tiredoffeelingbad

5-26-12 Part B

The thing with the Fantasies.  It’s as if I don’t want to be disloyal to them by being nice to Jack.  So I don’t talk about him except in complaining terms.  It’s part of the thing.  With DH, until he told me that he had had an involvement with someone about ten years before, and that he wouldn’t stray again, I wasn’t going to give Jack another chance.  I thought we were meant to be, and that, of course, he was destined to be with me.  So, when he said that he was staying faithful, that was my way of freeing myself mentally from him.  It wasn’t me, it’s just the way things were.  He was devoted to his wife again.

Now, funny thing is, he told me today that a couple of years ago, a woman, who was not his wife, admired his naked butt.  I was talking about being a butt girl, that I admire a nice firm ass on a guy, and he said, that a couple of years ago someone admired his who was not his wife.  I said, “only once, with all the working out you do?”  That’s when he said, ” I was naked at the time.” 

“Oh,”  I said.  So much for being devoted.  And here I thought he had become a good guy.  Well, I am wondering if it was “the Beast,”  the one I saw him with during the hurricane.  My theory was that his wife was away and he was staying with the Beast.  They were very lovey dovey and he would walk in with her.  The phone lines were out and I wonder if his wife was somewhere else.  It crushed me as at the time, “we were meant to be.”   He was my first Serial Fantasy.  If he was going to cheat, it was supposed to be me.

Luckily (sort of), that was when SM started to pursue me.  He laid it on fast.  He told me how sexy I was, that I was built for sex, and that the first time he saw me he wanted me.  This didn’t happen the first day, though.  We started talking at the gym a few times and he was helping me with my new iphone.  He was talking about something called i something where you could get music for working out.

On one day, Jack actually came to the gym and it really bumbed me out because he was invading my escape world.  When I got to my car, SM had left his business card with the word on it on my car.  I was excited and I emailed him at work.  We emailed a few times and then he said “big brother is watching, can I text you or call you?”  And that’s how we started communicating outside of the gym.  He wanted to get together and I got freaked out.

I had had a crush on DH, but never took it outside of the gym except in the parking lot where we would talk sometimes (I would time our exits if I could – pathetic, but true).  So, at the beginning I thought SM was a little bit of a creep.  I had never actually cheated or done anything.   I knew it was crossing the line.  We tried to get together a few times, but the first time, my daughter’s friend was killed that day and I needed to go get her.  The second time, he wanted to meet where my work people went, and I couldn’t do that.  The third time I can’t remember.  That’s when he pulled back.

We would text and it would get sexual.  I hadn’t had sex with my husband in years, and I started thinking that no one else would have the balls that SM has, and this might be my only chance to have it.  When he started acting nonchalant and no big deal, I started getting more into the idea.

I won’t go any further today, but, just to say, I completely justified what I did.  I was getting nothing at home for a long time.  I had told Jack that I didn’t want a life without sex and passion and companionship.  I wasn’t going to continue in this relationship as it was.  I told him and he would make promises and nothing would change.  It wasn’t like I just went out and cheated.  I REALLY had never looked at anyone until DH after the “Halloween incident” where I had had enough.  (Another story for another time).  

The weird part is that with each fantasy – SM was different than DH and FB, I never envisioned us together in the future – I didn’t want to be with Jack.  i feel like if I do, they will go away or give up on me.  AND, I can’t let them or I have to deal with my real life.  I know they can be replaced, but I get really attached to them while they are “IT.”  It is very strange and I don’t even tell my friends anymore because it sounds so dumb. 

I have to go.  The boys are home and I don’t want them to see this.

Thanks for listening.  I know it’s weird, but it’s true. 

5-26-12

I am not going back and editting AND I don’t know how to do a blog, BUT, I am writing something and it’s out there and that’s something!!!  If there’s typos, etc., I apologize in advance.

There is so much to say today.  It is Saturday, I worked out, and here I am, sitting at Starbucks while Sybil tumbles.  There is so much going through my mind so I am just going to let my fingers type.

I am sad about my marriage.  REALLY SAD!  I was leaving with Sybil, and Jack looks up and acts like I am doing something wrong by not stopping to chat.  I said, I have been here for hours and you didn’t talk to me.  Why is it that whenever I am going out the door and late, you decide to notice that I am there?

It is really annoying.  He does his own thing ALL the time, with no indication that he knows I am a person in the house, and all of a sudden, when I am out the door, he wakes up.  I am just tired of having nothing with him.  I keep looking to see if it is me – am I just a bad, difficult person?  I don’t think so.  Most people seem to like me. They think I am kind, good-hearted, fun, good energy.  So why does the one person I am legally freaking bound to treat me like a piece of shit.  I guess I have allowed it.  I am just tired of it.

