment or hurt.  By attacking instead, they are left wondering what the fuck is wrong with me that I flew off the handle.  It’s not what they did, but what I made it mean or what it triggered in me.

So I have to keep practicing this.  It’s not easy, but I can get better and quicker at this.  And look at what Theodore Roosevelt said…….

It is impossible to win the great prizes in life without running risks.

Theodore Roosevelt – 1858-1919, 26th U.S. President

So even though communicating is a risk and why should I have to and why can’t they……….it’s worth doing it to be able to return to affinity and love.  And that takes a bit of getting off it, I’d say.  But when I did it, life felt a whole lot better.

Happy 4th of July!!!!

I promised, Joyce, our Wisdom course leader that I would let people see me “emoting,” and not run away.

Well, twice in the last two days I have run away.  And, I am in my “Fine, fuck you” mode instead of trying to do anything about it.

My daughter called me annoying today.  She just couldn’t deal with my complaining.

WTF.  I listen to her complain all the time.  So I told her she was a bitch.

And the girl last night was a bitch.

And now I don’t want to play.  Fuck them.  And, I don’t want to get off it.  I can stay mad as long as I want.  I’m tired of being the good one.  Cause it doesn’t work anyway.  My whole fucking life has been to try to keep people happy.  Try not to get yelled at.  Try not to get criticized.

And it doesn’t fucking work because first of all I don’t get what I want because I don’t ask because I’m trying not to be high maintenance.  That sucks.  And, people criticize me and get upset and mad anyway.  So what am I doing this for?  My strategy doesn’t work AND I end up suffering because I don’t get what I want.

And, staying at my mothers makes the game even harder.  Because she likes to point out what is wrong.  If you clean up the kitchen but there’s one thing out, you get called out on it.  If my clothes are drying in the laundry room they are taking up too much space.

And, I just want to cry with the frustration of it all.  So this is good.  Underneath my anger is a sad little girl who just wanted to make people happy in order to be loved.  Because she wasn’t ok the way she was.  So she had to try to be a different way.  AND, it’s not working.

So I might as well be myself.  And if people call me annoying or tell me my clothes are in the way, so the fuck what?  Let them say whatever they want.

And if my ex is always over?  So the fuck what.  That’s his problem, not mine.

And if I’m living with my mother temporarily?  Yes, it’s weird, but I can make the best of it.

And, as far as a relationship?  It’s actually pretty nice not having one to complain about.  And if I find someone nice that I want to hang out with, then that will be fine.   But in the meantime, I don’t need to suffer.  It doesn’t mean anything that I’m alone right now.  Nothing.

And, if someone wants to talk to someone and doesn’t want me to talk, good.  You handle it.  I’ll do something else.  BFD.

So am I completely off it with my daughter?  No.  I’m not.  I don’t even want to look at her.  But it’s because I’m hurt.  When everyone was mad at her, I was on her side.  I stuck up for her.  And I’m pissed that I don’t get the same respect back.  And I haven’t forgiven her yet.  And I know I’m supposed to be the grown up, but I don’t feel like it.  I want to go have a 3 year old tantrum about it.

So maybe I’ll give it up in the next few minutes and communicate.  And maybe I won’t.  Either way it’s ok.

So I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I gotta go.  I’m going to press the button even though I probably shouldn’t.  Adios.

If you can dream it, then you can achieve it. You will get all you want in life if you help enough other people get what they want.

Zig Ziglar – 1926-2012, Speaker and Author

I’m trying to rewrite the first two chapters of my book based on comments from my editor.  I am really stuck.  I am trying to really get what the point of each chapter is and then fill in appropriate background from my life that will offer an explanation for why I acted the wasy I did.  .

And, I am resisting because I’m trying to get it right.  I want to get it done and move on.  I have no tolerance for having to redo it over and over again or to get back feedback from her.   But, my goal for the weekend is to do it anyway, so I will fight the inertia and do something, even if it needs more work.

And, I am also struggling with my relationship dream.  I think I have more work to do in really imagining HAVING what I want.

In the past, what’s gotten in my way is:

Wanting to please, not wanting the person to get mad, not wanting the person to change their mind about me, and holding onto people who are focused more on themselves then on the relationship have kept me from going after what I want.

