tiredoffeelingbad

6-9-12

OK – My brain is going crazy.  Jack is being really nice.  He has cleaned up around the house and is being all lovey dovey.  He told me I looked hot today.  I’m a little freaked out by this.  This is everything I always wanted, and yet, all I am thinking about is how I walked away from FB today when we could have had a conversation.  I am obsessing about it.

Here is the background and I think you will agree that I did the right thing.  Sometimes I go back to the gym after the kids go to  school, especially  if FB was not on the early shift.     By the time FB comes, I am usually finished with my workout, so, since I am done,  I don’t mind following him around in order to talk to him.  I  talk to him while he goes  from apparatus to apparatus.  I told him I felt like a geisha girl following him around – I should be in a kimono.      

Today, though, I wasn’t through with my workout when he waved for me to follow him – he said do the geisha.   BUT, he was distracted because he couldn’t find a piece of equipment and he was taking a while to pay attention to me, so I made a decision.   I said, I gotta go and he said goodbye.  (I think he thought I was leaving). 

A few minutes later, I went over to him and told him what I was going to say.  We had a short conversation and then I left.  No big deal.  We just haven’t had a good, long conversation for a week and I feel like I missed the chance to.  I miss our conversations.    They are nice.

Well, I am wondering if I did the right thing, but there is nothing I can do.  I am obsessing about whether I should have just stood there and waited for him.   I just didn’t want to stand there when I had things to do.  Why is it more important for him to get his workout done but not me?   He is not complaining, but I am feeling like I did the wrong thing.    I am worring about it.  I am thinking he won’t like me now.

I guess it is easier to worry/obsess about this then to think about MY REAL LIFE.  Thinking about our lack of finances.  how nervous I am about hitting my numbers for the quarter, and wondering who will come tomorrow to my “surprise” birthday party.   It makes me feel like I don’t have any REAL friends.   I feel stupid for being a baby about my stinking birthday. 

Instead, I obsess over whether I should have waited for FB or not.  Like it REALLY matters!!!!!   I guess I am afraid he will give up on me.  I am afraid that I blew it today.  I think he acts all macho but deep down he is insecure so he doesn’t REALLY think I like him.  That’s what I always do.  I make excuses for the guys and get treated like a door mat.

So,back to FB.  There is really no decision.  FB might just like me as a friend, but I just don’t want to be following him around like an Arab woman or slave.  I want to be a person with value.   If that ruined things, then too bad for him, right?   Does it really matter?  No, but obsessing seems to be part of my nature unfortunately.  So if it doesn’t matter, why do I keep going over it and over it in my mind?  Why do I feel so anxious?

Let me think……this is reminding me of a similar incident.   I was at Canyon Ranch back when I was single and with my spa package, came two appointments with a “Lifestyle Consultant”.    The consultant asked me what was going on.  I said I was fine,   BUT, it was weird that I was completely obsessing over which leotard I would wear to each exercise classe.

He asked, “is everything ok with your work?”  Yes, I said.  “How about in relationships?”

With that question burst into tears and cried for the next four days.   I was in a relationship with a guy who turned out to be married.  Last July 4th, he had told me he would leave his wife in six months if he felt better.   It sounds dumb, but he had chronic fatigue syndrome and always felt sick.  He wasn’t going to leave his wife and put me through his illness unless he felt better by January 1.  It was December 24th.   I knew that he still felt like crap.

I hadn’t really thought about what that meant.    He obviously wasn’t leaving her.  I only had a lose lose situation here.  I could stay with him while he was married, or never see him again and miss him terribly.  Sounds dramatic, but it made sense why I was obsessing.  There was not a win in it for me.  Give up on ever having a great relationship and stay with him or ……I couldn’t even think about it.  He was my soul mate or so I thought and I couldn’t live without him – blah, blah, blah.   Sounds really dumb now, but I was definately in the middle of it back then.

 I was already seeing a therapist back home to find out why I couldn’t let go of my married man.  She kept telling me that “they” never leave their wives.  I definately didn’t like this or her.

When I got back home, I fired the first therapist and found a new therapist.  It’s funny because I would go see her feeling fine, and come out crying and confused.  She kept asking me why I wasn’t angry at my parents.   I knew they were doing the best they could.   She confused me.

Around this time, my friend, Dale, did something called the Forum.    Her brother had been bothering her for four years to do it.  She was about to move to Japan for work and she said, why do you keep bothering me about this?  He said, if you kept almost drowning I would tell you to take swimming lessons.   You keep having problems in relationships.  So, she did it.  She was basically a righteous bitch before that (even though I loved her and she was a lot of fun).  BUT, she totally didn’t get why I was with my married guy.  No one understood (for good reason).  

After the Forum, Dale was unbelievable.  She apologized for not being understanding and told me she loved me.  I said, whatever you did, sign me up.  I went and did the Forum.   I realized that what I was committed to was having a REAL relationship.  (I couldn’t say marriage yet.)    AND, my married guy just didn’t fit into that.  So, we could be friends, I didn’t have to say goodbye, but our relationship just didn’t fit.

It was a very huge deal.  Plus, the other “little” part was that I truly thought I was unlovable.  I called my dad in the forum and asked him if he was proud of me and did he love me?   He said, of course I do – why would you need to ask me that?  

I said, ok, thanks, and went back to the forum.  I was talking to Dale’s brother, and he told me he loved me.   I said, I know, you say that to everyone.  He said, “no, I really do love you.”  The light bulb went on.  I didn’t think anyone could really love me.  I just didn’t.  I was good at the beginning of relationships, but I knew that if they really got to know me, they couldn’t.   I am needy and insecure and oversensitive.  I cover it with the fun, happy girl image, but I am a mess in relationships. 

I fired the second therapist and told her that my thing is “confused victim” and she was making it worse, not better.  She was evil and said, “you’ll be back.”  I said NO WAY.

I separated from MM  (married man) although we stayed friends.  It wasn’t always happy, but I felt good about it.  I had a lot of work to do in relationships which is still the truth (duh).    

So why am I obsessing about FB now?  I guess in my mind he is safe.  He is not the unavailable one this time, I am.  He can’t hurt me because I can just go back to my marriage.

“Confession” – I am watching a Family Channel movie as I type – Lindsay Lohan in Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen and I am waiting for the happy ending.  I am even crying.  This is channelling my inner drama queen so go with it…….

So why am I so fucked up?  I dress up to go to the gym in the morning, making sure I have minimal make up and my very sexy gym pants and top.  When I get home, I wear no make up and my loose comfy clothes.  I am not going to make the effort for Jack.  Maybe I don’t need to.  Maybe that’s nice to be safe and good.  Or, am I just fucked up?

