tiredoffeelingbad

5-24-12

I have so much to say and I should be getting to work, but I am just going to let my fingers do the talking and not worry about what comes out.

I went back to the gym this morning because I didn’t want to stay home.  (I had been at 5:15 AM and then, took Sybil to the bus and went back.  I had tried to talk to Jack about something and we ended up fighting and I just didn’t want to deal with him.

Plus, after yesterday’s “dumb move”, Patty was doing a number on my head.  I tried to “get quiet” my first gym session and listen to Patty talk to my sub-conscious.  “You do dumb things, you are a jerk, no wonder people pick on you, you set yourself up,” and the finale, “no one could ever REALLY love you.” 

It just makes me sad.  Why on earth would I be telling myself that at any level?  For what purpose?  Why would Patty do that?  I realized I needed to figure it out so I went back to the gym for some peace and quiet.  I had already been, AND, I promised my mother that I would take it easy since I had my “procedure” yesterday, so I sort of did.  She didn’t want me to go at all this morning, but I couldn’t promise that.

AND, FB wasn’t there during the early session, so I sort of went back to see if he would be there later.  First I didn’t see him, which was fine.  I saw Al, I’ll call him, and he said, aren’t you here late?  Yes, I said, I was also here before.  I didn’t want to go home and fight, so I came back for some peace. 

“Oh”, he said, “this has been going on for a while.  We have to do something about this.”  Well, I thought, why did I just do that?  I am Happy Heloise here.  Oh well. 

I went and did some weights.  I talked to Brad, I will call him.  Still going out with the girl?  Nope.  She wanted a commitment and I didn’t want her moving in.  She was going through a divorce.  I was straight with her, but she couldn’t deal with it. 

I thought, she probably needed a place to live.  Go from the husband to a new guy’s place.  Simple and easy.  Replace one with another.  I have definately thought about that.  No wonder she was looking sad and ignoring me when I saw her.  I can relate to that.  If you move from one guy to another, you never have to deal with yourself.  It is much easier that way.  I have been thinking about that myself.  Neediness.  It isn’t a good feeling, but it is less painful than dealing with your own stuff.

Next, I was minding my own business when another friend drops by next to where I was stretching.  (This was who I was looking for, but didn’t think he was there.).  First he told me I looked good in my shirt.  I was wearing a short sleeved shirt instead of my usual tank tops.  Note taken.

Then, when he dropped by, he started telling me about how he was a junky.  He was four years straight, but had been totally addicted to prescription drugs and was a mess for four years.  He goes to AA meetings at least 3 or 4 times a week, and struggles on a daily basis.  He said he doesn’t tell people this, so to keep it quiet, so I am a little worried about typing this, but since I am anonymous and so is he, I am doing it anyway.

He was really sharing his story and his struggles, and how, when it got tough, he called his sponsor for help.  Some people don’t call them, but he just dials the number instead of fighting temptation.  I got teary eyed and he said, don’t be sad. 

I said, I’m not sad, but I think it is great that there is someone like that to call.  Someone who is there for you no matter what.  Someone who understands.  Someone who’s been there.  “You are not alone.”

That’s why the program works, he said.  Because you are not alone.  Other things don’t work, but this does.

He continued talking and thanked me for listening.  It made my day for many reasons:

– that he trusted me to talk to

– that he shared himself with me

– that I could make a difference for him just by listening

– that there is an organization like that where people have a “sponsor” who is totally there for them

I am feeling very emotional about this.  When I went to the therapist, I think I was looking for someone to validate me and empower me to become the “great” me.  She was talking to the “pathetic” me and keeping that one in place. 

What if we could have a place or group or structure where people were validated, empowered, supported and lifted up instead of drugged and talked to like they are a “problem”?  I don’t know what that would be, but I am excited about the possibility of it?  “You are not alone” just gets me emotional and full of hope.  The idea hasn’t jelled, but I have always wanted to do something for women. 

[Had to take a break – fighting with Jack on the phone – I screamed at him and told him that I am not going to say anything because whenever I do, he starts talking to me like he is great and I am an ass hole.  I told him I can’t take it anymore and I am just not going to say anything AT ALL because it is not worth it.  He then said that it seems I am always blaming him for everything and I SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS – “I am not even talking about you.  I am talking about me.”

Do you know what it is like to always be talked to like you are some kind of a wrong ass hole?  Probably, if you are married, but I am just tired of it.]