There was some hold over me to not want to lose these people even though I wasn’t getting what i wanted and was constantly disappointed.  It felt like I was holding on for dear life, afraid to let go or stand on my own.  Similarly to how it felt about money.  Like I would die if we kept going into debt when I was married.  Like my ex was killing me.

So there is something unsafe about being alone AND about having no money.  I wonder where it comes from.  I still get into a panic thinking about how I am alone now.  And, I’m really not.  I have plenty of people around me who love me.  I know that.  So, I don’t know where that comes from, but I will work on disappearing it with my coach.  And, even though I am using him for business and my purpose and passion, the main reason I hired him was because I am not where I want to be in relationships.  And, I get embarrassed even talking about my fears and where I am stuck.  But, he is a safe place and he just says thank you and is there anything else.  So why would I be  afraid?

I think it goes back to “doing it right, having him like me, not wanting to be high maintenance or people will leave me (in the driveway).  It’s a circle of being trapped – not asking for what I want because they will leave so I don’t get what I want and I suffer.

Well, it’s time to break this, get free and have my dreams.   Now that I’ve seen the trap I will practice asking for what I want.  AND, if someone doesn’t treat me the way I want, I will say something.

I have picked men in the past who made me feel like I was wrong if I said I didn’t like the way they treated me.  They would use it against me to make me feel like I shouldn’t be upset.  And I believed them, never thinking my upset was justified.  I just thought I was asking for too much.  Well, I am done with that.  AND, I’m terrified to speak up, but just like my two chapters, I am going to practice, and maybe get it wrong, but at least I’ll  be in action.  WISH ME LUCK!!! HAPPY ALMOST 4th!!!

This morning I did not get up to go work out.  I hadn’t missed a day for months.  I decided my body need a rest.  I stayed in bed which was not normal.  I reset my alarm for 7:30.

I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep around 6:45 AM.  But I didn’t want to get out of bed.  I didn’t want to deal.

That was interesting.  Usually I am up and out of the house by 4:30 on the early days and don’t have to run into anyone.

Who am I avoiding?  Well, back when I was married it was my husband.  Now that I’m staying with my mom, it’s her.

I don’t need to avoid my kids.  Interesting.  I like them.

So what is it? It’s the questions.  I feel like the questions are really judgements or convictions.

“Why are you going so early?” my ex used to ask at 4:30 AM.

At that time of morning I didn’t feel like talking and I certainly didn’t want to have to explain why I was going at that time.  Especially since I went at that time every day.  So I would growl instead of answer.

“What time did you go this morning?  Did you see lover boy?”  my mother will ask..

Again, why do I have to explain myself?  I am 58 years old.  And, lover boy is just someone I work out with on some days.  He used to be more and now he wasn’t.  And, her question was a sore spot for me and it seemed that she enjoyed sticking a knife in it which gets me mad and annoyed and right.

“Where hope grows, miracles blossom.”

-Elna Rae-

And, now it’s later in the day.  It’s been many hours and many conversations.  I decided to stop being a clearing for a fight.  My mom loves me.  That’s how she shows it.  My daughter and I have been fighting with her because we thinks she’s “evil.”  But, it’s really because we think she doesn’t love us as we are.  And, she does.  It’s just the way she gets.

And, I’m on a call about play.  And so, I am going to team with daughter and play.  And bring back love to the household that we are fortunate enough to have a home for free with my mom.  And to have her still with us at 87.

And, it’s tough to not have our own home with our own space and stuff.  But, we are tough chicks and we can DO THIS!!!

Thanks for listening.  I don’t know how well I’ve edited this, but I am pressing Publish.  Good night.

I’m thinking about a few different things I could do tonight.  Some sound more fun then others.

But all I want to do is sleep.  And that concerns me.

But if I really think about it, I got up at 4:15 AM that last two mornings to work out.  And, the night before last I couldn’t sleep at all.  So, maybe it’s ok that I’m tired.  I should be.

And, I’m stressed out about work.  And, my living situation is strange.

I think I’m also trying to please everyone.  I said yes to a phone campaign that I have yet to do anything on.  I was feeling bad about it so today I revoked my promise.  One thing off my plate.

And, I could go into New York with my son tonight for his graduation from a program he did.  But that’s about 7 hours worth of travel and sitting.  I can’t see it.  I love him, but I can’t see it.