Maybe I don’t need to think so hard about any of this.  I think I just need to breathe and be present.  Maybe I have had too much coffee.  Maybe none of this matters.  Maybe FB will talk to me and maybe he won’t.   It obviously won’t matter in five years unless I am destined to end up with him.  DH was friendly today but he interrupted our conversation to talk to the beast.  He said he would CALL HER ON TUESDAY NIGHT.  That’s why I had to stop liking him.  What is the deal with the beast?  I walked away after that.   SM was also there and we talked because Lovely Lady was not. 

We’re about to have the happy ending…….YEAH.  Stu Wolfe brings Lola the necklace and proves she’s not a liar.  YEAH LOLA!!!!  And, she ends up with Sam.  You gotta love those happy endings.

So, why can’t I be nice to Jack?  Why do I keep fantasizing about FB?  Who cares?  It’s working.  No more coffee for today (maybe).    I will go to the library later and pick out new books.  I will eat healthy today and save my points for tomorrow.  I will talk to FB when I see him and one day we will have another good talk.   He is my friend and I love that.  For today, that will have to be good enough.   Nothing I can do about it.  He probably won’t be there tomorrow or Monday.  BUT, we will see.  Every day I think I won’t see him and then – HE IS THERE!!!! Nothing to worry about.   No where to go with this.  I still don’t why I am obsessing, but I am going to get ready to go now and if I figure something out you will be the first to know, ok?

Thanks for listening.

PS  I tried to edit this one but only got half through.  Sorry about that.  There’s alot in there, so bear with me.  No more coffee.  I still feel anxious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

6-8-12

On the phone calling a client.  I only have a few minutes before Jack comes home.  I feel like I have nothing to say, but since I am standing in the kitchen eating peanuts when I am not hungry, I am figuring there is something going on.  Let’s see what comes out my fingers.

While we were away, Jack told me that he was sure that I was typing things about how he was sure I was writing about him and how I hated him.  I told him that basically I wrote about whatever I was upset about that day and it wasn’t always about him. That was not a lie.

He told me that he thought I was definately out of the marriage and that there was no hope.  I told him that I didn’t want to break up the family, didn’t want to leave or lose the house, and didn’t want to be single.  Plus, I am financially unable to leave.  So, I have no plans on leaving and that is why I am still there.  He was disappointed that I didn’t say I was staying for him!!  I couldn’t say anything about him since I have spent so much time being resentful and hating him.

But, after our talk in the Jamaica airport, I felt better.  I didn’t hate him as much.  It’s weird how that works.  I think this is him.  I will say more later.  I REALLY don’t want him reading over my shoulder – not cool.

Still thinking of FB.

Later:  I am back.  Jack is taking Chad to see his friend at the hotel that his father stays in when he visits.  The father is a lot of fun and they all get to hang out at the hotel.  Sybil went because Chad’s friend was with him and she thinks he’s cute and nice.     Normally I would have gone because I like to hang out with the “hotel” father, but I am too tired and would have to reput my make up on and frankly, I am looking forward to a good nights sleep.  Tomorrow I get to sleep in a little because the gym doesn’t open until 7:00 AM.  Saturdays I kibbitz with DH and the other Saturday people. 

What was I saying?  I don’t know, but I have tanked.  I was looking at the bank accounts and realized that the amount of money we have – after a day’s spending – will not cover the two bills I had set up to pay.  One was the electric bill – while listening to my messages, I realized the very same electric company had called me and it WASN’T to wish me a happy birthday.   So, I had to reduce the amount of what we could pay.  Bumbs me out because I was feeling so good that we could pay SOMETHING!!!

The other problem is that Jack, bless his heart, actually wants to do something for my birthday.  I am thrilled that he does – I have wanted this to happen since we got married.  He told me the other night that he wanted to have a surprise party, but it was freaking him out and so he told me – I actually thought it was cute believe it or not.I have always wanted him to think ahead and do something, and I think Chad may have had something to do with that, but that’s ok.  The problem lies in that there is no money.  I don’t want to give him my whole reserve and then we HAVE NOTHING.  That really freaks me out and stresses me out at the same time – a bad combination.   I don’t need fancy food – just don’t run out of beer and or wine.

Ok – I just went to grab some more peanuts and raisins – this will be dinner which is fine with me – I love it when I am alone and drinking beer – no fuss no muss – BUT, the raisins had ants in them.  Bumbs me out.  I hate ants and any kind of bugs.  BUT, I am determined to not freak out this summer.  They are what they are and they are part of the summer.  DEAL WITH IT!!!  But, I still hate the sight of them.  It makes my skin itchy.

Back to the party – NO FUCKING MONEY – I told Jack that if he put the party on a credit card then it is not worth having it – I won’t be able to return it like I did with the Christmas gifts he gave me.  I returned them all because he put them on a credit card because we had no money.  That is not a gift.  That is a dagger throught the heart.  Returning those gifts made me so fucking sad. 

We are working hard and we have NO MONEY.   It really sucks and depresses me.   I am eating ant ridden raisins and have no money for the exterminator.  They keep paying me and I tell them I would pay them if I had money but I don’t.  What can I say?

Missy is out at the local bar and keeps texting me to come there.  I don’t know how she does it without money, but I just can’t do it.  I refuse to go into debt for drinks.  I am wondering if Jack will dip into his “hockey” money to pay for some of this.  I know he keeps it until he has to pay for hockey.  So, fuck him.  Use some on me, you hockey obsessed bastard.  Am I not just a little important or is the only game in town paying for the fucking hockey?

You tell me.  I am not going to run out of money to pay the bills that are coming out of the accounts to have this party.  His idea = he finds the fucking money.  OR CALL IT OFF.  I don’t care.  I liked the idea.  I think I am getting more pissed off rather than less, but this is good.  I will finish my peanuts, finish my fourth Corona Light, and get into bed and read my book.  Then I will stop eating.  I need to save some weekly points for Sunday – my no cost party.

Back to FB.  I saw him the last 3 days.  His schedule varies so I keep thinking I will miss him.  We haven’t had a long talk, but enough.   I keep vacillating between he watches me and admires me to I am completely hallucinating that he cares at all.  Probably just for a quick lay.  BUT, in the fantasy world, reality just can’t factor in or the “feel good” is gone.  So, why go with reality?  It just bites.

I need a fantasy from our finances REALLY BAD so I will go with the whole thing.  He loves me, he wants, he thinks I’m cute, he loves to watch me, he would love to spend the rest of his life with me.  He is hot, we would have great sex for the rest of our lives, he would be loyal and cherish me and love to spend time with me.  He would never be rude or short with me and NEVER put me down in any way, shape or form.  He has money saved which we could live off comfortable and travel whenever we wanted. 

OK, I’m seeing that maybe if I have a fantasy, I want the above plus a whole lot of excess cash.  I would like the option to have nice things and to not have to do this torturous job.  BUT, loyalty is important as is passion and just thinking I am THE BEST THING SINCE SLICED BREAD.  Why not have the fantasy go over the top?  Maybe FB is not a good candidate?  Not sure, but it will help me.  I just think he is very cool in a weird way.  BUT, if he stopped being nice acting like I am special, alot of the reason for the attraction would go away, so …….we’ll see.