So where was I?  Then my boss called and I didn’t tell him I was writing instead of working – oh well.   Yes, some kind of group, but when my friend, FB, I call him thanked me for listening, I said, you know how you said you were a good listener, well I am one too.  I am empathetic and I cry with people and I don’t judge.  And he looked at me and said, “because you have heart.”

Yes, I do.  I am not the ass hole that my husband and daughter think of me as.  I am just TIRED OF FEELING BAD about myself.  I am a good person and a fun person and a smart person and a nice person.  I am just sad that I have felt so bad for so long and have let them take me down.  REALLY FAR DOWN.  I need to be around people who lift me, not drag me.  It is just not healthy in any way shape or form.

So, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, sounds really good.  You can get your faults, but BE YOUR FAULTS.  You can be your great self because I think we really do have it in us.

I feel bonded to FB.  He listens, he doesn’t condemn, and I feel like we are on a similar wave length.  Plus, I am attracted to his nice, hot body.  Does it mean anything?  No.  I am married and miserable, but no one is going to save me.  I have to save myself and I will.  I feel hopeful with every little conversation and blog.

So, once again, Thanks for listening.  I am sorry I am not editting these lately, but I don’t have time.  I have to go get ready to speak to a group in an hour and I am totally not prepared.  Asta La Vista, whatever that means.

5-23-12

I have to go get Sybil, but something is really bothering me.  I did a dumb thing and it is kicking me in the ass.  Pathetic Patty is all over me and so I have to get this out.

I was in the area where my old friend works.  We used to have a little thing going on.  I had a new recruit and I said let’s go see him where he works.  So we went in and he ended up going prospecting with us.  Well, he starts in on why am I wearing open toed shoes, why is my car a mess, basically ignored me and talked to my recruit, AND, was on the phone texting and saying to someone, “Can I call you back a little later? in a very tender tone.

Now, the guy is obviously an ass hole.  I was making comments about how I had a doctors appointment and I was nervous and had to drink a lot of water, and no, “gee I hope you’re ok.”  No, nothing about me.  All him and he acted all fucking haughty and arrogant. 

My recruit was also picking on my driving.  I said, “what did I do to deserve these insults?”  Well, she said it’s because she likes us.  Actually, she said she was disappointed that we had him along because she was excited to just go with me so that could explain her.

As far as the guy goes, he just went away with his wife, so if he is talking to the “lovely lady” from the gym.  She deserves him.  He just went away.  AND, he could have been talking to his daughter.

I don’t know why any of this makes me feel bad about myself, but it does.  I am beating myself up with – why did you go there?  why doesn’t he like you?( and I really don’t think I care – I have a new crush), but that goes into new boy doesn’t like you either.  You are an old, ugly and fat loser.  You will be alone because you are a slob and messy and bitchy, etc.

SO, I will tell Patty to shut the hell up.  I can be sad if I want.  I did enjoy being the one that got talked to tenderly and I did like the exciting texts as well, BUT, I didn’t like the anxiety that went with it. 

One sided crushes are easier because you aren’t waiting for them. 

Then Jack said he couldn’t help me because he had to help someone with businsess, and so now I think he is fooling around and want to check up on him.  I doubt it, but it would add to my sob story – actually, it would be a relief.  I could get rid of him on some level.

I just read a book called The Song Remains the Same where the girl had to find herself after a plane crash and she loses her memory.  Kind of interesting, but melancholy.  I am glad I finished.

Well, I really have to go.  Thanks for listening.  I needed to get this out.  Who can I tell that I actually went to his business?  I feel like such a dumb ass, but at first it was cool and exciting, and then as he stayed on the phone acted so fucking superior, it made me not like him and think I made a dumb ass move.

Oh well, as I told the recruit, that was weird but we learned from it.

Gotta still go and now I will be late.

5-22-12 Part B

Later – I am at the library charging my cell phone and waiting to pick up Sybil from her cheerleading tryouts.  I kind of blew it.  I gave her a 2009 medical form and she couldn’t participate for the first half hour.  She was almost in tears, but wasn’t.  She could have been watching and learning, but I think she was too upset.  This is her dream and she has waited her whole life for today and I blew it.

The good news is that I had the updated form with me.  I picked it up today because I had an extra few minutes.  Thankfully she only missed a half hour instead of the whole thing.  Let’s hope it blows over by the time I pick her up in 20 minutes.