And, my friend wanted to go to a concert but that got moved to tomorrow.  So, I’m off the hook for that one.

What I would really like to do is go to the beach and just chill alone.  And, I do have my bathing suit in my car.  Or, I could go to the pool and actually have a swim and read a book.  Just play hooky and not tell anyone where I am.  It’s strange living with my mother and feeling like I have to explain things.  If I’m working, I feel legit.  If I’m relaxing, I feel like I have to hide.  Why is that?

I think that trying to keep people happy or un-mad at me is stressing me out and exhausting me along with lack of sleep.   I am working hard to hit my numbers, getting up early to work out, taking on extra accountabilities in my programs, and trying to see my kids,  and dealing with the chaos of living with my mom for the summer.

I guess I could give myself a break.  That actually makes me want to cry.  What would that be like?  To just stop and smell the roses and relax.  Wow!!!  What a freaking concept!!

I might just try it.  Just let myself off the hook for everything.  Wish me luck.

OK, wrapping up at the client.

Final calculation:  If all of the business goes through today, we have gone from needing $12,872 this morning to $5166 more to go for the week.  Keep your fingers crossed.  We’ve halved it today.  YAY!!!

This is the last week of the quarter and in sales, that is the week to hit your numbers.  So, we are running as fast as we can.  We have around $12,000 more to go.

Unlike last quarter, I am trying to remain calm and contact everyone I know who was thinking about buying AFLAC.

Some people get back to you, some don’t.

I know we will hit our goal, but the not knowing how or when is unsettling.

Just like in relationships.  I want to hold onto something and there is nothing to hold onto.  And I want to give up.  But, I just saw this quote.

“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.
Live the life you have imagined.”

– Henry David Thoreau-

Having a passionate, loving relationship is my dream.  And, just like with my numbers, I can’t see how it can happen.  And, I want to give up, make myself wrong for thinking I can have/do it, and just give up and hide somewhere.

At work there is a deadline so I can’t afford to tank.

But in relationships, there is no deadline.  I have to trust the universe.  And instead I am fearful.  But you can’t have Fear and Faith at the same time.  So, who’s been winning?  Fear of course.

And as I sit at this client and no one is coming to see us, my fear is growing.  How to choose FAITH?  Good question.

• Breathe
• Visualize the desired outcome
• Pray
• And keep making phone calls

OK, gotta go make some phone calls and stay in action.  I can’t keep rewriting this blog.  I am going to hit SEND.

How dare you settle for less when the world has made it so easy for you to be remarkable?

Seth Godin – Speaker and Author

I love these daily quotes from Bob Proctor’s insight of the day.  They remind me to get off it about myself and be AMAZING.  And, sometimes what I need to do is communicate and trust that whatever is going on can be worked out in dialogue.

Yesterday I was accused of having a big mouth by my workout buddy.

“I can’t tell you anything because it would be “all over town,” he said, gritting his teeth.

I seethed all yesterday.  After being in a terrible mood all day, I finally told my mom about it last night.  Her response as always, was to  “consider the source.  Why would you let your body get all unhealthy over anybody?  When I’m upset, I ask myself why am I letting somebody make me feel this way.  GET OUT OF MY BODY, I say.  And it leaves.  And I never think about it again.”

As great as that is for her, I was still upset.  And, I know that when I am hurt I get obnoxious and sarcastic.  So, today,  rather than get insulting, I told him that his comment really made me mad.

“You do have a big mouth.  Aren’t you writing a book? Why would you tell people about that?”  he said with the same about of vehemence as yesterday.

“For your information,” I said. “I am proud that I finished my book.  Most people just talk about it.  I did it.  And, my book is not about you.  You are not that important to me anymore.  Don’t flatter yourself.   The world is not always talking about you.”

It got a little ugly for a while.

“I won’t go to the beach anymore,” he said out of the blue.

“Why?”

“I just don’t.”

“Well, I do.  I loved our time at the beach.  But I get sad passing by places we used to go.  You think that’s why you avoid it?”

“Yes, I don’t like to think about it.”

We agreed that we  used to have a great time.  “We were tight,” he said.

It had been almost a year since he slammed the door on our relationship.  I needed to know something.

“How could you have been so devoted to me one minute and then completely shut me out the next?   How could it change overnight?” I blurted out.