When I get anxious, I just realize that if something is meant to happen, it will.  AND, if it isn’t, I will move to CRUSH #4. 

I guess for not having anything to say, I certainly found something.  The other anxiety producer today was feeling my old birthday feeling that I have no friends.  I was starting to invite them and they were all busy.  I didn’t want people to think that I didn’t have any friends and I was desperate so I invited them.  I get sad around my birthday.  It is annual.  I think it goes back to childhood and it is REALLY time to GROW UP!!!  But I don’t have to unless I want to. 

When I was little, I waited all year for my birthday.  We had five kids and so I didn’t ask for anything all year.  BUT, on that one day, I literally thought the world should revolve around my every want and desire.  It was MY DAY!!!  I had waited 364 days for this.   But guess what?  No one else thought that.  No one else thought the day was any different.  So, every year I was SO DISAPPOINTED!!!  I was just so sad that no one realized that it was MY DAY!!!  No one else cared except perhaps my mother who had me.  

So, is it time to grow up?  Not sure.  I will let you know.  And on that note, I am not editting this.  I am too tired.  I am almost done with my beer and I am going upstairs before Jack and Sybil get home.  That way I won’t eat anymore and I will be in bed. 

Thanks for listening.  You are awesome and I am tired.

6-8-12

Well, I’ve been to Jamaica and back on a work trip that we won.  I went with Jack and I was very nervous about that.  Luckily we had our whole state of winners on the trip so there were lots of people to talk to and hang around with.  It was a beautiful resort and I got to work out in the morning, stretch at the pool in a class, and do aerobics in the water with these very well built Jamaican men!!!  They would pose and we would cheer.  It was a lot of fun.

Then, one night we went dancing.  The other nights I was just too tired – we only had 3 nights there!!!  I was dressed in what appeared to be a “hot” dress.  I danced like a drunken fool.  I love to dance and I will go out there by myself if I have to.  The best part is what one of the “men” said to me.  He was with the head of our state and he said that they were admiring the way I was moving my butt.  “Really”, I asked?

“I don’t remember it moving that way last year,” he said. 

“Well, I attribute it all to Zumba!!” I answered.  Wow, I thought.  I am a person that, while I love to dance, it is one of my favorite things if the music is good, I have been told that “I look funny.”  Mostly by my daughter, but was told that once in high school as well.  I am very proud and thrilled that a soon to be 53 year old woman’s butt was being admired!!!  Jack even told me that I was inspiring everyone out there.  I am not sure why, but that is very cool.  YEAH ME!!!!  One of my proudest moments.  I have lost only 26 of my 40 pounds, and yet, “MY BUTT IS BEING ADMIRED.”  I freaking love that.

Jack and I sort of got along, but I would definately say I was thinking of FB and fantasizing about FB more than I was about Jack, that’s for sure.   I mean, I enjoyed Jack’s attention and he was certainly being nice, BUT, I was a little lukewarm if I tell the truth.   I had great fun with the others, but with him I was just a little numb. 

I told think I told you about the Victoria Secrets incident, did I?  Well, to summarize, he wanted to go the Friday before the trip.  He had a gift certificate and was going to use it to buy me stuff.  I would rather have stuck pins in my eyes and told him so.  I said my friend Missy asked me to have a drink.   HE WAS PISSED!!!!

He told me that I WAS GOING TO GO AND THAT I WAS GOING TO PRETEND TO BE ENJOYING MYSELF!!!   Now, this was Friday, I had worked all week, I was tired, I had to pack and I WAS NOT GOING TO GO there.  I hated that place as it relates to “pleasing him” which is another story for another day.

OK, I’ll go, I said, but I don’t have the energy to pretend.  You’ll have to drag me around.  So he said fair enough.  We went, and at first I hated it, but I found a couple of nightgowns and some underwear under complete duress and pain.  Then, he had some money left and so we started looking at the lotions.  I relaxed at this point because it did not involve undressing and seeing myself in the horrible mirror.  By the time we left, I was ok.  We went and had a beer with Missy and the horror show was over.

He was happy that I did it for him.  He really did.  I was just feeling like a blob when we went and I couldn’t stand myself.  I had to just stop resisting it and it finally went away.  I felt like something was wrong with me – FAMILIAR feeling.

The next day we left.  Packing is stressful for me since I have Packer’s disease – overpacking issues.  AND, we had a flood through the roof which leaked only into the bag I had packed with the passports.  I had to switch bags at 5:30 AM and luckily the passports weren’t ruined.

But, once we got on the plane, I relaxed and realized it is good to get away.  Make the best of it.  Enjoy!!!  The unlimited food and drink helped!!!  And, I just got back from WW and only gained .6 of a pound.  Will wonders never cease.  I guess all the exercise and dancing  helped to counteract the eating.

Well, meanwhile I got back and went to exercise.  I was late because I hit off instead of snooze, but FB was there and he went on the elliptical next to me for his ten minutes.  We chatted.  I still like him, but I am moving more towards he probably doesn’t have the fantasy that I have, but so what?  I still love his butt and the way he talks to me AND when he looks at me with those brown eyes I kind of melt.  That is the feeling that I miss with Jack, but, we did have a talk in the airport where I told him that I just don’t want to be vulnerable right now.  I don’t want to have him go back to being mean since I like his good behavior.  So, if having a harmless fantasy makes me feel safe, then I will keep it.

I know I can change guys, so that is good.  I have changed 3 times so FB is not a permanent  problem.  I just like him and we have fun.  Just like with IS, but I don’t fantasize about him.

Well, I have to get going.  It’s nice to be back in touch.  I have to get dressed and go to the science fair for Sybil.  They are almost done with school and then we have to deal with the summer.  Oy vay!!  I’ll deal with that later. 

Thanks for listening.  Today is a pretty good day so far.   I am out in the sun in a bathing suit top typing so I don’t fade.  Not the healthies, but I love it.  Gotta go be a mom!!!!!

PS  No time to edit.  Sorry

6-1-12

Leaving for Jamaica tomorrow.  Getting nervous and excited. 

Jack woke me up in the middle of the night because he read an email I wrote to my friend saying how nice FB’s comments were.  That Jack was so negative that it was a refreshing change.  I don’t know why he was in my email, I guess I left it up.  He is nosy.

I defended myself saying that he is a friend and I like that he listens to me and thinks I’m a good listener.  It was a very difficult conversation.  Jack has a side where he is trying for me to like him, and another side that is a complete ass hole.  I reminded him of when he took me into a store and said, “please help her.  She doesn’t know how to dress.”  He talks down to me just like the therapist, OR, he is ripping me a new ass hole.  That is mixed with gee, why don’t you like me anymore?  It’s a bad combo for me right now so I am dreading being away with him for four days.