I am feeling better after my last blog.  It’s amazing how it helps.  I was thinking about what I am committed to in my life.  When I was messed up 20 years ago, I was a confused victim as well and struggling in my relationships.  I was in a bad one – he was married, he lied about it, but I couldn’t let him go.  I did the Landmark Forum and it got me very clear on what I was committed to so that the issue of whether or not to stay with him was resolved very clearly.  I was committed to having a fulfilling relationship with some one available.  I don’t think I could say marriage yet.

So, what am I committed to now?  I am committed to my children and to empowering them to have great lives.  As far as I am concerned, I would like to have an extraordinary life, but am I committed to it?  Honestly, I just feel tired.  It could be from waking up at 4:30 AM to work out, but I don’t know what it would take.  I am honestly not loving AFLAC even though it supposedly has potential to make a lot of money.  It just doesn’t excite me that much.  It is kind of exhausting.

So, am I committed to do something else?  Not sure I have it in me, honestly.  I am writing this blog and I am loving this because I get to express myself.  I enjoy making people smile and laugh, being creative in terms of making up things, writing poems to acknowledge people, coaching people to achieve beyond what they normally would, working out, music, reading.

What else could I do?  I don’t know right now.  I would like to have passion in my life for something.  What makes me happy is to think that I have it with someone.  That someone truly loves and desires me.  Not in reality, but in my mind.  Reality kind of sucks right now, but I see that I can be happy with just the fantasy.  Today I talked to FB and even though in reality I don’t think he has any interest, it was enough to fuel the fantasy that he truly loves me.  Sounds like a romance novel and maybe I would actually like to be living in one.  I guess that’s why I read.  I can live in their lives for a little while.

The good news is that I have fantasized about 3 guys.  So, I can move on to the next, relatively easily.  Not without some pain of loss (for the fantasy), but it is possible to move on.  I would not have thought that based on the intensity of my first one.  I REALLY thought that we were “meant to be” and that his dead father was communicating with me.  Yes, it sounds crazy, BUT, at the time I was that far gone.  It amazes me today to think about how obsessed I was.  It was only at the gym that I saw him, never talked on the phone or saw him outside, and nothing ever happened between us, BUT IN MIND I was out of control.  REALLY out of control.

The fact that I moved on when I thought he was interested in someone else, is truly a miracle to me.  This new crush is nothing like that one, thank God. 

As I have said, these crushes/fantasies help me to live a happier life without thinking about the bills that I can’t pay, the lack of relationship with my husband, the frustrations of dealing with a 13 year old girl, and the lack of fulfillment at work.

This blog is exciting to me and I don’t know why.  I guess because it is sort of public even though no one has found it.  It’s like living on the edge in some way because anyone would no my real thoughts.  Scary, but exciting.

Gotta go get Sybil.  I hope she forget my faux pas. 

Thanks for listening.  What should I name this? 

5-22-12

I actually felt better after writing yesterday’s blog.  I didn’t bring it up with Jack and I just let it go.  I am sort of worried that no one will ever read this, and if they do, that they will think that it sucks, but I am letting the worries go.  It helps me, so that is value to me. 

Obviously, I get frustrated, angry, annoyed, sad, mad, ambivalent,……. and writing this journal/blog helps me vent and move on.  If it helps me, I just have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.  That is my hang up in life.  Worrying!!  Especially about what people think or if they are upset with me.  Takes a lot of time up in my head.  So, I will hope that this blog will help at least one person, then I am happy.  AND, if that person is me, so be it.

Moving on, now that we are over that obsession.  Today I had a great time at the gym.  One of my new friends was telling me that he is eligible to receive 75% of his salary since he has worked for 30 years.  I thought about it for a while and came up with a very creative new career for him.  I will give you a hint, well,maybe I won’t, it would give away who this guy is.  Let’s just say he was going to provide a service for women that would fulfill a fantasy for them.  It was a lot of fun.

I am adding to my happy list – I love to use my imagination and create.  In this case it was a new career.  It was fun. 

Here I am at a client and this man is talking to me and I am not really listening.  He is a part time worker and says he makes very little money.  I am telling him that if I don’t sell anything, I make $0.  That is less than a low rate. 

Help me, God, I don’t know what he is talking about.  It’s a good thing he can’t see what I am writing.  He would be insulted.   I am standing here wasting my time and starting to get frustrated.   He is trying to get me to talk to people, but they are all set.  OK, just talked to one guy who is suffering from something awful for the past two years and he is surprised he is still here.  OK, whatever.