We have nothing in common except our work and our children and our house.  I guess that’s alot, but I feel like I have always wanted to have a great romantic, passionate love life and this just isn’t it.  I have given it so many tries.  I really have, that I am just tired of trying.  I don’t think Jack MEANS to be an ass hole.  I think his cluelessness just drives it.

If I could afford to leave, and not be worried about money, I think I would hesitate a little, but not that much.  I lived alone for many years when I was working.  I don’t want to break up the family unit, but it’s not so hot for the kids right now and I would hate for this relationship to be their model for life.  They will end up with people they dislike but are  stuck with. 

Jack started in on me today and I said, “I only know what you’ve told me.  I got out the computer and went through the numbers so I didn’t have to deal with his never ending lecture and philosiphisizing (sp?) which frankly bores me.  If I start talking, it always ends up being about him.  I can never talk for too long without him cutting in and going off about something about him.  I think he is basically self-referenced.  I’m not sure if all men are, but I don’t think so.

AND, do we just dislike each other because we are married?  Is that what happens when you get married?  Do you have to become each other’s enemies, or are we just badly suited after all these years?

I mean, I really don’t want to have to be alone for financial reasons.  I am not in a career where I am confident about my abilities and I do rely on Jack which is a problem.  EET IS FUCKED UP, as my son would say in a Mexican accent.  Before, I had a good job, was confident, knew what I was doing, and how no attention on money.  I saved my money, I took vacations with my savings, plus I put money away for the future.  It worked.  No stress.

Now, I am married to someone who not only spends what he has, but spends before he has it.  It is an endless cycle of trying to cover negative balances and trying to pay any bill with whatever money comes in.  I HATE IT AND IT SUCKS!!!!  I resent Jack for not being more mature and responsible in this area.  I know he was not trained, but for God’s sake, he is a 64 year old man.  “GROW THE FUCK UP AND TURN YOUR PANTS SO THE ZIPPER IS IN THE FRONT!!!”  (I borrowed the second half of that from some old friends.  Not the beginning as they did not SWEAR!!!)

I am not his mother and I don’t like being the only grown up.  (I don’t mean to just be negative, but I am trying to get out my resentments to see if there can be any love left!!)   He asks me if he can go to fucking Costco!!!  Look at the bank account and see if there is money, ass hole!!!  Why do I have to be the one to say no?  Wimp.  Wimp.  Wimp.  Tries to be the good guy.  Tries to act like he is the good one.  Your mother says,……your mother says……..  Fucking grow a pair, dude!!!!!  (This feels good – thanks for letting me vent – I am having a good time!!!)

And another thing, ……(thinking…there must be more…)  I hate that hockey is the only thing you care about.  Watching hockey on tv, going to hockey games, obligating us to $9000 to a hockey team when we have $6000 this month in bills that we haven’t paid.  How can a grown man justify that?  How can we ever have a future when we are going deeper into debt and financial obligations than we are paying bills?   Makee no sensee to use a Chinese phrase. 

He was just calling me but I am not going to answer.  I have very little free time where I can type without anyone seeing what I am doing so I will get back to him.  Fuck him as my father would say.

So, here is where my confusion lies:  I love my house, my children, and being a family.  So, I would to lose that. 

BUT, I also either want to be alone OR to be in a relationship that is empowering, hopeful, abundant, fun, passionate, loving, with someone who lifts me up, not brings me down.

Could I have this with Jack?  I just think he is so clueless that most of it wouldn’t happen.  I don’t think inside he is a bad person, just that he is severly limitted and can be quite an ass hole and not aware of it.  I am tired of being the brunt of his verbal attacks which he claims not to be aware of.   It has assisted me in feeling REALLY Bad about myself inside.  To being criticized in the following areas of the years:

– what I wear – he would go into a store and tell the saleslady “she needs help.  Please help her.”  Now, I let him do this.  I agreed that I didn’t have confidence in this area, but looking back, I should have said, FUCK OFF ASS HOLE, I am wearing what I want to.  Fuck you.

– How I cook – It is like I never did before and I am also needing help.  Now, mind you, I had boyfriends in the past who completely loved and appreciated what I made.  I like cooking for people who appreciate it.  BUT, Jack completely dismissed my efforts and ridiculed my abilities so much that I just stopped and will pretty much only cook when he is not around.

– Speaking – he will just interrupt me and never let me get a whole idea out – OR, he picks on words in such a way that whatever I am trying to say gets lost and I end up defending my choice of words instead.  It REALLY SUCKS AND IS VERY FRUSTRATING AND DEBILITATING!!!

– Fun life – there is none – fun to him is hockey.  I don’t even try to figure out where we can go together, because, frankly, I would rather stay home and read a good book  then go out with him, fight, and spend money we don’t have.  If this makes me boring, that’s ok.  If he was fun and nice and managed his money, I might have something to look forward to.