Meanwhile, back at the gym, I went early and had a good workout.  I left and took Sybil to her field trip bus.  I came back.  No FB.  All of a sudden he appears.  I told him I had a good story, so as he worked out, I followed him around telling him what happened.  He listened and said, “isn’t it because you have been married for so long that he can’t say anything nice?”  I said, no.  It’s because half the time he is mean as shit. 

He said, after the whole long saga, “well, we have to get you away from that.”  I said, my first step is to become financially independent from him.  Then I will have choices. 

I left and then went back.  I said, “remember when you asked how Jack could have forgiven me for what I did?”  He barely remembered, but I said, it’s because he ignored me for 16 years.  I thought I would never have sex again and this was my only chance.  He likes to ask if I see the guy and do we say hi.  Who knows why?  I couldn’t even begin to guess.

So, I left there thinking, I better find a new crush.  I spilled too much.  He still thinks I am “good people,” and it’s nice to have another guy friend, BUT, I need a romantic fantasy, not a platonic one.  I will see what I can do.  There is another guy who goes later that watches me.  I forget his name.  Maybe he is better.  I would like someone that I could have a glass of wine with and bring to a party (if I were single).  I mean, I still love FB’s ass, but if he is only interested in one thing, I am not into that.

I said, I am not going to just have sex with someone.  What if I like it and want to do it again?  That’s when the guy turns into an ass hole.  It isn’t worth it.  If he is going to be that way, I would rather keep him as a friend that I can talk to.  I don’t want him ignoring me.

Plus, SM walked out with LL.  Pisses me off a little, but I just ignore him.

Then, I told FB that DH was my first.  He said he didn’t even want to know.  I told DH he was first on my GBilf list.  “Gym boys……..”  Then he couldn’t even look at me.  Next week I’ll say, don’t worry, you were the first, but you are off now.  I said how many were on his “Gym Girls” and he first said, how many girls in the gym, but then he narrowed it down to 3.  I didn’t ask him who.

So, I will move on from FB (probably not really), and try to have a good time in Jamaica, mon.  Jack wants me to buy something at Victoria Secrets tonight and I am SO not in the mood.  I will have to pretend.  I just want to have a drink with my friend Missy and relax.  Then I have to pack.  I have packers disease which means I will always overpack no matter how hard I try not to.  I can’t even pretend not to anymore.  It’s too much wasted energy.

Well, I still like FB.  I’m sorry, I just do.  He is fun.  Steve says he will miss you and that is so cute.  He is a REALLY GOOD FRIEND.  I could call him if I needed him and that is nice. 

So, it’s good to have friends, I guess.  Wish me luck if I can’t add another post.  Thanks for being there.  Can’t edit this one – no time.  Sorry

5-31-12  6:35 PM

Had an exhausting day.  Had to go out with my state coordinator today.  I realize that I suck at sales and that I never wanted to be in sales, and yet, here I am IN SALES.   I like the non-parts of the business like working with people, meeting people, listening to people, but I am not good at getting through people’s objections when they’ve said no.  I just say ok.  NOT GOOD. 

I was so nervous this morning that I couldn’t even talk or think.  I kept having to go the bathroom because I had a LARGE DD coffee.  It was completely embarassing. 

My boss’s boss is a great salesman and turned this client around effortlessly.  I would have totally screwed it up.  I guess I COULD look at the positive, which was……..?   That there is something to learn, I guess.   I hate that.  I want to be good and perfect and rich RIGHT NOW!!!!

On a good front, my fantasy is alive and growing with FB.  Today we talked – I said, remember when you asked if I was always smiling, well, sometimes I am not……..etc.  During the conversation he asked if I ever work out my legs.  I asked him why he was asking, and he said that he never sees me doing legs.  I told him I did them on the other side.  But, I just realized, that means he is watching me which I love.  He always looks like he is so engrossed in what he is doing that I didn’t think he even noticed little old me.

Later I went up to him and said, “is there something wrong with my legs?”  He said, no.  Not at all.  His next comments have kept me SO HAPPY AND FANTASIZING TODAY.  Are you ready?  

He told me he really likes talking to me.  He said that I am special because I am real.  I am still kvelling from that comment.  It has made me totally in love with him (in my fantasy).  I feel like he gets me and it is so refreshing and nice and I don’t have to feel crazy.  He thinks it’s all good.  I love that.  I just do.  I want to declare my love and devotion (in my mind – don’t worry, whenever I get this way, I don’t even see him something prevents me from making a fool of myself).

Meanwhile back at the ranch, Jack and I had a bad fight starting yesterday and going until today.  It was so unpleasant and draining.  It is such a difference – the communication with both of them.  I know it is not fair to compare, but so what?  Life it not fair.  If I say something to Jack, he argues with me and annihiliates me for hours.  It is so exhausting.  If I say something to FB he says, “I like that.  Nice.”   One person makes me feel BETTER, and one makes me HATE MY LIFE.  Gee, hard to decide who I like better, isn’t it? 

In my musing, I want to ask FB if he likes me as more than a friend.  Does he have any feelings for me in a romantic way?  If yes, I can start to think that I am not just hallucinating and see if it could go anywhere.  I don’t care about his background, I just care how I feel about him and how easy it is to talk to him. 

If no, I will appreciate his friendship and either try again in my marriage, OR, find another crush.  At this point, I am ready to run to California with FB.  I just am, regardless.  I don’t care that I don’t know him.  “Details” as far as I am concerned.   I suppose if the answer is no, we could just be friends with benefits.  That might work for a short term escape plan.

I have mixed feelings about going to Jamaica.  If Jack hadn’t won it and I had, I would be taking someone else.  I am dreading having to be with him.    He probably, at some level, knows that I am not into him, but I have said, that if I was really ready to move, I would be gone.  I don’t want to break up the family and I love our view.  AND, I have no money to leave.   That pissed him off more – because I didn’t say I was staying because of him.  At one point he asked me if I was proud of him – I had to come up with some things in a fast way.  None of which had to do with money, mind you.

Italian Steve told me that life is too short and to just go and have fun.  Maybe I will act like we are just dating.  Then I won’t feel like I am stuck and have no way out. 

Actually, I did go away with a boyfriend in college.  We had fun, but one night we got into a huge fight because he took our joint money and gambled it away.  I was pissed.  I think that’s why I broke up with him.  He was not responsible about money.  Why didn’t I realize this about Jack before I got married?  But, I can’t say that, because then I wouldn’t have my kids. 

FB and I share views about money.  He believes in saving. 

I had taken a break in typing just long enough for Jack and to get into a fight.  He got on my case again because I was frustrated and said I wished he hadn’t put some business in before we had figured things out.  It is not all messed up and taking ALOT OF TIME. He just kept going on and on and on and on.