When I have emotions, I have them, and then they are gone.  If I feel frustrated, it is a physical sensation which is uncomfortable.  If I am angry, it is physical.  Then it passes.  My life is fine.  I just feel things.  It doesn’t mean I need medication or that something is wrong.  I am just human. 

Well,  I don’t know if I had a constant thought in this blog but I don’t know how to save and redo so I will publish for now.  Time to get the hell out of here.  What a waste of time.  Adios.

Thanks for listening.

5-21-12

Mad again.  When I try to express myself to Jack, it ends up getting worse.  He doesn’t listen and ends up arguing with me.  I guess I have to say, ” I am just venting” so he could possibly just listen.   Instead, he dismisses what I say like I am just some crazy bitch who is not worth listening to.  It really pisses me off and then I get madder and madder and either I just stop talking and hate him or I start yelling back.

When I yell I yell very loudly and angrily which he really doesn’t like and then he really acts like I have lost my mind.  The whole thing just makes me see red.  AND, the more he acts like I am to be dismissed and crazy, the more crazy I feel.  It is a vicious cycle. 

I was trying to text him to let him know that I feel dismissed and not listened to and he texted back “Just now in the same sentence, u said i did not listen this morning as I remained silent so u could say all.  At the same time, now u scream I am not listening when I respond to what you are saying.   I don’t see that it matters whether or not I say anything in the conversation, I don’t listen anyway, right?”

So I told him he was just an argument.  Then, when there was no response, I said to him, “Rather than picking apart my words, you might listen to them.  I listen to you.”

This is the part of the relationship that I should just shut up and ignore him, but it makes me so mad that I want to keep attacking.  I think I will just give up, but I hate to do that.  BUT, it is just going to get uglier.  Do you want to hear my original text?   I don’t think so.  You will probably gang up on me like the ass hole.

OK, here it is anyway:  “You don’t let me speak and you don’t listen and you don’t hear me and either argue or dismiss what I say and I hate it and it makes me not like you at all.  I don’t deserve to be treated this way.  Think about it.  Your listening of me is not supportive or empowering at all and I hate it.”

So, he responds by picking apart my words.  CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING IN FRUSTRATION?

I think I give up – truly.  Give me a drink.  Am I PMS or do I have a point?  Is the menopause back or is this guy an ass hole of extreme proportions? 

OK – thank you – I am trusting my instincts.  The way it started was that my lovely son stays up every Sunday night until 11 or 12 or 1 AM doing his homework.  Why, you ask?  Because he doesn’t start it until 9 or 10 PM on Sunday.  I ask him all weekend if he has homework and he says not much.  Then, when I get up at 12:30 AM not by choice, I notice that his light is still on.  It is very disturbing and I am frustrated that he then starts another week being tired and unprepared.

When I tried to discuss this with Jack, he said, well, he was having trouble writing his paper.  So, I said, have trouble earlier in the day when we can help him.  He basically ignored me and said he had to go. 

It digressed from there.  So, my attempt at communicating so I don’t just “make him wrong” and  hate him made things worse.  I feel like it is hopeless.  If I try to speak, we get into a fight.  If I keep quiet, I just hate him.  Either way it sucks. 

He is on the phone right now and I am just listening.  Nothing to say.  He doesn’t even know.  He can talk forever, but if I try to talk, he interrupts.  I am not really paying attention because it doesn’t matter.

He was apologizing that he isn’t home and I said I am not home either.  It just seems like we are on different wave lengths.  I will just give it up for today.  I am tired and don’t give a crap right now.  I think Patty is all over me telling me it is my fault and I don’t have the energy to argue.

Tomorrow is another day.  I am busy tomorrow and will go to the gym and exercise my frustrations out.  Not to mention have a drink tonight.  I don’t want to argue so I will just stay suppressed and not say anything.

Jack thinks he is so nice and good and that I am just difficult.  It is really annoying.  REALLY ANNOYING!!!! 

If I can’t find someone who thinks I am nice, then I am better off alone.  (If I’m having a tantrum, that’s ok – I should really edit this post, but I am too tired.  Oh well.  Sorry about that.

Thanks for bearing with me.

5-21-22

I have been trying to get my 5-18-12 post to have a title and can’t figure out what I am doing wrong.  Very frustrating.  I can see it, but it doesn’t appear when published.  OK, I give up for now.