 – Sex – doesn’t exist, well, it didn’t for a long time.  Now that he actually wants it, there are problems there (enough said) and it isn’t any different than I could do myself thank you very much.  Read between the lines.

On a positive note, he never REALLY insulted me when I gained weight, BUT, I guess he sort of did by not having anything to do with me, although, that started  before I gained the weight.  I probably gained it because I was so miserable and felt it wouldn’t make a difference.  It wasn’t going to affect my sex life since I didn’t have one.

THE HOUSE – it is small, and while we have a great deck over looking the water, the house is always cluttered up.  It isn’t just his fault, but, in a couple there is usually a neat one and we just don’t have one.  I resent that if it is to be uncluttered, it has to be me.  I guess if I just threw out his stuff he wouldn’t notice, but the problem is that i ask him to go through it.  Then it never happens. 

I won’t comment on his body.

I guess my question is:  Is it Normal to Hate Your Husband?  I can see why people have affairs.  Someone starts being nice to you and you get a little attached.  It feel so good to have somebody actually listen and act like I have some value.  FB, for instance, says, “I like it” when I tell him things sometimes.  That is so little, but it means so fucking much.  (Sorry for swearing, it just helps make my point).  He actually complimented me the other day saying that my shirt looked good.  That means so much.

He took me into his confidence.  He also thought that Sybil making varsity cheerleading was really great.  That she had a goal and worked for it and accomplished it.  He listens to me and validates me and it is SO nice.  Of course I have a crush on him and a fantasy that we could live happily ever after.  I envision him ACTUALLY being nice.  That is so fucking pathetic, isn’t it?  What I like about him is that he is REAL.  No visions of grandeur or bragging – Jack always has to name drop or fabricate stories and brag about himself.  It kind of makes me sick, actually, that he is obviously so insecure.

So, I can understand why I serial fantasize.  Today after the gym I decided that FB likes me only as a friend.  I was about to tank – uh oh – all I have is my real life!!!  No!!  Can’t go there.  To actually deal with my marriage issue and Jack.  To try to communicate and make it work!!  NO WAY!!!  Inside my head I was having a tantrum like a two or three year old – YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!!!!  I DON’T HAVE TO!!!  So, I decided that, of course, I am the true love of FB.  He is just biding his time.  Phew!!!  Fantasy saved, but I realize I need some back up – GBILF’s!!!!  Gym Boys……if I haven’t explained this one yet.  I will look around.  EM talked to me today.  AND, I had a long talk with DH, my very first Serial Fantasy.  He is nice, but not as deep as FB.  I love to talk to FB.  He is real and A REAL MAN!!  Definately a Bad Boy, but at least he is real.  No pretense.

So, can you blame me?  I guess it doesn’t matter.  I am still afraid of someone I know reading this, but eventually I hope someone will.  However, it is therapeutic and similar to leaving voicemails.  No one interrupts.  I can vent without interruption, judgement or advice, and I get to help myself. 

One last thought – I was happy that FB shared himself the other day with very personal information.  It made me feel like I wasn’t the only fucked up person in the universe.  I have no reason to be, after all.  I had great parents, a real home, sisters and brothers, and we had what we needed.  I did great in school, was an athlete and musician, and always supported myself no problem.  So, where did this come from?  I guess from all the well meaning criticism.  It just didn’t allow me to have confidence in myself in certain areas – some I am, but some I am not.  I will have to address this at another time.  My phone is ringing and Sybil is done.

Thanks for listening and sorry for not editting once again.

5-25-12 Part 2 

I was walking up the stairs at my son’s school and I got dizzy like I was going to pass out.  I said to my son, I must be dehydrated.  He said, “no, you’re just fat and old.” 

I was heading to the ladies room and looked in the mirror – “yup, I thought, he is right.”  I did look fat and old.  It sent me down the tubes of feeling bad when two seconds before I was thinking I looked pretty good.  I realized that there are a list of things I can avoid if I don’t want to go down the tubes – it is sort of meant to be funny, and sort of true I am sorry to say, based on the strength of if I feel good about myself or not.  If I feel better, I will need a few things to take me down.   If I am feeling low, I barely even need one.  Here is the list:

– looking in the mirror – all I have to do is catch a glimpse of myself in an unflattering mirror, and I can go from feeling like I am “looking good,” to feeling like an ugly, fat, old loser.   Sometimes I don’t even realize that it happened, I just know that all of a sudden I am in a bad mood and feeling bad.  I

– looking at the scale – Same thing.  I can look at a number and immediately feel like a big fat loser.