I said, “ok, I’m an ass hole.  Let’s just agree so you can stop this onslaught.  That just fuels more abuse.  I fucking hate it.  It drains me of my energy and happiness.  I am not free to speak without getting an onslaught of assoholicness.  It is just not a fun way to live.  I can see why I am not happy at home and quite dead.  It just isn’t fun.  He doesn’t know he’s doing it and he doesn’t care.  BUT, I am tired of feeling sorry for him.  It really sucks.

So, let’s go back to my fantasy.  I think FB is actually very different from what I thought.  He will get me through the night.  I need to get out of here.  Luckily, Jack and Chad just left for  – you guessed it – hockey.  Good.  He wanted me to give him money for gas tonight and I said I didn’t have any.  Go fuck yourself.  Figure out that there is no money and don’t fucking go, ass hole.

I am really pissed off.  I am dreading this weekend.  I will just hang with my friends.  I will not be working and not be at home looking at the clutter and try to enjoy myself. 

Right now I want to go to the gym tomorrow right now and see FB.  It isn’t time.  I am afraid he will be late tomorrow and I will miss him.  I am definately going to go back if I do.  I will just kerplunk right next to him.   I will follow him around and put on my kimono and walk and take little teeny steps.  I don’t care.  I need him to save me right now.  I will admit it.

Other gym friends:  SM and I have been being civil to each other.  I even talked to my first friend there – I will name him FF for first friend.  We had stopped talking for a while – he had told me that he had a really long and detailed sex dream about me.  After that things were never the same.  It was just plain awkward.  So it was fun to talk to him again.

I had a long elliptical chat with CM the car man.  We were really laughing.  He was talking about when he was young and the parents would pick up the kids from school or activities and throw them in the back without seats or seat belts.  But the funny part was that the parents would be drinking – one mother would have a Tall Boy Beer in between her legs.  We were envisioning eye witness news doing an OJ chase down Route 7 with the helicopters filming for live TV.  We were laughing so hard that it was really fun.  Things were much different back then.  Much more relaxed.

It is good to laugh.  I love FB.  I hate Jack.  What else can I say?  Thank God for my fantasy life.  Sybil is watching tv and I am ready for bed at 7:29 PM.  I never had my nap today.  More tomorrow!!!

Thanks for listening.  It definately helps.   I am getting clearer about things.  I have a plan for ME to make money and learn to sell better so that will help my escape plan. 

Thanks Again.

5-30-12

This is dangerous.  Jack in other room.  Sybil across from me.  Just have to say – long night, but this mornig, FB hung out with me fo a while.  I was talking to him instead of working out, which makes him very special.  Never did it for SM.  Then, he was getting on the treadmill, so he said, get on.  He said, “wow, it goes by fast when you are talking to someone you like.”  I said, ” who is that?”   He said, “you.”

So, I’ll take it.  I like that he likes me.  We treadmilled and I knew I was missing the planking, but I said to myself, I am not going to give up this time.  We were talking about kids, and he wanted to know where I went to college.  I told him and he said, “I never met anyone who went to an Ivy League School.”

Then, he was going to the back and he kind of said come on so I was following him.  I told him I should be wearing a kimono and shuffling my feet.  I am kind of embarassed because I was following him and asked what was next and he said, “there’s your group.”  Oops.  So I joined them late.  I didn’t care.  One of the girls I think likes him and I think she was giving me the hairy eye ball.  Oh well.  She has a flat ass and he likes a round one.

When I was stretching he came over right next to me even though there was barely room.  We continued to talk and then walked out together.  I hope DH and SM were watching!!!!!!!

So, it has kept me going through the day.  Jack had a lot to say on our ride to New York.  He gets to say whatever he wants like whatever he says or dies I am a pain in the ass basically.  If I say anything, he throws it in my face and designs our future around it.

I don’t fucking give a shit.  I have a good time when I am NOT talking to him.  I am fun and alive and nice and have a good time when I am NOT with him.  Please pray for me in Jamaica.  We will either come back divorced or happy.  I don’t know which I want.  I just realize that I have fun without him.  BUT, I do like a designated driver but I would probably be better off if I didn’t have one.  Either that or arrested.

I just can’t stop thinking about FB.  Who knows?  If I really got to know him in real life I might not like him.  BUT, what I like is that he is a MAN, has a JOB THAT PAYS MONEY, is so fucking fit and has a GREAT ASS!!!  AND, acts interested in what I say (some of the time).  He smiles when he sees me.  I loved today – even though I was missing planking, I figured I wasn’t going to leave him.   So the fuck what?

Anyway, time for bed.  He said he would see me tomorrow so I have to get there early.  I hope he is there on the early shift.

Thanks for listening.

Remind me to tell you about Melanie, my WW leader.

5-29-12

It’s Tuesday after Memorial Day.  Last night was fun.  We had people over and drank wine and ate good food.  I am making calls as I type.  It is hard to remember who I am dialing……..OK,,,,right now I am calling Lydia…..

Went to the gym this morning and talked to FB.   I am so crushing on him (if that is a phrase).  I keep thinking about him and it is getting bad.  I think I have to compartmentalize him so the thoughts don’t affect my life.  I am thinking about him all the time.  I think the underlying theme is “he definately going to save me.”   He will take me into his life and I won’t have to deal with my own.  Do I really know him?  Irrelevant in the thinking.  Fantasies are not based in reality.  That’s why they are fantasies.

BUT, even so, I have a real physical attraction to him and I just love to talk to him as well.  It makes me happy when he is at the gym.  Just knowing he is there makes me happy.  There is no contact outside of the gym.  AND, I have no idea if he thinks of me at all.  BUT, my crushing is HUGE. 

On the reality front,  Jack was asking me what I was REALLY feeling about the marriage this morning on the phone.   I told him honestly what was missing.  Passion, fun, love, empowerment, someone who likes me and wants to spend time with me.  Someone who thinks I’m ok just the way I am.

He said that he does like me and love me, but he doesn’t think there is any hope for us because of how I feel.  I told him not to use what I say against me.   That I am saying how I feel right now.  Not forever.

I really don’t know what to do.   I am not attracted to Jack at all right now. 

Part of me thinks I am just being stupid and should appreciate what I have. Secretly “longing for” hot guys at the gym might just be self-destructive.  I know my serial fantasies keep me from having to deal with Jack.  I’m ok with that for right now because I just don’t want to.   It is too frustrating, exhausting, and has little hope for the future in terms of fun, finances, and excitement.  Is that too much to ask for?

I want more, but I am afraid I am being stupid.  Some people that get divorced are REALLY happy and some people have regrets.  I don’t want to be one of the people who say, wow, I had it good, what was I thinking?

But, I also don’t want to be one of those people who say, ” why did I stay in a miserable marriage for so long?”