I am in the office and should get out to go help Jack with an enrollment, BUT,  I feel the need to add a post.  I often think of things to write, but since I am not near a computer at the time, or people are around so I can’t write freely, these things don’t get written.  By the time I am near a computer, I have thought of 12 other things to write about.  I guess I just have to assume that when I am supposed to write about will get written, and not worry about the rest.  Otherwise I will spend more time worrying than writing.

Things change on a daily or hourly basis.  Last week I was leaving the marriage (at least in my mind), .  This weekend I was DEFINATELY staying.  Now, since I hate Jack again, I am leaving again, but, let’s backtrack for a second.  I was staying this weekend  for the following reasons:

– I like being around the kids full time – I don’t want to miss these last few years of them being at home. 

– I like having someone around to help with driving, garbage, emptying the dishwasher, and assorted other house tasks

– The only financially available plan for moving out would be to sell the house, and the house is one of the things that makes me happy.  Not the house per se, but the view from the house and the deck.   We have unobstructed views of the water and it makes me happy to sit on my deck and feel the feeling of all that beauty and space.  I don’t want to lose that.

So, for now, it makes sense to stay physically at the house.  I don’t like my marriage in terms of there really isn’t one.  He puts me down, doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t support me with the kids, and doesn’t seem to think highly of me when we speak.   Plus, given his financial philosphy and spending, it’s not likely I will ever get to take a vacation, be able to retire, or go to a store feeling like there is actually money in the bank.

Once I can support myself financially, I think I will have more options.  Part of the problem is that we are in business together, and I rely on him to do his piece of the business.  This causes a dependency that would make it hard to break away.

When I think of my future with Jack and the lack of passion, love, sex, money, and basically anything to look forward to, I sometimes fantasize about a different kind of future (of course with the crush of the month). 

Last night, in order to go to sleep, I created a fantasy with my current crush – He said:  ” I love everything about you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I will wait and we will make this happen.”  (Of course, last night in the fantasy he named all sorts of wonderful things about me that he loves, but I will spare you the details – I don’t want to make you puke and more than you already are).  I relaxed and went right to sleep.  I guess fantasies are a sleep aid!!!

Why do I have to fantasize?  Because otherwise, I will have to think about my REAL LIFE and the lack of future – financial stress, lack of love, sex, companionship, fun……..to name a few.  Since I am a worrier, this really creates a stressful situation where my body hurts and the only way to escape is to get sick.  Fantasies are much healthier I think, but that’s just me talking………..

What happened to Abundance, Ease and Joy in my real life?  Oh, I forgot.  Maybe I need to add another word so I don’t NEED to fantasize……..What a concept?   How about love and passion and empowerment and fun and having something good to look forward to?

Good idea.  I will work on it.   I better get to work.  This has been helpful so thanks for listening.

5-19-12

At the library in between dropping off and picking up Sybil.  Is it mean that I call my darling daughter that?  I guess she is a chip off the old block.  Also a Gemini, so we are SUPPOSED to have at least twins inside of us.  I just had a manicure and an extra 10 minute massage.  Absolutely heavenly.  I am adding massages to my list of “what makes me happy”.

So far we have:

– working out

– reading

– listening to music I like either because I know the words and can sing to it, or it has a good beat to work out to, or I just like it

– massages –  a little bit of heaven on earth

– making people smile and laugh

I’m sure there’s more,  but……..not what I want to talk about. 

I am actually feeling good.   I don’t know if the menopausal hormones have taken a break, but I have felt good for the last two or three days.  I don’t remember feeling this good for a while.  I am enjoying it and trying to remember what it feels like in case the hormones return. 

I am not obsessing about my gym boys.  I like them and we are friends, but I am not thinking that the latest and greatest one is going to save me (FB).  Probably because we had a chat on Thursday, the day after the therapist freed me.  I was telling him about what happened and we got into this long conversation.  I realized that when he is doing his workout he is too focussed to talk.  He is downright curt and doesn’t have the time.  So, I had to wait for him to finish. 

We discussed relationships.  He had had a seven year relationship with a foreign woman that was hard to get out of, but when he finally left, he felt free.  I think he was also doing drugs at the time from what he said.  He is definately a bad boy.  I told him that I didn’t even like Jack anymore and he came up with a financial strategy for leaving.  Sell the house, split the equity, and buy a two bedroom condo where the kids could visit.  Sounded plausible.