– seeing a photo of me – forgetaboudit – horrible – it’s just horrible – I don’t think I look that bad in real life – it sends me down the tubes immediately – ugh – terrible

– looking at my bank account – this makes me think the whole world is a messed up place and I want to get off and live in a cave and never talk to anyone ever again

– getting insulted by somebody- I think they are right and start feeling bad and Patty chimes in with all the other things that are wrong with me – I continue the insults until I catch myself and wonder why I am feeling so damn bad

– thinking I am being insulted by somebody- same as above – they might not even have meant it, but the same holds

– thinking someone is mad at me – I keep thinking and thinking about what I said to them and how I can apologize or make it up and obsess and obsess – sometimes I do say something and they usually don’t even know what I am talking about, but I do feel better once I’ve said something

– not getting a call back or email back – I am getting better about this (sometimes)

Well, that’s the list for now.  I know there are more, but my client is going to come back for me in a second.  I know this needs more work, but I gotta go.  More later.

Thanks for listening.

PS  Later last night I told my son that that was a nasty comment about being old and fat, and he said he was kidding.  I told him that I didn’t think it was funny as it is a sensitive topic for me.  He said he was sorry.  He is a good boy!!!  Gotta go.

5-25-12

I have finally figured out why I have these crushes.  Because the feeling you get is like a drug high.  BUT, it comes from “thinking” that the other person returns the feelings.  I imagine these great scenes that, while you would think they are sex scenes, are really more that they just love me.  They think I am a great person and they love me.   To me, that is like a high from a drug.  I don’t know why, but it feels good.  Reality is not really involved here, but I usually get a better high after talking to the crush.

For example, yesterday FB shared some very personal stuff with me, and it meant alot to me that he trusted me, plus it makes me feel closer to him.  There was nothing sexual or even innuendos, but it was the intimate act of sharing a secret that allows me to feel this happy feeling.  Nothing may happen, AND, while I know I was completely out of control in my first obsession with DH last year, knowing that I can “imprint” on different people keeps me fairly safe mentally.

While I had my first crush on DH, I was totally envisioning on us having a life together and, while I didn’t know how we would leave our spouses, I thought we were meant to be together.  It was definately out of control, but I didn’t realize it at the time since I thought it was FATE.  So, that aside, the good news is, as crazy as I was, I could move on to someone else.

OK – I lost my train of thought because I had to deal with a potential client – where was I?

So, while this is definately an escape from reality, it doesn’t put weight on like eating, it doesn’t put you into debt like gambling, it doesn’t have side effects like drugs, and while, it does have painful withdrawal, I have minimized those by finding the next crush victim.

I didn’t think there could be someone else after the last, but there always is.  There are more fish in the sea.  AND, it is alot better when you don’t actually have contact with them, because all the thoughts can be positive.  When I was actually involved with SM, I would go crazy if my text wasn’t returned, or if I didn’t hear from him, thinking it was over each time.  I had a lot of anxiety and felt TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL even though we were both married and I was DEFINATELY not interested in a future with him.  I was just addicted to the high that I got from our interactions.

This new crush with FB is much more controlled since I don’t talk to him out of the gym.  More like the DH only not as crazy.  I just like him, and like I said before, the THOUGHT that he returns the feeling is the high.  NOT BASED IN REALITY, but just the fantasy of it is enough to fuel me.

Is there a downside?  Yes, I have withdrawn from my husband, but, since I already had about 15 years ago, is that so bad?  I am using the fantasy to escape rather than food. 

If there’s another downside, let me know.  Right now I am going to enjoy feeling good rather than bad, if you don’t mind.

5-24-12

I have so much to say and I should be getting to work, but I am just going to let my fingers do the talking and not worry about what comes out.

I went back to the gym this morning because I didn’t want to stay home.  (I had been at 5:15 AM and then, took Sybil to the bus and went back.  I had tried to talk to Jack about something and we ended up fighting and I just didn’t want to deal with him.

Plus, after yesterday’s “dumb move”, Patty was doing a number on my head.  I tried to “get quiet” my first gym session and listen to Patty talk to my sub-conscious.  “You do dumb things, you are a jerk, no wonder people pick on you, you set yourself up,” and the finale, “no one could ever REALLY love you.” 

It just makes me sad.  Why on earth would I be telling myself that at any level?  For what purpose?  Why would Patty do that?  I realized I needed to figure it out so I went back to the gym for some peace and quiet.  I had already been, AND, I promised my mother that I would take it easy since I had my “procedure” yesterday, so I sort of did.  She didn’t want me to go at all this morning, but I couldn’t promise that.

AND, FB wasn’t there during the early session, so I sort of went back to see if he would be there later.  First I didn’t see him, which was fine.  I saw Al, I’ll call him, and he said, aren’t you here late?  Yes, I said, I was also here before.  I didn’t want to go home and fight, so I came back for some peace. 