Jack makes it seem like it is my fault.  I must WANT IT TO BE THIS WAY.  I HAVE JUST WHAT I WANT.   

Fuck him, man.  I am doing the best I can.   That’s all I can say.   I’m not going to worry about it right now.  (I am calling Jacob…….)  There is nothing I can change right now.  Would FB be right for me in reality?  I don’t know.  It’s just the fantasy that he loves me “truly” that keeps me going on him.   I will probably never know, but I do like him.  I really feel like we bonded last week.  If it’s only has friends, then I am glad to have him as a friend. 

I love having Steve as a friend, too.  He always tells me I look nice.  We were joking this morning that I need to record him.  I need a button that I can press and hear him say “you look nice today.”  “You look good in red.”  “I like your butt”, whatever.  He is a good uplifting person to be around.

Why can’t I feel that way about Jack?  I just don’t know.  I think I will lie down for a few minutes and then go get weighed.  I don’t have to make any decision, but I will definately be thinking about FB.  There is just something about him that is so real.  Who knows?  Let’s just get through another day.

5-28-12

Havimg people over today;  It’s Memorial Day.  It’s a good thing because we have to clean up the house if we have people over.  That’s a good thing.  We get rid of a lot of clutter. 

 I am REALLY tired.  Went to the gym this morning a little later today.  My body really hurts, but I have until Friday and then I WILL HAVE EXERCISED EVERY DAY FOR A YEAR.  I can’t remember a day that I missed and I only realized that last week.  Since our trip to Mexico last year,  which was a week from Thursday, I think I’ve done something every day.  

Last year I went with Sybil to Mexico because I won the trip and Jack didn’t want to go.  It was her 13th birthday on the day we left last year.  We had a good time.  I was in the throes of my fantasy with DH, and happy to not be with Jack.

It was really enjoyable  to NOT be with Jack.  On the way home, we were in the airport on a layover, and one of the guys was sitting next to me and leaning into me.  I was revelling in the physical touch, realizing that Jack and I, at that time, had NONE.  Not even a touch on the shoulder.  At that moment I realized how much I missed it.  I love to be touched or to hug people.  It was a big missing for me and I decided I WOULD NOT live without it for the rest of my life.

Weird how things come to your mind, right?  DH was a little friendly today.  Since he told me he cheated on his wife a few years ago, I think he is having ideas.  Well, screw him.  He could have had me a year ago.  I would have left my family and lived in his woods at that time.  Whatever.  Maybe I am imagining it. 

I am really not interested in him anymore which is a miracle if you knew how obsessed I was last year.  I am not into sex for sex’s sake.  Not my style.  I want the emotional connection.  I want to be able to talk to the person.  I don’t want a quickie and wham bam thank you ma’am.  Just not worth it.  That’s what vibrators are for.  No strings and no emotional attachment involved.  I figure if I like it with the guy and want to see him again, I just have to sit there waiting for them to call because they are married or have “gotten their rocks off” and don’t need to see me again.  FORGET IT!!!!  Been there, done that.  Very disturbing.

I did get the book 50 or 80 shades of Grey, whichever it is, but I stopped reading it.  I just didn’t want to get all horny again like I was with SM.  I was a maniac.  I did buy new batteries for Purple Bob (Battery Operated Boyfriend), but I just wasn’t in the mood to get all hot and bothered again.  Crazy, but true.  Just don’t want to go there without a real man outlet.  Not into Jack in that way I am very sorry to say.  Jamaica should be interested.  I will have to have some alcoholic stimulation or something.

People are coming over in an hour and a half.  I am on the deck again, sweating in the beautiful heat and humidity.  We are pretty much ready. 

Didn’t see FB today or yesterday.  I am wondering how he is doing.  He said Saturday was his only day off, so he might be working. 

I wonder what he does and if he even thinks about me.  Probably not.  He said that he didn’t go after people’s kids, families, money or food.  That probably means I am off limits.  OR, maybe he has no interest at all.  Well, I don’t need to know that until I find my next crush.   I will live in my mind, not in reality.   Obviously, I have a need to fantasize about more fun, passion, love and sex so that I can maintain a sense of balance at home.  If I think this is all there is, I get upset.  If I think about how we can’t pay the bills, I get upset.    There are alot of things that I COULD think about and get upset. 

So, better to stay happy and enjoy the day, right?    Don’t answer that.

I have Patty to always point out the negative of a situation.  She can turn anything good into a negative:

– I look good – you’re old and fat

– I’m working out – you should take a day off.  You are obsessed.  You are crazy.

– I have great kids – you are a terrible mother.  You are not like your mother.  You are selfish and absentee.

– I’m doing ok at work – you suck – you are a loser

– I’m in good shape – look at the stomach flab – your arm flab still shakes

So, you see, I already have a built in critic.  She can bring me down.  Forget looking in the mirror.  That is a quick downer.  Or a photograph, like I said before.  UGLY.  But that is true.  Those pictures are heinous.  My hair looks dark and ugly and it doesn’t look like me.  Sometimes I don’t think I look that bad until I see a picture.  WHOA NELLY I say, when that horrible Voice Control goes on my phone.  Who is that ugly girl?  Oh my God, it’s me!!!

Now, how  did I get to that?  Oh, Patty.  Yes, that is why I don’t like to be judged.  Because I have Patty built in.  She doesn’t need any help.

I just realized I didn’t take a shower yet and so didn’t apply sunscream to face in my moisturizer.  Well, Patty can have a field day with that one.  Yeah, she’ll say, you will get tan, but so what?  You are so ugly you need foundation so being tan is a waste. PLUS, you don’t need more wrinkles, do you?

See, she can always come in and make me feel bad.  IF I LET HER.  Well, Patty, Hilarious Helena is not going to let you ruin by day.  So, butt out.  Money, wrinkles, fat,……not gonna do it to quote George Bush.  Not going there.

OK, enough of this, I don’t even know what I am talking about.  One more thing – Wednesday I am spending the day with my state coordinator and I have NO appointments for him.  Nothing has been booked and I am a little freaked out.  BUT, Hilarious Helena is not going down today.  I will have a good time and deal with all the shit tomorrow. 

Thanks for listening.  I need a name.   OK, got it.  Have a good Memorial Day!!!!!

5-27-12 Second blog

After I wrote the last post I went to the gym.  I got there about 7:30 AM.  I was trying to finish my book by Barbara Bradford, “Letter from a Stranger.”  Since I couldn’t sleep, I decided to go earlier than my 8:30 AM class.  I did 15 minutes on the elliptical, 15 on the bike, and 10 walking.  I was crying because of the book.  She is a great writer in that she captures you and you REALLY want to know what’s going to happen next, so it was nice to just relax while exercising and read.  It’s nice to not be in a rush on the weekends.