“I don’t know.”  he said, keeping his head down while he stretched.

“Well, I think it was the day after my birthday.  I had gone to the gym in the morning and came to visit you.  But I was hot and sweaty and wanted to go home, shower and change and then come back.  You wanted me to come back much later then I wanted, right before you left.  That was the day everything changed.  I never knew why.”

“Things were getting difficult.  I couldn’t see you at work anymore and I was tired of going to Dunkin Donuts.  I just had so much going on.”

“I would have done anything for you.  You could have told me what was going on,”  I said.

“Would you have accepted it?”  he asked.

“I wouldn’t have liked it, but it would have been a hell of a lot better then what you did.  I just don’t understand how you could go from loving me and caring about me one day and the next, I was the ass hole that ruined your life and you didn’t give a shit about me.”  My voice broke and the tears started.

“Oh no.  Don’t cry.  And you don’t know how much I care.  I still do.  You’ll never know how much,”  he said.

“Well, you have a lousy way of showing it,” I said.  “I just want to get over thinking I need you to change your mind about me.  I don’t know why I think that.”

He was now doing his stretching exercises by the wall.  I thought about it.

“I think it’s because if you don’t change your mind, then I am just stupid.  Stupid for having given my heart to you, trusted you, and loved you.”

“Maybe I will change my mind one day.  When you are married to some rich guy and summering on Block Island.”

What, he’s going to just drop by, I thought.  I’d probably go off with him.  Stop it, that’s not helping…..I ignored his comment and continued………”But, you know what, I wasn’t stupid.  I don’t regret any of it.  It was the happiest time of my life.   And I wouldn’t change any of it.”

“Yes, it was great.  I guess I block it out because it would hurt to think about it.”

“Me too.  I pass by where we used to hang out and I just get sad.   You were my best friend.  I would have done anything for you.  And what hurt so much is that you did the one thing I asked you not to do……Stop talking to me.  You shut me out and it was horrible.  You would race away in your car and I would scream at you in the parking lot giving you the finger.  It was terrible.”

“Hmmmm,”  he said.  “Well, that’s what I do.  It’s my mojo.  When I’m upset I isolate.  It’s what I’ve always done.  It’s not personal.  I guess the two things were a bad combination.  You needing to talk and me going into my shell.”

“Yes.  The worst.”

“Well, I’m sorry.  I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for what I did.”

We talked for a while.  It felt really good to get it out.  And, it wasn’t me. That’s just what he does.

And, as much as I think I should be over him and not even working out with him, I know I need to get complete with him to move on.  And I love that we are still friends.  I just have to resist holding on to his comment about how he might change his mind.  I won’t even think about it.

Because I want a relationship with someone who shares my passion, and, can communicate instead of running away.  Who accepts me as I am and doesn’t want to change me to fit his small picture of life.  Someone committed to growth and development.  With manners.  Who’s up to something.  Who adores and cherishes me.  And wants to travel and have a great life.

And as much as I think my friends would say, “why are you even still talking about him, I know that this completion is my ticket to freedom.  Of being a clearing to have a great man in my life, for real.  And I’m getting closer every day. So I am proud of the work I did today.

And as the quote says, “why settle for less when it’s so easy to be remarkable?”

I am going for the life of my dreams.

OK – so I am stressed and frustrated and nothing is helping me to unwind.  So I am going to try to blog.

My goal is to accept my feelings and not think I shouldn’t have them so I am going to do a dump of everything that’s bothering me (even if it’s dumb and I don’t think I should be feeling bad because of it).