“Oh”, he said, “this has been going on for a while.  We have to do something about this.”  Well, I thought, why did I just do that?  I am Happy Heloise here.  Oh well. 

I went and did some weights.  I talked to Brad, I will call him.  Still going out with the girl?  Nope.  She wanted a commitment and I didn’t want her moving in.  She was going through a divorce.  I was straight with her, but she couldn’t deal with it. 

I thought, she probably needed a place to live.  Go from the husband to a new guy’s place.  Simple and easy.  Replace one with another.  I have definately thought about that.  No wonder she was looking sad and ignoring me when I saw her.  I can relate to that.  If you move from one guy to another, you never have to deal with yourself.  It is much easier that way.  I have been thinking about that myself.  Neediness.  It isn’t a good feeling, but it is less painful than dealing with your own stuff.

Next, I was minding my own business when another friend drops by next to where I was stretching.  (This was who I was looking for, but didn’t think he was there.).  First he told me I looked good in my shirt.  I was wearing a short sleeved shirt instead of my usual tank tops.  Note taken.

Then, when he dropped by, he started telling me about how he was a junky.  He was four years straight, but had been totally addicted to prescription drugs and was a mess for four years.  He goes to AA meetings at least 3 or 4 times a week, and struggles on a daily basis.  He said he doesn’t tell people this, so to keep it quiet, so I am a little worried about typing this, but since I am anonymous and so is he, I am doing it anyway.

He was really sharing his story and his struggles, and how, when it got tough, he called his sponsor for help.  Some people don’t call them, but he just dials the number instead of fighting temptation.  I got teary eyed and he said, don’t be sad. 

I said, I’m not sad, but I think it is great that there is someone like that to call.  Someone who is there for you no matter what.  Someone who understands.  Someone who’s been there.  “You are not alone.”

That’s why the program works, he said.  Because you are not alone.  Other things don’t work, but this does.

He continued talking and thanked me for listening.  It made my day for many reasons:

– that he trusted me to talk to

– that he shared himself with me

– that I could make a difference for him just by listening

– that there is an organization like that where people have a “sponsor” who is totally there for them

I am feeling very emotional about this.  When I went to the therapist, I think I was looking for someone to validate me and empower me to become the “great” me.  She was talking to the “pathetic” me and keeping that one in place. 

What if we could have a place or group or structure where people were validated, empowered, supported and lifted up instead of drugged and talked to like they are a “problem”?  I don’t know what that would be, but I am excited about the possibility of it?  “You are not alone” just gets me emotional and full of hope.  The idea hasn’t jelled, but I have always wanted to do something for women. 

[Had to take a break – fighting with Jack on the phone – I screamed at him and told him that I am not going to say anything because whenever I do, he starts talking to me like he is great and I am an ass hole.  I told him I can’t take it anymore and I am just not going to say anything AT ALL because it is not worth it.  He then said that it seems I am always blaming him for everything and I SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS – “I am not even talking about you.  I am talking about me.”

Do you know what it is like to always be talked to like you are some kind of a wrong ass hole?  Probably, if you are married, but I am just tired of it.]

So where was I?  Then my boss called and I didn’t tell him I was writing instead of working – oh well.   Yes, some kind of group, but when my friend, FB, I call him thanked me for listening, I said, you know how you said you were a good listener, well I am one too.  I am empathetic and I cry with people and I don’t judge.  And he looked at me and said, “because you have heart.”

Yes, I do.  I am not the ass hole that my husband and daughter think of me as.  I am just TIRED OF FEELING BAD about myself.  I am a good person and a fun person and a smart person and a nice person.  I am just sad that I have felt so bad for so long and have let them take me down.  REALLY FAR DOWN.  I need to be around people who lift me, not drag me.  It is just not healthy in any way shape or form.

So, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, sounds really good.  You can get your faults, but BE YOUR FAULTS.  You can be your great self because I think we really do have it in us.

I feel bonded to FB.  He listens, he doesn’t condemn, and I feel like we are on a similar wave length.  Plus, I am attracted to his nice, hot body.  Does it mean anything?  No.  I am married and miserable, but no one is going to save me.  I have to save myself and I will.  I feel hopeful with every little conversation and blog.

So, once again, Thanks for listening.  I am sorry I am not editting these lately, but I don’t have time.  I have to go get ready to speak to a group in an hour and I am totally not prepared.  Asta La Vista, whatever that means.

5-23-12

I have to go get Sybil, but something is really bothering me.  I did a dumb thing and it is kicking me in the ass.  Pathetic Patty is all over me and so I have to get this out.

I was in the area where my old friend works.  We used to have a little thing going on.  I had a new recruit and I said let’s go see him where he works.  So we went in and he ended up going prospecting with us.  Well, he starts in on why am I wearing open toed shoes, why is my car a mess, basically ignored me and talked to my recruit, AND, was on the phone texting and saying to someone, “Can I call you back a little later? in a very tender tone.