While I was concerned about my neck, I needn’t have been.  It didn’t hurt at all.  Why do these things hurt more at home. HMMMMMMM.  Why am I always more miserable at home (at least when Jack’s around)?

I did my hour of torture with Maria in Flex.  It seems that I get to the gym looking pretty good, or at least according to my friend Steve, who is more like a great girl friend than a guy.  , I love when he tells me I look good every day.  That makes my morning.  He should be gay, really, but he’s not.  He’s very sensitive, notices what I am wearing, and always compliments.  Compliments are better than sex – well, almost.

So, I get there looking fresh.  After Maria’s class I’ve got my hair in a headband AND ponytail, my make-up is gone, and I look like a drowned rat.  It’s a good look, let me tell you.  Luckily, by that time, my friends are gone and, except for this little guy that I was introduced to, I don’t know anyone walking by the classroom.  I stay by the windows so I can look for male eye candy.  It makes the time go by faster.  Then, when I do Zumba at 9:45, I can shake my groove thing and nobody I know is watching my drowned rat look with my shaking booty.   Today she played her old songs which were alot more fun – Club can’t handle me now, Love Shack, On the Floor.   Very fun.

I was thinking about my life and what I had said.  SM was there and I talked to him, but I am pretty much over him.  He was so freaking critical when he was driving around with us last week. Besides my shoes and my driving, he also picked on my car.  “Why is it dirty when it’s a new car?”

Two months old is plenty of time to get dirty in my book.  I decided he’s a compulsive germophobe and neat freak, with a side of  cheating pervert thrown in.  Can’t be much fun at home.  He said his wife wears alot of clothes to bed.  I wonder why!!!!  That’s probably why he strays.  Not my problem.  He’s really friendly when Lovely Lady isn’t there.  Well, fuck you too ass hole.  Excuse my French.

Although, on the other hand, I feel a sort of bond with him because we have shared things about ourselves.   I like him on a certain level because I know him.  We are sort of like brother and sister or friends that give each other a hard time.  It is fine.  I am still a little jealous, but only because he spends more time with LL than he ever did with me.  I didn’t work out with him or run with him.  I kind of said hi and watched from afar.  Silly me.

Let’s throw in slick as well.  Now that my jealousy has re-emerged, I’ll  make myself feel better by putting him down either more, OK?

No FB or DH today, and EM was far away.  So, not much to go by except friend Steve and SM.  But, it’s ok, I had a good workout.  I left the gym around 11:00, so after about 3.5 hours.  No wonder I could barely walk to my car.  (I am not going to let Patty say I am compulsive here, I am tired of her insults.  I am healthy and fit thank you very much). 

When I was driving home I was filled with dread.  I really didn’t want to have a nasty day like yesterday.  I realized that I have been Irina the Independent Bitch for a while.  Just staying safe and not participating in life with Jack.  Ready for the next attack at all times.  Fighting back with nasty words.  Did I really want to leave?

 I saw a young girl primping in front of the mirror.  Do I really want to go back out to the dating scene?  I hated that.  I hate to say it, but, apart from my fantasy love affair with FB and my old fantasy with DH, and my real thing with SM, AND, the passion that I am missing and the REAL LOVE, ……….there is some comfort in just being able to be downright ugly at home.

Not having to worry about whether somebody will notice my vericose veins or lack of perfect body.  The wrinkles over my lip.  Being able to just wear HOME clothes.  To be able to stay home and read a book.  To sit out in the sun like I am doing right now, sweat running down my upper lip – I know, TMI.

It is nice not to have to share my kids and have someone around to share some of the burdens.  I can’t believe I am saying anything good about my marriage.    Don’t tell anyone.  It will ruin my whole “misery” schtick.  (Oooh – that’s scary, isn’t it?)

Part of me realizes that since we are going away to Jamaica together this Friday, it would be really miserable,  and a waste,  to not get along in an island paradise.  Jack won the trip, not me.  If I won, I would have taken one of the kids instead of him.  BUT, since I like vacations, I get to go with him.  It’s just a few days.

So when I got home today, it was ok.  He said he was glad I was home.  Really?  I said.  We actually had a civil conversation about what to serve tomorrow.   He got a little superior when he told me that no one argues with him, I said he must be from a superior blood line.  That didn’t even goad him into attacking!!  (Interesting, was I trying to?  Why would I do that?)

We made a grocery list and he left to go shopping because we are having a few people over tomorrow.   He was helpful and took the bottles and cans to be returned without me asking.   As long as I don’t think about the fact that our verizon is about to be turned off because we can’t pay the bill, I am ok.  I actually could pay it, but it will wipe out our tiny little reserve.   I will see – I would hate to lose the phones.  We just have so much due that it is nasty to think about.  OK, I’m not going to ruin Sunday thinking about the bills.

This week Jack did help me get one of our new people over her number which will help us, but it meant giving half the commission away.  He did it without complaining, probably because he knows we will get it back.  It was actually very nice of him and I COULD be grateful for it and EVEN tell him that.  No promises though.

So, the point is that I didn’t need to discuss why we weren’t getting along or THAT we weren’t getting along or what all the problems were.  I blogged them yesterday and this morning and it was like, POOF, they didn’t need to be discussed to have some peace.  I am not saying they are totally gone, but not seeing FB and thinking he may be with a girl or something made me think I need to GET A LIFE, as they say.  So, in the interest of ME and MY LIFE, it would be better to just be civil.  We will see what happens from there. 

It is really hot and Patty would say that I am self-destructive for sitting in the sun without sunscreen anywear but my face.  At least I have it there.  I have enjoyed our little time together.  (Really?  you ask.)  Yes, it is very helpful to me to get this stuff out.  Talking to Jack is just not always a good idea because he gets REALLY DEFENSIVE and then ATTACKS ME.  It is quite destructive.  I know his love language is words of assurance so I might even try to say something nice today.  Again, I am not promising, I am just telling you I MIGHT.

Somehow, his paying attention to me defused me when I got home.  My love language is quality time.  It is so simple, so why is it so hard?  Good question, I’ll get back to you.

Thanks for listening.  I am sweating again and need another shower.  Oy vay!!!!  Oh, I need a title.  Any sugesstions?

5-27-12 6:41 AM

I have been up for hours and it is Sunday.  The gym doesn’t open until 7:00 AM, but I don’t want to get there too early since my first class doesn’t start until 8:30 AM.  That is Flex with Maria which is really hard.  Then, I have Zumba for fun.  By the time I am done, it is 10:45 and I am really, really tired as it is.  So, I am going to write a little before I go. 

Things are really bad with Jack.  If I say anything, he responds in a very disturbing matter.  It’s hard to describe, but it is like what I am saying is either stupid or I am an ass hole or he is at a loss at what to do with me.  So I have been staying away from him even though we are in the same house.   In bed, I put my second pillow between us since my back usually hurts.  Now that the back is ok, I hurt my neck yesterday and it is hard to get comfortable.  Frankly, this neck thing really hurts if I move a certain way.so I have to be careful today that I don’t make it worse.