Then, however, was when his intentions became clear.  Somehow we talked about having “rocking” sex.  Just for sex sake.  I told him that I learned from the last time that I get emotional afterwards, so just as the guy is kind of finished with me, I get attached.  I can’t wait to see him again and he could care less.  It is not a good feeling.   It’s just what happens.  He said, “well, at least you’re honest.”

So I’m thinking that even though we discussed this great motorcycle trip to California, he obviously has no emotional attachment to me which completely shattered my fantasy of true loves driving out West.  Which, for some reason, did not leave me heartbroken at all.  The fantasy of him helped me get over my last ass hole’s new girlfriend that I have to see him with every day at the gym, and so that was useful.  I don’t know if I would like FB anyway.  He is kind of a dick, if the truth be told.  He definately has a nice butt, though, but where does that REALLY get you?      Probably not a good fit.  Bad boys are fun temporarily.  I will have to think about it. 

Oh, right, I am married.  I always forget.  Well, in name anyway.  We haven’t been getting along and have no physical relationship at all.  So, my fantasies have helped me escape my real life.    Instead of dealing with the lack of money or sex or companionship or hope for the future, I simply obsess about my latest crush.  It works for right now.

Since this is kind of pathetic on some level, I am coming up with a new game plan for a new paradigm of living:   ABUNDANCE, EASE AND JOY.  All I have to do is think about these words, and my body relaxes.   The old paradigm was STRESS, STRUGGLE, and DOOM.  There was no escape and I was often tired and gloomy and my body hurt.  

STEP 1:  I made an appointment with yet another financial planner.  Jack actually likes this one which is a miracle.    Jack was a real ass hole during the meeting – he was saying how I always talk as if we are broke.  NEWS FLASH – WE ARE, DICK WEED.  We have about $6000 worth of bills this month to pay and no moo-lah to pay them with.  Am I just supposed to sit here grinning like an idiot while he goes and spends more money that we don’t have?  Just give me a lebotomy, please, if that’s the case.

I told him the next day that he was a REAL ASS HOLE in the meeting, and he said, “I was?  Gee, I guess I don’t even know I am doing it?  What did I do?”  he asks with this innocent little look.  I felt like smashing his dumb little head.    Does ignorance excuse him from talking about me like I am a crazy, deranged loon?  Shitty behavior is shitty behavior.  That’s one of my lessons from the dearly departed doctor.   I am no longer going to sit there and take it thank you very much.  Powerful Priscilla (forgot what I called myself) is here to stay.  No messing with me anymore.  I feels a lot better than just sitting there and being victimized!!!!!!

So, last night, I uswed my new improved approach to his assoholicness.  When he said something rude, I gave him the finger.  The next time I said, “speak for yourself, ass hole.”  When I mentioned it later he said he liked that I was sticking up for myself.  Fuck me man.  This therapist really helped me, I guess – before I would just seethe silently and hate him and cry the next day at the gym over my miserable life.  This is a little invigorating.   I am woman hear me ROAR!!!

The only problem was we had a guest over at the time who was kind of caught in the middle of it.  He looked a little uncomfortable.  Oh well, the casualties of war.  I guess I will apologize for making him feel uncomfortable.

But, on the whether to leave the marriage torture question, the feeling of having to leave is gone now that I know that FB was only into casual sex.   I don’t need to hurry up and leave so that he doesn’t find someone else.  I was panicking that he would give up on me.

Well, there’s nothing to give up except a fling, I guess.  No true love there except in my mind. 

As for the casual sex, I don’t really think that it would work for me.  I mean, the beginning is awesome – they are SO nice when they are pursuing you.  The last guy made me feel like I was the sexiest, hottest chick on the planet. 

After being rejected by my husband for so many years, it was a wonderful, intoxicating feeling to have.  I was dumbfounded but thrilled.  Somebody actually lusts for this 52 year old body?  Wowowowowowow!!!!  Who wouldn’t have loved that after being ignored and not touched for so long?  I wasn’t going to do anything, but thought, I may never have sex again for the rest of my life?  How could I let this chance go?  Who else would have the nerve to approach a married woman?  So, the seed was planted so to speak.

The part that wasn’t fun was when all of a sudden the pursuit was gone and I was put on the back burner and practically forgotten about.  What happened?  Got what he wanted, I guess.  This was my one and only excursion, so to speak.  I certainly learned my lesson.  I mean, parts of it were fun.  It was so exhilarating that it was like a drug.  I couldn’t get enough, but it was because I FELT SO GOOD in terms of being desired and wanted. Feeling like a hot sexy chick was awesome.  BUT, in retrospect, I didn’t feel that way all the time.  The anxiety of not knowing when we could get together or whether I would hear from him was not fun at all. 