Now, the guy is obviously an ass hole.  I was making comments about how I had a doctors appointment and I was nervous and had to drink a lot of water, and no, “gee I hope you’re ok.”  No, nothing about me.  All him and he acted all fucking haughty and arrogant. 

My recruit was also picking on my driving.  I said, “what did I do to deserve these insults?”  Well, she said it’s because she likes us.  Actually, she said she was disappointed that we had him along because she was excited to just go with me so that could explain her.

As far as the guy goes, he just went away with his wife, so if he is talking to the “lovely lady” from the gym.  She deserves him.  He just went away.  AND, he could have been talking to his daughter.

I don’t know why any of this makes me feel bad about myself, but it does.  I am beating myself up with – why did you go there?  why doesn’t he like you?( and I really don’t think I care – I have a new crush), but that goes into new boy doesn’t like you either.  You are an old, ugly and fat loser.  You will be alone because you are a slob and messy and bitchy, etc.

SO, I will tell Patty to shut the hell up.  I can be sad if I want.  I did enjoy being the one that got talked to tenderly and I did like the exciting texts as well, BUT, I didn’t like the anxiety that went with it. 

One sided crushes are easier because you aren’t waiting for them. 

Then Jack said he couldn’t help me because he had to help someone with businsess, and so now I think he is fooling around and want to check up on him.  I doubt it, but it would add to my sob story – actually, it would be a relief.  I could get rid of him on some level.

I just read a book called The Song Remains the Same where the girl had to find herself after a plane crash and she loses her memory.  Kind of interesting, but melancholy.  I am glad I finished.

Well, I really have to go.  Thanks for listening.  I needed to get this out.  Who can I tell that I actually went to his business?  I feel like such a dumb ass, but at first it was cool and exciting, and then as he stayed on the phone acted so fucking superior, it made me not like him and think I made a dumb ass move.

Oh well, as I told the recruit, that was weird but we learned from it.

Gotta still go and now I will be late.

5-22-12 Part B

Later – I am at the library charging my cell phone and waiting to pick up Sybil from her cheerleading tryouts.  I kind of blew it.  I gave her a 2009 medical form and she couldn’t participate for the first half hour.  She was almost in tears, but wasn’t.  She could have been watching and learning, but I think she was too upset.  This is her dream and she has waited her whole life for today and I blew it.

The good news is that I had the updated form with me.  I picked it up today because I had an extra few minutes.  Thankfully she only missed a half hour instead of the whole thing.  Let’s hope it blows over by the time I pick her up in 20 minutes.

I am feeling better after my last blog.  It’s amazing how it helps.  I was thinking about what I am committed to in my life.  When I was messed up 20 years ago, I was a confused victim as well and struggling in my relationships.  I was in a bad one – he was married, he lied about it, but I couldn’t let him go.  I did the Landmark Forum and it got me very clear on what I was committed to so that the issue of whether or not to stay with him was resolved very clearly.  I was committed to having a fulfilling relationship with some one available.  I don’t think I could say marriage yet.

So, what am I committed to now?  I am committed to my children and to empowering them to have great lives.  As far as I am concerned, I would like to have an extraordinary life, but am I committed to it?  Honestly, I just feel tired.  It could be from waking up at 4:30 AM to work out, but I don’t know what it would take.  I am honestly not loving AFLAC even though it supposedly has potential to make a lot of money.  It just doesn’t excite me that much.  It is kind of exhausting.

So, am I committed to do something else?  Not sure I have it in me, honestly.  I am writing this blog and I am loving this because I get to express myself.  I enjoy making people smile and laugh, being creative in terms of making up things, writing poems to acknowledge people, coaching people to achieve beyond what they normally would, working out, music, reading.

What else could I do?  I don’t know right now.  I would like to have passion in my life for something.  What makes me happy is to think that I have it with someone.  That someone truly loves and desires me.  Not in reality, but in my mind.  Reality kind of sucks right now, but I see that I can be happy with just the fantasy.  Today I talked to FB and even though in reality I don’t think he has any interest, it was enough to fuel the fantasy that he truly loves me.  Sounds like a romance novel and maybe I would actually like to be living in one.  I guess that’s why I read.  I can live in their lives for a little while.

The good news is that I have fantasized about 3 guys.  So, I can move on to the next, relatively easily.  Not without some pain of loss (for the fantasy), but it is possible to move on.  I would not have thought that based on the intensity of my first one.  I REALLY thought that we were “meant to be” and that his dead father was communicating with me.  Yes, it sounds crazy, BUT, at the time I was that far gone.  It amazes me today to think about how obsessed I was.  It was only at the gym that I saw him, never talked on the phone or saw him outside, and nothing ever happened between us, BUT IN MIND I was out of control.  REALLY out of control.