That is one of the things that isn’t so good that I do.  I go to the gym every day whether I am sick or hurt.  People say you should take a day off, but I haven’t in a year.  Well, on Friday it will be a year, so I am going to get there.  If I can’t get there, I exercise in the hotel or take a walk at home.  I am out to hit a year.

Back to Jack.,….I am sure it is partially my fault for ignoring him.  I think he starts getting crazy after a while, but, most of the time it is irrelevant.  He is either not home or if he is home, he is on the computer or watching tv.  So, there isn’t a lot of time that he would actually be aware that we are not in “communication.”  Most of the time he is in his own little world.

Last night we had dinner with the kids, and then I took Chad to a friends house.  I came back and was doing the quick books for our business.  I had a lot to catch up on – I hate doing it, but once I get into it, I am determined to get caught up.  In two nights, I have caught up two out of the four accounts.  I haven’t filed the papers in six months, so I want to get to that before the holiday weekend is over.  We actually have some of Chad’s parents friends coming over on Monday for a cookout.  The weather better be good, or we are in trouble.  No room.

So I was doing that and reading my book very happily.  It keeps the WW points down and we don’t spend money by not going out.  Jack asked me if I wanted to take a ride and I said NO.  My neck hurt and I was really looking forward to lying down and reading.  Just keeping my head straight up was tying it in knots.

Now, he would probably say that I never want to do anything.  Well, I don’t want to do anything – WITH HIM!!  He is not fun and we always end up in a fight if I say anything.  If I let him talk we are fine.  He just drones on and on about what he wants to talk about.  But, if I talk about anything that is a concern of mine – money, bills, Chad’s grades, the future, the lack of relationship that we have – obviously these are difficult topics and we get into a fight. 

Is there something else I could talk about?  What?  The boys I have crushes on would not be a good topic.  Anything medical, for example,  the fact that I am still bleeding and cramping from my procedure and I am concerned that it should have stopped, would simply be ignored by him.

If I talk about my friends, he says something derogatory about them which pisses me off.  If I talk about work, he starts giving me a lecture telling me what to do which also aggravates me.  I can never just finish what I am saying, so it kind of makes me not want to start.

So where does that leave us?  In a house together, even in a bed together (on separate sides), but not really getting along.  When I go places with Sybil, sometimes we can talk and laugh, sometimes she is just moody and bitchy.

When I go places with Chad, we usually have fun if he is not texting his friends.  I have told him that that isn’t nice to do when he is with me, since I rarely get to spend time with him.  He is getting better.  He is fun and USUALLY not nasty.  Only when he is hungry or tired or frustrated like the rest of us.

Uh oh.  I hear someone.  I would hate for Jack to read this.  Very hurtful I think.  At least I am not talking about other stuff like last night he read my journal.  That was a nasty, yet freeing, night.  A story for another blog.

I don’t have an answer, but I think something is going to blow.  He can only keep in how bad he feels for a little while. It will come out as an attack and he will be right.  I go to sleep early so that I can work out.  I don’t ever want to do anything.  I make him feel like he is a failure.  I don’t say nice things to him – Actually that would help him feel better since words are his love language, but since I resent and distrust him so much, it is hard for me to say anything nice.

Would it make my life easier?  Yes.  But I just don’t like  or respect him.  I hate his immaturity about finances.  He is mean.  He is self-absorbed.  He doesn’t REALLY want to know me or listen to me.  He will do it as a device if he has to, but then interrupt.  I guess my love language is quality time – that is mostly about LISTENING to me and PAYING ATTENTION.  That is why I like my gym boys.  Because, at times, they will listen to me and pay attention and be interested.  Granted, it is only for a short period of time, but it is enough to make me feel good.

I don’t get that at home, hence I feel unloved and alone.  There you have it folks, the simple, easy solution to life.  I feel good there because people listen and act happy to see me.  At home I am met with derision.  I am an annoyance and someone to be shat upon. Where would you prefer to be?

Now, is the gym a real place?  Can I substitute one for the other?  No, but I can grab some happiness in this dismal home existence, right?  Plus I get a work out. 

Patty can use the gym against me by saying negative things like I just explained above.  She can ruin anything.  You are too obsessed.  You go every day – you should take a break.  You have an injury.  BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  Well, fuck you Patty.  Why do you have to ruin everything?:  Why do you have to bring me down?  I am just trying to enjoy the day.

Because you are a loser and unlovable.  Look at yourself.  52 years old, practically alone, not making enough money, not being nice to your family, thinking that someone else is going to come along and give you a great, romantic, financially sound relationship?  Get a grip and hold on to what you have, honey.  You are just lucky not to be alone, homeless and living on a piece of cardboard.

Wow – that is Patty.  She lives in my head.  She keeps me down whenever I get notions of leaving and going for a great life.   Settle for what you have even though it sucks – is her message.  Why?  That’s what I will go figure out this morning.  My friend taught me this Gesthalt method where you let the two voices in your head have a conversation.  It is fascinating.  It sounds crazy, but it works.  Once these two hash it out – I can usually get some freedom.

The second girl is Independent Irina.  She is independent and doesn’t need anyone else.  She is tough.  BUT, inside, she is just a sad, frightened little girl who was scared.  She developed a tough shell to keep the hurts out – I don’t need anybody else.  I am tough.  BUT, inside, she has a lot of stuff that she never admitted.  That all the criticism and nastiness from the family really did hurt.  All of the times that she was hurt and pretended to be fine – THEY DID HURT.  She stored them all up and pretends to be fine because she “shouldn’t be upset.”   When I had been to the therapist those 3 times, I was starting to let those things out which were painful, but she saw it as I needed to be medicated.  Fuck her.

Anyway, it is time to get to the gym.  I want to get there by 7:30 don’t ask me why.  I don’t know where I’ve gotten to.  Why would Patty need to keep Irina in her shell?  Why does she keep beating on her?  I think Irina needs to come out in a nice way and say that we need to work together.  Irina will stop acting so independent if Patty can stop being so mean.  We need to love each other so that at least we are not at war inside the head.  We need to build up the Main Me so that I have the strength to develop an income and then have some choices if I want to separate.

I think I get so sensitive to Jack because if Patty is already beating me up and then he says something mean as well, it is more than I can take.  If he ignores me or is short, it is more of the same.

Anyway, I don’t know if this makes sense to anyone but me, but that’s ok.  I am just trusting my fingers to type.  I am not judging or editting at this point.  There is too much to clear out of my mind to spend time editting.  Maybe later or maybe I will never go back and read this stuff.

I feel like I need a good cry, but it wreaks havoc with my eye makeup!!!!  Maybe on the way home.

Thanks for listening and have a good Memorial Day weekend.