I would go from feeling like a “hot sexy chick” to “old, fat and ugly” in a matter of minutes or hours.  One text and I was hot and sexy.  No text and Pathetic Patty was going to town telling me how unlovable I am and how I probably blew it and I was no good.  So I vacillated from extreme highs to extreme lows and it wasn’t REALLY a good time overall in retrospect.  At the time, I was living for the texts and stolen moments because they made me feel alive, and I hadn’t felt alive in a long time. 

That’s how the fantasies make me feel as well.  Like I am truly loved and desired.  Since they are only in my mind, I can write them with very happy endings.  When reality enters in though, I get upset.  But, who needs reality when you can write your own fantasies?.  One day I will write it out.  I would probably be embarassing, but who cares?  It’s like a romance novel – no reality need apply itself.

5-17-12

True confessions of a closet blogger.  I actually just wrote a post on my “closet blog” because I didn’t want anyone to read it.  So much for truth, but it was the real me.

I think it’s time to introduce you to some of my other personalities.  I first discovered these “people” when I was joking around with my friends.  I did describe the discovery in my blogger.com blog, so I will keep this brief.

I always knew there were two sides of me: one was Happy Hilda who was the life of the party, fun, always up, full of possibility for the future and I would call her “Being on the Right Side”.  Then there was the “OTHER SIDE”.  She was negative, no energy, full of doom and gloom, nothing was going well, no hope, no light, no possibility for anything other than misery,

I tried to right about these two sides, but, again, it lies in one of my computers.  I thought it might be helpful to others.  When my friends realized we had these people inside us that basically beat ourselves up, we named them:  We had Stupid Stu who didn’t go to the doctors for 10 years and ended up with breast cancer so she was beating herself up.  We had Missy the Mistake who was the 5th girl in her family and her father always wanted a boy so that explains her.  And then there was me – Pathetic Patty.  Everything I do is wrong – everything.  I just can’t get it right.  Who could love this girl when I can’t stand her?

We had a good time naming these other people, but since then, I have discovered in myself – Bad Betty, Evil Evilyn, Passive Aggressive Pauline, and today’s special Mean/Mad Martha.  Well, I thought it was Bad Betty who wrote that other blog, but I think she teamed up with Mean/Mad Martha who I will call Triple M.

The reason Triple M and BB wrote the blog was because I just came out of a visit with my therapist.  I have seen her three times in an attempt to get out of my funk.  To figure out what exactly is wrong with me – Patty wanted to know. 

Today she suggested I go on medication.  Then she told him I had to get happy.  Then she objected to a word I used which, while I don’t blame her for asking me not to use the word (retard), I didn’t like the way she said it.

I silently decided to quit and not come back.  BUT, being the grown up that I have become, I actually told her that I didn’t like what she said.  AND, that I was going to cancel.

It was big of me to tell her because my mojo is to just run when it doesn’t feel safe.  Now, I am trying not to swear, but I will make an exception since I will put it in quotes.  I want to scream “DON’T FUCKING TELL ME TO BE HAPPY, BITCH!!!”   No one tells ME how to be.  FUCK YOU!!!!

She told me it’s time to stop running away from my critical parents.   I said (while crying) that it doesn’t feel safe anymore and I feel like I have to be (fucking) happy now to be there or she will want to medicate me.  She said it is safe.  When she asked if I would return, I said yes, but Bad Betty is telling me no f———–g way.

We will see.  If I have to go pay her and pretend to be happy, what is the point?  I told her I only tell her about the times where I need to work through something.  I am not always that way.  I guess, in all fairness, the 3 hours she has spent with me I have cried so much that I used up her tissues.

But, isn’t that why I am paying her?  So I can be myself without judgement?   I will have to think about this.

The reason why I went was to get out of this fog.  Not so I can go pretend to be happy.  I just have to sit with this one.  I don’t need another person telling me how to be.  I have enough that do it for free.

To fill you in, some people have a critical parent.  I had three growing up and now I have 5.  My mother, my father and my older sister were there to tell me what was wrong with me growing up.  Since marriage, I now have my husband and my thirteen year old daughter, who I have named Sybil for purposes of my blogs for obvious reasons.

This is what I need to work on.  Feeling confident in myself and my own decisions.  Not letting others send me to the other side and bringing out Patty who always agrees with every bad thing anyone says.  I need to have Confident Cathy be born.