The fact that I moved on when I thought he was interested in someone else, is truly a miracle to me.  This new crush is nothing like that one, thank God. 

As I have said, these crushes/fantasies help me to live a happier life without thinking about the bills that I can’t pay, the lack of relationship with my husband, the frustrations of dealing with a 13 year old girl, and the lack of fulfillment at work.

This blog is exciting to me and I don’t know why.  I guess because it is sort of public even though no one has found it.  It’s like living on the edge in some way because anyone would no my real thoughts.  Scary, but exciting.

Gotta go get Sybil.  I hope she forget my faux pas. 

Thanks for listening.  What should I name this? 

5-22-12

I actually felt better after writing yesterday’s blog.  I didn’t bring it up with Jack and I just let it go.  I am sort of worried that no one will ever read this, and if they do, that they will think that it sucks, but I am letting the worries go.  It helps me, so that is value to me. 

Obviously, I get frustrated, angry, annoyed, sad, mad, ambivalent,……. and writing this journal/blog helps me vent and move on.  If it helps me, I just have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks.  That is my hang up in life.  Worrying!!  Especially about what people think or if they are upset with me.  Takes a lot of time up in my head.  So, I will hope that this blog will help at least one person, then I am happy.  AND, if that person is me, so be it.

Moving on, now that we are over that obsession.  Today I had a great time at the gym.  One of my new friends was telling me that he is eligible to receive 75% of his salary since he has worked for 30 years.  I thought about it for a while and came up with a very creative new career for him.  I will give you a hint, well,maybe I won’t, it would give away who this guy is.  Let’s just say he was going to provide a service for women that would fulfill a fantasy for them.  It was a lot of fun.

I am adding to my happy list – I love to use my imagination and create.  In this case it was a new career.  It was fun. 

Here I am at a client and this man is talking to me and I am not really listening.  He is a part time worker and says he makes very little money.  I am telling him that if I don’t sell anything, I make $0.  That is less than a low rate. 

Help me, God, I don’t know what he is talking about.  It’s a good thing he can’t see what I am writing.  He would be insulted.   I am standing here wasting my time and starting to get frustrated.   He is trying to get me to talk to people, but they are all set.  OK, just talked to one guy who is suffering from something awful for the past two years and he is surprised he is still here.  OK, whatever.

When I have emotions, I have them, and then they are gone.  If I feel frustrated, it is a physical sensation which is uncomfortable.  If I am angry, it is physical.  Then it passes.  My life is fine.  I just feel things.  It doesn’t mean I need medication or that something is wrong.  I am just human. 

Well,  I don’t know if I had a constant thought in this blog but I don’t know how to save and redo so I will publish for now.  Time to get the hell out of here.  What a waste of time.  Adios.

Thanks for listening.

5-21-12

Mad again.  When I try to express myself to Jack, it ends up getting worse.  He doesn’t listen and ends up arguing with me.  I guess I have to say, ” I am just venting” so he could possibly just listen.   Instead, he dismisses what I say like I am just some crazy bitch who is not worth listening to.  It really pisses me off and then I get madder and madder and either I just stop talking and hate him or I start yelling back.

When I yell I yell very loudly and angrily which he really doesn’t like and then he really acts like I have lost my mind.  The whole thing just makes me see red.  AND, the more he acts like I am to be dismissed and crazy, the more crazy I feel.  It is a vicious cycle. 

I was trying to text him to let him know that I feel dismissed and not listened to and he texted back “Just now in the same sentence, u said i did not listen this morning as I remained silent so u could say all.  At the same time, now u scream I am not listening when I respond to what you are saying.   I don’t see that it matters whether or not I say anything in the conversation, I don’t listen anyway, right?”

So I told him he was just an argument.  Then, when there was no response, I said to him, “Rather than picking apart my words, you might listen to them.  I listen to you.”

This is the part of the relationship that I should just shut up and ignore him, but it makes me so mad that I want to keep attacking.  I think I will just give up, but I hate to do that.  BUT, it is just going to get uglier.  Do you want to hear my original text?   I don’t think so.  You will probably gang up on me like the ass hole.

OK, here it is anyway:  “You don’t let me speak and you don’t listen and you don’t hear me and either argue or dismiss what I say and I hate it and it makes me not like you at all.  I don’t deserve to be treated this way.  Think about it.  Your listening of me is not supportive or empowering at all and I hate it.”

So, he responds by picking apart my words.  CAN YOU HEAR ME SCREAMING IN FRUSTRATION?

I think I give up – truly.  Give me a drink.  Am I PMS or do I have a point?  Is the menopause back or is this guy an ass hole of extreme proportions? 