• I go to weight watchers.  I had hit my maintenance range 5 years ago.  This year, I have continued to gain slowly and I am up 10 pounds from 5 years ago.  I am REALLY frustrated about it.  It seems like whatever I do, I keep steadily going up.  Each week when I see the gain, I freak out.   The ladies today were really nice and giving me suggestions instead of yelling at me and trying to make me happy, they were very sympathetic which was nice.
• I moved back in with my mother.  My kids are there.  I’m trying to be positive about it, but it’s stressful.  She’s on my kids backs and I feel like I’m in the middle.  I WANT TO SCREAM!!!!
• I have to hit my numbers for work by a week from Friday.  It’s stressful.  I WANT TO CRY!!!! And, I have to keep moving on.
• My ex is always visiting us at my mom’s.  She kisses his ass and I get mad and then I LOOK LIKE THE BITCH!!!
• I’m hot.
• At my physical I was asking my physician about certain things and her answer was that’s what happens as we age.  NOT A GOOD ANSWER!!!!
• I’m on these stupid dating sites and it’s a freaking waste.
• I’m afraid to eat anything.  So, it makes me want an ice cream cone because it doesn’t f——g matter anyway, I’m gaining no matter what.  (And that’s going to help how?)
• I’m tired.
• It seems like alot of people are having strokes.  WTF?
• Sometimes I get really sad when I think of my dad.  I can hear his voice saying, “get over it already” and I think I should.
• I hate the fact that I have to tuck my stomach roll into my underwear.  I didn’t used to have one.

So, to add fuel to this I think it’s a stupid blog.  But, since I think it already published itself, I will update it.  If it makes no sense I am sorry.

Do I feel any relief?  I think there’s probably more. I don’t know why I’m so tired.  Maybe I’m just tired.  I’ve been working out harder then normal and it could be that i just need a rest.

Who knows?  One day at a time.  I have to get to a client.  i guess I could get off it.  Maybe I will.  But not right now.  I’ll give myself 15 minutes.  Ok?  Deal.

Trust yourself. You know more than you think you do.

Benjamin Spock – 1903-1998, Pediatrician and Author

It’s the shoulds of the world that get me and most of the people I know.

“I’m upset, but I’m trying to get off it,”  one friend said.

My pet peeve was activated.  “Why?”  I asked her.  “Why not just let yourself be upset?”

“Because I want to be my wonderful, caring self..”

“You can still be wonderful and caring and be upset.  Why do you think you can’t?”

And she didn’t know.  And I let her vent about how upset she was about not knowing enough about her air conditioner to know whether she needs to put in a new one or repair the old.  That day she had spent hours driving and meeting with someone who did not have the information she needed.  She was trying not to be annoyed.

“BE MAD,”  I said.  “Why not?”

Another friend told me her husband told her to “get over” stuff when she was upset.  “Why let it eat at you?” he says.

And then there’s my daughter.  She’s frought with self-torture about what she should be doing or not doing.  And why go to college when it all seems like a waste anyway.

What’s the commonality you ask?  Well, I think it’s about trusting yourself.  I have been trying to just be how I’m at.  Especially with being upset.  To learn to trust my own emotions and instincts.   I think I decided at a young age that couldn’t trust myself.  I made up that I did stupid things.  So if someone told me something different then I thought, I figured they knew better then I did.

So if someone told me that what I was wearing wasn’t a good idea, I believed them.

If someone said I shouldn’t eat something, i listened to them.

If someone told me how to act on a date, I thought they were right.

And, if you add in trying to please everyone and keep them happy, it was a very difficult life i was leading.

For example, the other night, on my birthday, I couldn’t tell my friends what our dinner plans were but I didn’t know them since my daughter hadn’t told me what they were.  She was MIA from 5 to 6 PM.   So for an hour, I got more and more frustrated and unhappy.  By the time she got there, I was in a really bad mood instead of enjoying my birthday.

When I looked at it later in a calmer frame of mind, I was upset because I couldn’t  keep everyone happy.  I was telling a friend how stupid I was for doing this.

He said, “don’t call yourself stupid.  We are all learning every day.”

“Wow, thanks.  That’s a new way of looking at it.  Let’s give up that I do stupid things, for starters.”

So I am trying to trust myself and take care of me.  Other people can take care of their own selves.  Their happiness is not my responsibility.  And if I’m upset, I don’t need to get over it.  I can look and see why.  And see what’s not working.

A wise friend of mine told me that feelings were a good indicator for life.  They were pointing out something that needed attention.  They are a good thing.

So, my lesson for today is Trust Yourself.  I will try to heed my own advice.  When my ex comes around and I get annoyed, instead of just keeping my mouth shut and getting madder and madder, I will say something.  I don’t know what yet because right now it would come out as a mad woman’s crazy tirade, but there has to be something that is more gentle and gets my feelings across without leaving scars.

I will ponder on it.  And, hope that you too will trust yourself.  Learn from your mistakes, but know that you did what was right for you in that moment.  Whatever it was.

Happy Friday!!!!!