Well, more later.  Sybil needs a ride from the bus stop.  She has a widdle cold and doesn’t feel good so I will be nice for once.  People Pleasing Pamela to the rescue.

Thanks for listening.  I don’t know what I figured out, but I feel better.

5-15-12

I am excited about having my own domain name.  I am excited about this new blog.  My cousin finally got into my old blog after I created this new one, but that’s good, because if anyone wants to go back, they can.  Blogger.com and same name as this one.

I will use some of my old blog if I need to.  I feel like I am getting to start all over again which is good.  Again, the rules will apply to all posts, so if you didn’t read them, there is a warning attached to this blog.  RULE #1:  READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.  If you know me, I will probably talk about you and it will probably NOT BE GOOD. 

Not because you are bad, but because this blog ends up being a journal and the reason I usually write in my journal is that I am upset.  I am usually upset by what people say to me.   I usually write so I can work it out in my mind and move on.  That is my technique.  It might not be interesting to you, but if not, Rule number 2 applies.  DON’T JUDGE!!!  I judge myself very well thank you very much and don’t need your help.

Also, some things I decided in my first blog. 

1.  I change names to protect the innocent/guilty.

2.  I tell the truth.

3.  I have multiple personalities that I name.  You will get to know them. 

4.  I have people that I obsess/fantasize about even though I am married.  They help me cope.

5.  I have FEELINGS.  They are ok.  They come and they go.  They aren’t WHO I AM.  They can come and go very fast.

6.  I have done and will do things that I am not necessarily anxious for people to know.  BUT, in the interest of my quest to “Not Feel Bad,” I am going to share them.  I am not using my real name because of this.  I don’t condone my behavior, but I understand why I have done certain things.  I will not apologize for what I have done unless it has hurt somebody other than myself.

7. I feel guilty for talking badly about the people I know, but…..again, in the interest of having a great life rather than a “suck life”, I am willing to share myself freely.  I am fearful of people learning who I am, but since I have told some friends about my new “domain” name, that is a possibility.  I am most concerned about my family, and to them, I apologize in advance.  You are my living laboratory.

8.  My dream and hope is that this will be helpful to others who may be stuck.  My dream is to Inspire People to Live the Lives They’ve Always Dreamed Of nand yet, I have not been living my Dream Life at all.  Shame on me.  This is a quest to have that life that I spoke about before I got married.  I hope this can help someone else to get free.

9.  I will write as if you are my friends.  I thank you in advance for listening.  That is the greatest gift you can give someone.  I am excited about this journey.  You have given me hope for the future and I thank you and thank God. 

10.  I am obsessed with my daily work outs.  I have been going at 5:00 AM for a while for reasons that will become obvious in future posts. 

11.  I have developed a habit of spending at least one minute trying to quiet my “very, very busy mind.”  I try to  get present with my body sensations and any emotions that I am not letting come to the surface.

 Today I spent my “minute of quiet”  thinking about my life and realized, once again, that no one is coming to save me.  I felt despair and hopelessness and envisioned myself as a powerless two dimensional figure made out of paper.  I looked like a gumby figure made out of paper.  I couldn’t even stand on my own.  I felt powerless and helpless.

That is when I asked God for help.  I realized that I can’t get past this despair and struggling existence without God’s help.  It is not that I am a religious being, it is just that I felt so overwhelmingly helpless.  It was a terrible feeling, but  the control freak in me finally decided to let go of control and ask God for help.

In some weird way,   I feel that this new blog is God’s way of helping me to fulfill my purpose.   I have been writing various books and journals for years, but never did anything with them after my first book.  Once the first was rejected by a couple of publishers, I mentally gave up and  “went under.”   Whatever I wrote after that has remained safely in my computer.

One day my friend, Missy, suggested I write a blog.   I didn’t even know what a blog was, and ignored her.  After several more of her suggestions, I finally asked around to how I could start one. 

I started my first one about a month ago and felt like I was “coming out.”  It was scary, but since know one knew about it, it was basically safe for me.  This new blog is really “coming out of the closet”, so to speak.  I am embracing my fear and going to go for it.

I am exhilarated by this sense of adventure.  

Thanks again for listening.  You are a good friend!!!!!  (Really?  Really?  Said, with the Saturday Night Live sarcasm!!!!)  Yes, you are.  Anyone who has made it this far is a good friend.