OK – thank you – I am trusting my instincts.  The way it started was that my lovely son stays up every Sunday night until 11 or 12 or 1 AM doing his homework.  Why, you ask?  Because he doesn’t start it until 9 or 10 PM on Sunday.  I ask him all weekend if he has homework and he says not much.  Then, when I get up at 12:30 AM not by choice, I notice that his light is still on.  It is very disturbing and I am frustrated that he then starts another week being tired and unprepared.

When I tried to discuss this with Jack, he said, well, he was having trouble writing his paper.  So, I said, have trouble earlier in the day when we can help him.  He basically ignored me and said he had to go. 

It digressed from there.  So, my attempt at communicating so I don’t just “make him wrong” and  hate him made things worse.  I feel like it is hopeless.  If I try to speak, we get into a fight.  If I keep quiet, I just hate him.  Either way it sucks. 

He is on the phone right now and I am just listening.  Nothing to say.  He doesn’t even know.  He can talk forever, but if I try to talk, he interrupts.  I am not really paying attention because it doesn’t matter.

He was apologizing that he isn’t home and I said I am not home either.  It just seems like we are on different wave lengths.  I will just give it up for today.  I am tired and don’t give a crap right now.  I think Patty is all over me telling me it is my fault and I don’t have the energy to argue.

Tomorrow is another day.  I am busy tomorrow and will go to the gym and exercise my frustrations out.  Not to mention have a drink tonight.  I don’t want to argue so I will just stay suppressed and not say anything.

Jack thinks he is so nice and good and that I am just difficult.  It is really annoying.  REALLY ANNOYING!!!! 

If I can’t find someone who thinks I am nice, then I am better off alone.  (If I’m having a tantrum, that’s ok – I should really edit this post, but I am too tired.  Oh well.  Sorry about that.

Thanks for bearing with me.

5-21-22

I have been trying to get my 5-18-12 post to have a title and can’t figure out what I am doing wrong.  Very frustrating.  I can see it, but it doesn’t appear when published.  OK, I give up for now.

I am in the office and should get out to go help Jack with an enrollment, BUT,  I feel the need to add a post.  I often think of things to write, but since I am not near a computer at the time, or people are around so I can’t write freely, these things don’t get written.  By the time I am near a computer, I have thought of 12 other things to write about.  I guess I just have to assume that when I am supposed to write about will get written, and not worry about the rest.  Otherwise I will spend more time worrying than writing.

Things change on a daily or hourly basis.  Last week I was leaving the marriage (at least in my mind), .  This weekend I was DEFINATELY staying.  Now, since I hate Jack again, I am leaving again, but, let’s backtrack for a second.  I was staying this weekend  for the following reasons:

– I like being around the kids full time – I don’t want to miss these last few years of them being at home. 

– I like having someone around to help with driving, garbage, emptying the dishwasher, and assorted other house tasks

– The only financially available plan for moving out would be to sell the house, and the house is one of the things that makes me happy.  Not the house per se, but the view from the house and the deck.   We have unobstructed views of the water and it makes me happy to sit on my deck and feel the feeling of all that beauty and space.  I don’t want to lose that.

So, for now, it makes sense to stay physically at the house.  I don’t like my marriage in terms of there really isn’t one.  He puts me down, doesn’t listen to me, doesn’t support me with the kids, and doesn’t seem to think highly of me when we speak.   Plus, given his financial philosphy and spending, it’s not likely I will ever get to take a vacation, be able to retire, or go to a store feeling like there is actually money in the bank.

Once I can support myself financially, I think I will have more options.  Part of the problem is that we are in business together, and I rely on him to do his piece of the business.  This causes a dependency that would make it hard to break away.

When I think of my future with Jack and the lack of passion, love, sex, money, and basically anything to look forward to, I sometimes fantasize about a different kind of future (of course with the crush of the month). 

Last night, in order to go to sleep, I created a fantasy with my current crush – He said:  ” I love everything about you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.  I will wait and we will make this happen.”  (Of course, last night in the fantasy he named all sorts of wonderful things about me that he loves, but I will spare you the details – I don’t want to make you puke and more than you already are).  I relaxed and went right to sleep.  I guess fantasies are a sleep aid!!!

Why do I have to fantasize?  Because otherwise, I will have to think about my REAL LIFE and the lack of future – financial stress, lack of love, sex, companionship, fun……..to name a few.  Since I am a worrier, this really creates a stressful situation where my body hurts and the only way to escape is to get sick.  Fantasies are much healthier I think, but that’s just me talking………..

What happened to Abundance, Ease and Joy in my real life?  Oh, I forgot.  Maybe I need to add another word so I don’t NEED to fantasize……..What a concept?   How about love and passion and empowerment and fun and having something good to look forward to?

Good idea.  I will work on it.   I better get to work.  This has been helpful so thanks for listening.